Making Your Wife Feel Loved

“You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.”

— Barbara De Angelis

Jeff called me in a panic. His wife claimed that he’s never loved her and if things didn’t change, she was leaving.

When he tried to defend himself and point out all the things he does for her and the children, she shut him down with, “Well, I’ve never felt loved.”

They’ve been together for fifteen years and have three children. Jeff is understandably confused and upset.

And because he is so confused, he’s afraid to do anything to try to show his love for fear of getting it wrong and losing her.

Unfortunately, Jeff’s experience is not unusual.

More than likely, she is engaging in revisionist history. If she had never felt loved by him, would she have married him?

But that doesn’t minimize how she’s feeling now. Or change the bind Jeff finds himself in.

Maybe you’ve had a similar conversation with your wife about what makes her feel loved.

It’s important to understand that the two of you probably don’t experience love in exactly the same way. Most couples don’t.

The mistake is showing love the way you want to receive it, not the way your wife needs. But this is what most of us do.

So even though you do love your wife, she might not feel it. The result—disconnection.

There are a couple of ways you can get things back on track.

First, go back and think about how she fell in love with you in the first place. What did you do with her? For her? What put that special smile on her face? What made her say yes to marrying you?

Then, think about the conversations you’ve had about this? What did she say makes her feel loved? Did you understand what she was asking for?

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Was it specific enough for you to take action? If so, did you? If not, why not?

One reason this doesn’t happen is it’s out of your comfort zone.

You’re not sure you’ll be able to do it right, so you stick with what you’ve always done. But this leaves her feeling unheard, unimportant, and, most importantly, unloved. Just like Jeff’s wife.

If you don’t want to end up like Jeff, then you need to step up, even if it’s uncomfortable.

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Previously Published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished on Medium.

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