I’ll admit it. I’m a love junkie. I love being in love. I love expressing my love to others. I love writing about it. Clearly. I love, love.
One of the reasons why the topic and act of love interests me so much is that there are so many different ways to love someone, depending on your relationship with them.
Our current society is fairly uptight about love and expressing our emotions, in general. We have this notion of love being a very tightly defined thing. Sure, we can differentiate between loving a spouse and our child but past that, it gets a little fuzzy. Partners can get jealous or defensive when they show affection for someone else outside of their primary relationship.
It doesn’t have to be this way. By extending our definitions of love, we can express ourselves and our love without, or at least with less, feelings of guilt. Loving someone else doesn’t have to mean we are neglecting our romantic partners.
Many different societies and cultures across history have defined different types of love. One of my favorite and most comprehensive were the ancient Greeks.
The 8 Types of Love (According to the Ancient Greeks)
Agape- Agape is selfless love. Thought of as the highest form of love and possibly one of the rarest, it is selfless and unconditional. The ability to express unconditional love in any situation can certainly be one of the most challenging barriers to practicing this type of love.
Dedicating your life and time to the betterment of others and humankind is one way to practice this. Sometimes, practicing this can come at the detriment of self, so one needs to balance agape love with self-care.
Eros- Named after the Greek god of love and fertility, this type of love might be one of the more fun ones to put into practice. It is a romantic, primal love associated with romantic, passionate, and physical love as an act of sexual passion and desire. Basically, it is the “Wanna fuck?” of all the love types.
It tends to come naturally and is more easily accessible than love like agape. The Greeks believed this love was dangerous as it can burn hot and bright but has the potential to burn out fast if other types of love aren’t paired with it.
Philia- Philia tends to be an affectionate love that runs deep in true friendships. It tends to be love without romantic feelings, also known as platonic love, between two friends who share the same values and respect for each other.
This type of love can be expressed by connecting through meaningful conversation, being honest and open, and supporting the individual through good and bad times.
Philautia- One of my favorite kinds of love. Philautia is self-love. It means recognizing your own worth and well being and working to cultivate those feelings for one’s self. The adage, “It is hard to love others if you don’t love yourself,” has roots in philautia.
Sometimes, in our society, philautia can be confused as being selfish simply because we demand endless giving. When someone puts themselves and their well being first, it can seem radical and selfish. It is not. It is a form of self-compassion. It can look like creating an environment that allows you to be comfortable and relaxed and spending time around people who healthily support you. A calm, quiet, relaxed environment is so important to my self-care as an introvert, which is why I have 3 kids… (Insert sarcasm font here). Speaking of parental love…
Storge- This is familiar love. It can look a lot like philia but is usually expressed as a parental love for a child. It is a strong and long-lasting bond between very familiar people. As you share memories, this type of bond strengthens. It is often characterized by sacrificing your time and self for the other.
Pragma- Pragma is a deep, enduring love that is cultivated over time. This is almost the opposite of Eros. While Eros burns bright and hot for a short amount of time, pragma matures and develops in the long term and in equally giving relationships.
This type of love can seem like it takes a lot of work, but it can become or seem easy if both people commit to it. When each partner actively puts the other first, this type of love can thrive.
Ludus- This is a love expressed through flirtation, usually in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship. If you have ever experienced butterflies in your stomach or a giddiness while interacting with someone, you are most likely experiencing Ludus. During this stage of love, brain scans have shown to light up the same areas associated with a cocaine high.
Your mood and energy improve during this stage. There is a light playfulness that is almost childlike in its behavior. Silliness and laughter between two people are classic symptoms of Ludus. And while it is generally associated with younger or new couples, older couples can also express this kind of love, usually with high levels of relationship satisfaction.
Last and very likely least is…
Mania- Mania is an obsessive love towards someone. It is often expressed with jealously, possessiveness, and anger and can become quite destructive. The Greeks believed this type of love became present when eros and Ludus became unbalanced.
This often occurs in individuals with low self-esteem as they believe they need their partner’s love to establish their own self-worth. To avoid this kind of love, it is important to be aware when obsessive and possessive feelings start to creep in. Practice more philautia, or self-love, and try to develop trust in your relationships.
On a more personal note, I have experienced and been on the receiving end of this type of “love.” It is not pretty and was, indeed, quite destructive.
What types of love are you feeling today? What types of love are you working on cultivating currently?
For a wonderful illustrated view of these kinds of love, check out https://www.ftd.com/blog/give/types-of-love, where I sourced and summarized the different kinds of love you read about here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Shaira Dela Peña on Unsplash