Gender isn’t going anywhere, Rebecca Cohen writes, but that doesn’t mean we should keep forcing it on boys and men.
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A few years ago I was spending time with my sister and her family, when something quite disturbing to my anti-sexist sensibilities occurred. It started when my 4-year-old niece began playing with the princess costume trunk she’d just received for her birthday. She was eager to show it off. As she entertained the whole family by parading around in ruffled pink skirts and sparkly tiaras, her little brother, then only two, attempted to join in. He picked up a sheer, shimmery purple garment and began to put it on. My brother-in-law’s reaction was immediate. “No!” he admonished. “That’s not for you!” My nephew’s disappointment was obvious. His dad quickly produced a boy’s dress-up set. “Here,” he told his son, “You can dress up in these.” The set contained a fireman outfit, a policeman outfit, and a doctor outfit. My nephew didn’t care for those. He wanted to do what his big sister was doing. But he was not allowed.
I know my brother-in-law meant no harm. But what he did was sexist.
Could you imagine if the reverse took place? Imagine a little girl trying to dress up as a police officer or doctor, and being told, “That’s not for you. You have to put on this princess outfit …” Actually, I’m sure that does happen sometimes. But I would be appalled to see a parent actively limiting the imaginative play of a girl like that. And it doesn’t suddenly become more acceptable when the genders are reversed.
Yet gender policing of boys goes on all the time, in the home, in the schoolyard, in the classroom, in the media. While girls are increasingly receiving the message that they should shrug off outdated gender expectations, boys are still heavily pressured to conform to a very specific, prescribed idea of masculinity. Undoubtedly, there are positive traits associated with masculinity: assertiveness, independence, ambition, competence. But the heavy pressure on boys to shape themselves in accordance with certain masculine ideals can also be confining, and very harmful.
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We’ve all experienced or witnessed children on a playground teasing a boy for crying. The message that emotional expression is unacceptable in males is a pervasive and damaging one. I once saw a woman on the subway tell her five-year-old son, who was in tears, “Men don’t cry.” Her answer to her son’s emotional distress was, basically, to invalidate it. Crying is a natural emotional reaction that all people experience, yet boys and men are shamed for openly communicating their feelings. Then later in life they may be criticized for being uncommunicative. That’s what I call a no-win situation for the male sex.
Shame is perhaps the most popular tool society uses to socialize children into gender-appropriate behaviors. Boys are routinely teased and bullied for acting in ways that are considered to be un-manly. Boys who prefer not to participate in activities designated as “male” face ridicule and even physical violence.
Not only is this bullying emotionally and physically harmful, but it also restricts boys’ self-expression and their opportunities. On the one hand, girls are often encouraged (or at least not strongly discouraged) to explore traditional “boy” activities like sports, playing with building blocks or construction sets, camping, even hunting. Meanwhile, heavy social pressure prevents boys from participating in traditionally “girly” activities. Cooking and baking, arts and crafts, theater and fashion are largely considered un-masculine activities. Our culture actively steers boys away from them. Yet any of those interests could not only be fun for boys, but actually lead to a lucrative and creatively fulfilling career for a man. I wonder how many boys never discovered their talent for, say, baking pastries, because nobody ever thought to buy them an Easy Bake Oven when they were young.
Now, I can hear the objection already: My son doesn’t want an Easy Bake Oven. He’d scoff if I bought him that! But my point is that girls and boys aren’t born with the innate belief that cooking isn’t fun if you happen to have a penis. Powerful social pressures train us to associate specific attitudes, behaviors or activities with one gender or the other. And boys especially understand that nonconformity to gender expectations is unacceptable. We even have special words specifically for it: wimp, sissy, wussy, pansy, and others too vulgar to mention. So it’s no wonder that boys are eager to reject “girl” toys. They absorb these lessons from the people (and media) around them until prescribed gender roles have been completely internalized. The alternative is to risk consequences to their self-esteem, their status among their peers, and even their very safety.
