Dear Sweet Man,
I am so sorry that you thought I didn’t see all the ways you were trying. I do see all of the ways that you were trying. I honor your choice to try in those ways. I thank you deeply for all of the ways you courageously show up.
My heart is so sad that we live in a world where men are socialized to think that they’re worth is tied to their accomplishments. I am sad that I did not realize how much this was true for you. You have been trying so hard, so hard not only to achieve the love of the feminine but also to prevent further wounding of the feminine, from the feminine. You are wearier than I knew at the time. And for good reason. It is fair that you are weary.
It is fair that you are pissed. You should not have to prove yourself. You did not have to prove yourself to me, and I thought you knew that. Perhaps I became lazy in my assumption. I do not want your selfless and endless giving. I want your heart. I do not want your self-sacrifice. I want you, the fully embodied You. Just as you are. I do not want your perfectionism. I want your vulnerability in my arms. I do not want you to hold it in and then explode, I want you to bravely come to me in the soft and sacred space of us. I want your fear. I want the truth.
I want so desperately to be the woman that helps you to transmute, rather than add to you, your shame, and look, with all my knowledge, I was her for a minute. For so long, so long as I got it right, you felt safe, and then, to mess up means to see you pull away. Can we stop this cycle, please? The whole of us? The perpetuation of separation in the very places we can grow when we come together.
I am a woman who has seen this before. I am a woman who aches at the loss of a man, yes, but for the collective space between that, we all navigate which is full of eons of separation. I am a woman aching in my body, in my bones, with the separation of eons.
Four years ago, I would have walled up and stacked this up to things men do, terrified in my body to ever trust again.
Three years ago, I would have fought you and used biting words and told you about yourself and tried to convince and analyzed and school you – having my process but denying my part.
Two years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at you and added to the shame and written about how scared I am for my own son, still saying “no man ever shows up.”
Last year, I still would have picked myself back up in a fighting stance. I see that now.
And here’s what’s different now. My heart is just open. I recognize our mutual ache. I just want to come to this table.
I know this loss, this chasm we create in self-protection. I know your pain. I know our shame. What I’m asking for is for us to do it differently this time.
For the whole of us to do this differently now. Less separation, less blame. More heart, more authentic connection.
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