In therapy with Lance Miller, training for over 35 years in Aikido, through meditation, in writing for the Good Men Project with my Editor Lisa Hickey, I forgive my Dad for not knowing how to be a father, not knowing how to be a husband, for being afraid inside, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as a little to boy to stand up to Dad and protect Mom and for being imperfectly human, too.
One of my greatest regrets in life was that I couldn’t protect Mom as an 8-year-old boy. Maybe, I became Godan (5th degree black belt) in Aikido, because of that helpless feeling inside. Along that path I got that the strength inside matters, what makes the Protector, what makes a difference. I overcome myself, not others. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.”
Mom was the great of my life. Though she suffered greatly. I thought Mom suffered, because she chose to stay with my Dad to raise Carol and me. Although I’m forever grateful, that was perhaps at the expense of her own happiness.
When I was a little boy, Mom knew that Dad scared the hell out of me. She said, “Jonny, slow down.” She reminded me to calm my soul. She reminded me to breathe. That things had a way of working out.
For the life of me, I could not figure out why Mom married Dad. Why did she love him?
For 17 years, Dad and I spent a week together fishing in Kenai Alaska, every July. There Dad was free to be himself. He did what he loved most on Planet Earth: Fish. I watched Dad from the lodge across the Kenai River, fish his limit of sockeye salmon for hours. He was literally the best sockeye fisherman on the river. People scheduled their fishing trips at the fishing lodge so that they could fish with Dad.
Sitting beside Dad on the fishing boat on the Kenai River, I wasn’t that frightened little boy, I was Dad’s Protector. He was under my watch. I saw the man, my Mom fell in love with. I loved Dad. You love who you love. Love is love.
Sports Analyst, the Face of ESPN, Stephen A. Smith spoke with Graham Bensinger on his podcast about his father. Stephen A.’s Mom was the great love of his life. His Father had another family, while he was married to his Mom. Stephen A. didn’t have much respect for his Father, who neglected his family responsibilities.
When Stephen A. was 17 years old, he told his Father, “If I gotta choose between you and Mommy? It’s gonna be Mommy. That’s the way it is. That’s the way it’s gonna stay.”
Paradoxically, Stephen A. delivered his Father’s eulogy in Queens, New York. He said, “All of you people who have so glowingly spoke about my father, while it’s appreciated, I want you to know, you’re entitled to your feelings. But on behalf of me and my sisters, we have an entirely different perspective about him.”
ESPN Host Stephen A. Smith recalled his late Mom, “Do you know that my Mom doesn’t even know the Network’s (ESPN) name?”
He said she still knew baseball, “because of my Dad.”
He said, “She loved herself some Ashley Basil Smith. Loved him to her core… There must have been something special about you (Dad).”
He regaled the good things about his Dad.
In catharsis, Stephen A. said, “But he was my Dad. And I loved him.”
I delivered my Dad’s eulogy in Honolulu, Hawaii. I told the story of when Dad taught me how to fish for sockeye salmon on the Kenai River banks. We got up early in the morning and went across the River to his favorite fishing spot. Dad patiently showed me what to do. We fished together. Standing in the river with our weighters.
I got a sockeye on my line. I set the hook like Dad taught me.
Dad yelled, “Keep your pole tip down!”
I thought, “WTF?”
Then I got it. Keeping my pole tip in the water, keeps the salmon from breaking from my fishing line. Dad would know.
When I got the salmon close to shore, Dad netted the fish. He was so proud. We hugged. I got a fish. I got Dad, too.
In closing Dad’s eulogy, I said, “I like to think that Dad is fishing at his favorite spot on the banks of Kenai River. That he’s happy. That he’s at peace. Rest in peace, Dad. I love you.”
Like Stephen A. Smith, I got to experience the man my Dad was, the Man my Mom fell in love with. What made him special to the most special person in my life. You love who you love. When I open up, keep my heart open, I see the love. Love is love.
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Photo by Austin Neill on Unsplash