Rigid ideas about what constitutes masculinity also have a significant negative impact on grown men. Gender stereotypes hold that women are the superior caregivers, that somehow men are less nurturing and compassionate than women. This sexist attitude is a tremendous insult to men, and it has a tangible negative impact on men’s lives. It puts fathers at a disadvantage in custody disputes. It means that few employers offer paid paternity leave, even though they do offer paid maternity leave. And when paternity leave is offered, men often don’t take the opportunity. How could staying at home to care for and bond with a newborn child be regarded as un-manly? Yet our culture still largely considers caring for your own baby to be a feminine role. The perception that men can’t be quality caregivers is partly responsible for the tremendous shortage of male nurses and teachers. I strongly believe the dearth of male teachers has a powerfully negative impact on the education of young boys. Furthermore, in this recession, traditionally masculine jobs in sectors like manufacturing are on the decline, while the health care and education sectors are predicted to add jobs in the coming years. The lingering perception that men are not caring and nurturing prevents men from taking full advantage of the available employment opportunities in those traditionally female-dominated fields.
Sexism strongly pressures men to live up to an ideal of masculinity that is fundamentally outdated. In the classic gender role model, men are the wage earners, providing for their families. In fact I would even say this idea of being a good provider is essential to our culture’s notion of masculinity. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with being a good provider for your family—there’s scarcely a more admirable ambition. The problem is that, for men, the definition of “good provider” can be rather narrow. It means being a high wage earner. Men’s self-esteem, their sense of their own value, becomes tied too closely with their earning ability. Men who earn less than other men may feel inadequate. Men who earn less than their partners can often feel emasculated. Men who stay at home while their partners work are still stigmatized in our culture. In an economy with shrinking job opportunities in traditionally male professions, fewer men are able to provide for their families the way old-fashioned gender expectations have dictated that they should. Their other contributions—caring for children, managing the household, performing domestic duties traditionally assigned to women—are real and meaningful. Men who aren’t the family’s primary wage earner do still provide for their families. They may nevertheless feel that they’ve failed in that endeavor because of outdated and inflexible ideas about what constitutes masculinity.
It’s not surprising, then, that many men experience psychological stress due to their perception of their own failure to live up to gender norms. Ironically, it’s those very gender norms which prevent many men from seeking professional help for that psychological stress. One of the masculine traits which men are socialized into adopting is unfailing stoicism. Traditional masculinity requires men to be capable, independent problem-solvers. Dependence upon others is regarded as a feminine trait. Men are statistically more reluctant to seek needed healthcare help. They’re less likely to visit a doctor, and more likely to die of certain preventable diseases. The rate of death by suicide among men is four times that of women, in part because men who are suffering psychologically are less inclined to seek professional help.
Pressure to adopt an image of masculine bravado also encourages sexual promiscuity, alcoholism, drunk driving, and a host of other dangerous risk-taking behaviors.
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Our instinct might be to say: That’s just how men are. Men want to have lots of sex. They are risk-takers. They want to be strong and powerful. They have an impulse toward independence. That’s who they simply are, and it’s wrong to tell them not to be themselves.
The truth is, it’s not possible to know which gender-associated traits, if any, are innate. And it shouldn’t matter anyway. Psychologists have long recognized that when it comes to gender identity (the extent to which we identify with either masculine or feminine qualities), there is more variation within each gender group than there is between the two groups. We could probably pinpoint a set of characteristics and say that they are typical of boys. But it’s a short path from “typical” to “normal.” And it follows that boys who don’t fit the normal mode are therefore abnormal. They’re different, which means weird, and inevitably wrong. When we begin labeling attitudes and behaviors as “male” or “masculine,” we begin limiting who and what men and boys are allowed to be and do.
I’m not advocating the obliteration of gender altogether. That would be a pointless aim anyway. An academic might say that gender is a social construct, but that same person doesn’t wake up each morning and decide which gender to perform that day. However it happens, gender is deeply inscribed in our brains, and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
At the same time, overly prescriptive ideas about gender restrict men and boys, limit their options and put undue psychological strain on them. As a society, we must not let preconceived notions about what gender should look like limit who we allow our boys and men to be.
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This article rings true in so many ways. After watching the Superbowl last night and catching the Goldie Blox commercial I came back to this article again, thinking of how it seems every toy is labeled BOY or GIRL instead of just “3 year old”!
Very well said. It amazes me sometimes how women can tune into men’s problems so well. I’m not a father, but I have a ton of nephews and nieces, and I’ve wondered myself about my nephews’ well being, should they not be steered toward “masculine” pursuits, not because I believe they should be discouraged, but because I’m afraid they’ll be hurt by a society that doesn’t understand anything but an accepted masculine vector of growth for boys. This is especially true for my littlest nephews with two moms, even though their moms are great parents. On the other hand, I’ve… Read more »
Reading this was wonderful as it put the way I am feeling so eloquently into words. I am Mummy to four young boys and have never stopped them playing with ‘girl’s’ toys. One of my sons, in particular, absolutely loves anything considered ‘girly’. Whether it’s because he wants to assert himself as different from his brothers, a genuine liking of pink and sparkly things, a phase or whether he will in fact one day announce he’s gay or transgender, childhood is a time for exploring, learning and enjoying life. It’s also a great way to bond with my sons when… Read more »
I love everything you said. I have no doubt you’re an amazing mother and your children will grow up to be well-rounded, happy adults! Best wishes to you and your children!
I am a husband..father..partner..son..provider..protector I reflect on a childhood that provided everything that you would think a child would need.. Love…encouragement..support. But one thing as a man now with a wife and son is that I wish I had the skills to communicate my feelings with the articulation and honesty that my family deserves. I have an emotional hole on my armour and 40 years on I’m not sure how to patch it up, but sure as hell I’m here now to show my son that emotion, tenderness, empathy, forgiveness… are all the qualities of a strong and beautiful Human… Read more »
Gaww! :hugs: Poor you! 😐
Depending on the age let them dress up in the sparkley clothes . Nothing wrong with playing with dolls !
Just keep an eye on it as they pass nursery age should have left the glitter/fairy behind . Playing with dolls is OK as might make a better Dad later in life !
Why do they need to leave that behind? There are boy fairies in all the major fairy kids movies, you know. Furthermore, if sparkles make my kiddos happy, why should I stop that?
Out of curiosity, why would it make a difference whether the glitter etc was left behind or not? :-S
Why depending on the age, why “should” they have left it behind?
We wouldn’t want boys playing with dolls. They might grow up to be “gasp” fathers. 🙂
“the problem is that, for men, the definition of “good provider” can be rather narrow. It means being a high wage earner. Men’s self-esteem, their sense of their own value, becomes tied too closely with their earning ability. ”
-I would say this is a consequence of women mostly choosing wealthy men. They like to pretend that they do not – but it is the reality I am exposed to.
Lets take that further back to the relationships
we have as fathers with our children, more so our
daughters and the expectations and stereotypes of men
that we help them to have.
We as fathers and friends can teach them that genders are not
specific to the responsibility we take on as parents and that
putting a $ value on how you care and provide for your family is
not the measuring stick for achieving a happy family.
I agree that SOME women chose certain men for wealth. It IS in our instinct to find those who can provide for future children. That being said, almost everyone I know married for love. I certainly did. I married while still in high school, my husband is not a major earner, we have four children. I work nights and we both are in college, again. He’s the SAH.
One big issue for me is not just “gender specific behavior” but also a matter of appearance. Males are in most cases required to be clean cut with short hair and masculine clothing, mainly in the work place. Few people will have a problem if a woman wears her hair in a traditionally “male” style, she will have little to no trouble finding employment. whereas if a man has long hair in a traditionally “female” fashion, he will in most cases be forced to cut it and keep it short if he wishes to not be severely limited in his… Read more »
I was brought up with the freedom to explore toys with any gender bias. At 18 one of my favourite hobbies was to tinker around with my car. And long before my children were born I decided that they too would have the freedom to become whoever they want. And if my son wanted a doll to learn how to be a good dad then that is what he will have. My husband and I don’t follow social norms. I will decorate and garden, whereas my husband irons and does most of the cooking I now have a boy and… Read more »
So explain to me somthing….. Why is it that when we refer to dolls we refer to a girls toy? the definition of Doll is as follows: a small model of a human figure, often one of a baby or girl, used as a child’s toy. I guess my point is growing up I and most of American boys played with dolls. Would not a GI Joe be a doll, maybe a He-Man wouldn’t that be considered a doll. Look at the definition of action figure before you tell me these are different and not dolls… a doll representing a… Read more »
Heres the thing. Mens want their sons to be men. Not a freaking princess. They want to watch their son grow up, play sports with their son, go hunting with their son. They dont want him to be a princess. Guys who have daughters treat their daughters like a princess typically. If that princess want to be a firefighter, a doctor, or wants to go shoot a deer then that man is typically more than happy to help his princess out. I dont know a single dad that wants his princess to sit in a kitchen all day or clean… Read more »
Brilliant article, I agree with it all
I agree with this article. I feel like a lot of kids growing up seem sort of estranged from themselves, and lacking a sense of belonging and self acceptance. They seem somewhat of a self experiment. I have 2 boys now under 2. I walk down the isles of toysrus and target and it’s pretty obvious what “sextion” of the store is being suggested that you shop in for your little ones… Nearly all the girls toys are clad in pink. Who said girls like pink anyways? Not my fav color… It’s like I feel like I’m living in the… Read more »
I don’t understand why this can’t be a topic of interest and why some have to resort to the standard: “This isn’t a big enough problem to warrant a discussion.” Gender and gender stereotyping have a lot to do with this site’s mission…at least, from my understanding. How children are raised to understand specific gender roles is one contributing factor to how men and women ultimately see themselves in all aspects of their lives: work, family, friendships, relationships. If a boy is raised with a heavy-handed father or mother who does not think that crying is an option for boys,… Read more »
kurt: Mountain and molehill. I get the impression that the pressure to produde GMP-type stuff is so great that molehill inflation is the default position. “Let” a boy play with dolls. Sure. And if we don’t find a satisfactory number of boys playing with dolls, Something Must Be Done. “Let” is not adequate. I raised boy-girl twins and, in the flush of my youth, made some stupid errors. One was to provide both girl stuff and boy stuff to each of the kids. What a waste of time and money. One of my granddaughters is a princess. That’s how she… Read more »
Please stop telling me how to define myself and my role. Please stop telling me how to raise my children. From my perspective, this is just another in a long line of editorials telling me just how wrong I am, how screwed up my foundation is, how fundamentally inferior my way of being is.
What I read here is 1700 words that can be summarized as “If only men were more like women, the world would be a better place.”
I swore I would quit this…
“this is just another in a long line of editorials telling me just how wrong I am, how screwed up my foundation is, how fundamentally inferior my way of being is.”
Well, how long have you been a Mets fan?
This is a total non-issue, particularly in light of there being actual serious problems in the world. If a boys’ biggest problem is not having dressed up as a princess at 2 years old, he will just fine.
I can’t resist web comics.
Little Sappho, the communist, seems to get the best lines.
Yep. Since she’s the sidekick, she gets to be nutty.
Thank you for this! Growing up, my brothers and I were lucky enough to have parents who didn’t restrict the “gender appropriateness” of our plays and toys. I was a tomboy who refused to wear dresses but still loved Hello Kitty stuff, my youngest brother on the other hand was fascinated with my mom’s high heeled shoes and enjoys putting on her sparkly brooches and accessories. No one ever said anything directly to us, but I know some “concerned” people did say something to my parents about the harms they were doing to their kids. One of them even told… Read more »
I think you might be seeing this from a female privileged perspective. The very real threat of being beaten to death by the noble defenders of all things Manly or shock of having your very existence as a Man ridiculed by a women who’s seen you cry, is something that tends to get glossed over when ever women discuss the gendering of boys. It’s not fair to shoe horn one lone child in to a Rosa Parks role. To fit some ideology that going to get them ostracized. If ms Cohen cant protect her nephew 24 hours a day… Read more »
Were you able to write “female privileged perspective” with a straight face?
Ms Cohen DID mind her own business (at least she tells of no action taken to scold or reprimand her brother-in-law, in fact she also admits he probably meant no harm). What I find funny is that you’d rather just take this ridicule and violence from “the noble defenders of all things Manly” rather than even think of change being possible.
She used the kid to talk of a larger problem, one you seem to be aware of.
By privliged I mean that I might not be aware of your fears, your oppressors, your sociatal hurdles just as you might not know mines. Someone told me that ignorance is a Male Privledge, I reserve the right to hold Women to the same standerd. (Ofcourse my intention isn’t to downplay your tribulations) With that said, I personally don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. There will always be a-holes enforcing a pecking order based on some messed up Darwinin crap. If you try and raise your Male child to be a political statment theN You’ld better… Read more »
Sometimes you don’t get a choice. Sometimes you get the effeminate kid who does not want to fight back and simply wonders why he can’t do what he enjoys. I think the point of this article isn’t to raise your kids to be any kind of statement but allowing your kids to grow without holding him to outdated standards. Yes, there always will be a-holes and a pecking order, but this defensive (and at the same time, aggressive) position harms more than it helps. The bullies are also being set to a standard of masculinity which they then try to… Read more »
Some related thoughts here: I would like to think I would let my son (if I had one) play with whatever safe toys he wanted to. Because, even if deep down I secretly hoped he would prefer the football to the Barbie, I’d be afraid to make too big a deal out of playing with dolls or easy-bake ovens. I wouldn’t want to make “girl toys” into some sort of taboo, which might make them into some sort of neurotic objects in his life. If it makes dads squeamish to see their sons play with dolls, would it make it… Read more »
Thumbs up to all your related thoughts! “You never know where his play is going to lead him.” Love it. We learn so much about the world through play. My brother was happy to play with me and my stuffed animals and Barbies and Beanie Babies as a kid – just as I was happy to play with his Tonka trucks, dinosaurs (I LOVED dinosaurs as a little girl) and Hot Wheels. Most of our play involved crossover between our toy collections – like when we made my Barbie’s baby the pilot of his white plastic F-15 fighter jet. It… Read more »
That’s a really good point, and one that I hadn’t considered. Gender segregation among children is a big part of gender socialization, and we don’t often talk about the benefits children can receive from socializing and playing with friends of both genders. I have a suspicion that kids self-segregate a little less than they used to, but I don’t know if my personal observations reflect an actual trend or not.
And, if I wanted my son to introduce me to his supermodel friends some day, which object should he learn the most about — a dress or a gun? I’m thinking the dress.
No reason a dad can’t be a horible stereotype AND let his son play with “girly” things…. : – )
Nice piece. Thank you. I’m seeing it happen in my extended family-in-law. My husband’s brother is a mechanical engineer and his wife is a pharmacist, both high-earning fields. Last year when his engineering contract expired, they moved across the country and bought a fixer-upper in cash. They did the math and figured out that the best solution for them was for him to stay home with their one-year-old daughter while his wife worked, because she was able to earn more than he could, benefits included, enough to cover their expenses without the additional and considerable expense of daycare. So he’s… Read more »
Fantastic article. I now know why I, a retired elementary school teacher, have never had any self esteem. No, I never wanted to dress up nor play with dolls, though I did love my puppets and marionettes. But I have always thought of myself as a full time caregiver, both in my job and at home. This led to a lack of respect, whether perceived or real, from the majority of my multitude of relatives. I came to accept my own insignificance. We now live in a world where women, more often than not, bring home the bacon. I guess… Read more »
If boys genuinely want to play with dolls, sure, whatever. But most boys don’t want to play with dolls. And if they don’t want to, they shouldn’t be continuously encouraged by people with social or political agendas to do so. Leave them alone. Also, it is problematic that this article equates showing weakness or vulnerability with femininity. Men and boys shouldn’t be shamed for crying or whatnot, but such acts shouldn’t be construed as “showing his feminine side”. Sadness and vulnerability are natural human traits, not feminine. So is anger. Males need to stop being shamed for their natural expressions… Read more »
well said, forweg. i feel like the author took something small and made a mountain out of a molehill. LOTS of boys play with “dolls.” i, myself, would detach the heads of my sister’s barbies all the time. OR, they were the damsel in distress that my ninja turtles had to go save. yeah, the author is right, we gotta let kids play and do their thing, but there’s something that still rubs me wrong when a female writer goes off about the way males/boys/men are, because it’s all hearsay. so, maybe a little too preachy on something that she… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, forweg. I think if you look back at what I wrote, you’ll see that nowhere did I advocate encouraging boys to play with dolls. Rather, I criticized the impulse to discourage boys from playing with traditionally “girly” toys. Boys and girls receive a lot of messages from a lot of different places — TV commercials, movies, peers, older siblings, adults in the community, their own parents, etc. — telling them what sorts of toys they are supposed to want to play with. Some of these messages are direct (as in the case of a TV commercial)… Read more »
If they want to, sure, but I have yet to meet a young boy who wants to play with Barbies in a way that does not involve dismembering them, running them over with toy trains (my favorite when I was little!), or other similar acts. I’m sure they’re out there, but I’ve never met one. You say the whole “gender divide” thing exists strictly due to upbringing and social conditioning, but then why do young boys–at an age where it’s quite possible they’ve never even left the house, let alone been subjected to any kind of social conditioning–wrestle, play fight,… Read more »
We condition boys to take risks, and to provide for their families no matter what. And it is a good thing that we do. Becuase you can bet your bottom dollar that women aren’t going to be taking up the dirty jobs anytime soon. I constantly hear from friends that “women put their families first”. I usually ask them “Really, then how come Jane isn’t working right now”, which leads to “There just isn’t any jobs available”. Oh really, I know a construction company that is hiring road workers, if fact they are paying top dollar. This is usually met… Read more »
Wow. What decade do you live in? The person who shared this article with me is a strong, smart mother of two who spent many months training to be an electrician. She was the only woman; she graduated at the top of her class and was respected by both instructors and fellow classmates. She found NO ONE who would hire her or even take her on for more training. So before you make ridiculous generalizations like this, ESPECIALLY without experiencing these situations yourself, consider that the women probably aren’t the ones limiting their own options here. They want to work… Read more »
I’m not convinced this is a large problem. When I was little, I was allowed to play with all the “girl stuff” I wanted to. I have memories of walking around in my mother’s high-heels before going to preschool for the day (I liked being instantly taller). I also remember playing with a doll and shopping cart at preschool (I was finally able to act out my fantasy of being able to ride in the shopping-cart proper, rather than the seat, while visiting the supermarket). However, I was also forbidden from owning a toy gun. For better or worse, my… Read more »
You grew up surrounded by images of men with guns, so you wanted a gun. I did too, but looking back on it I’m not sure that all that gender stereotyping was such a good thing.
Maybe some of the boys you knew *did* want to make a doll, but were shamed out of doing it. I agree that parental pressure won’t necessarily prevent kids from doing what they want, but when that pressure comes from all of society its a bit stronger.
You are imputing experiences I did not have. Maybe I should be more specific, I don’t know.
I was never allowed to watch violent cartoons growing up. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was off-limits until second grade, and even then only because I was invited to a themed birthday and felt silly for not knowing anything about it.
You ASSUME where my desires come from. Are you really so unwilling to accept that in some people it might be innate?
So, if what is described in this article was truly a widespread problem that “many men struggle with to this day” why don’t we see more rebellion? Not many people rebel against the convention of their time. Women in the West now wear trousers, how many rebelled and wore them(as girls or women) before it was acceptable for women to wear them – not many. So, if what is described in this article was truly a widespread problem that “many women struggle with to this day” why don’t we see more rebellion? […] I suspect the answer is that this… Read more »