Everyone has the one phrase that really cuts deep — it might not make sense to other people but to you, it hurts. There are some phrases that generally harm people’s mental health, especially when they already have a mental health problem. So, let’s go through them…
NUMBER ONE — ‘Man Up’
‘Man up’ is an outdated and completely illogical phrase that avoids the real issue at hand. It is a way of fueling toxic masculinity and invalidating men’s emotions and feelings.
‘Man up’ may seem like a harmless way to tell a man to step up and take responsibility but what it is really saying is that the man isn’t falling into the gender-specific man box that has been created for him. This box only validates men’s strength and power instead of their emotions and implies that your behavior can make you more or less masculine.
NUMBER TWO — ‘Calm Down’
Picture this — you’re having an anxiety or panic attack (something that you don’t really want and that you definitely did not start on purpose) and someone tells you to ‘calm down’. Firstly, well done! Yes, that would be absolutely amazing… if I could. During a panic or anxiety attack, it is very difficult to stay calm because you are being hit by all the emotions and fears within you at once. Secondly, how patronizing! How do the words ‘calm down’ help you to calm down in any way whatsoever. They don’t.
So now we’ve clarified why you shouldn’t say it, what could you say instead? Encourage the person who is having a panic or anxiety attack to breathe — inhale and exhale deeply with them and get them into a rhythm with their breath. It’s also important to try and remove them from the situation — if they are amongst a group of people, simply take them aside.
NUMBER THREE — ‘Things could be worse!’
We’ve all them days where we are faced with problem after problem and we don’t know how to handle them. We then get stressed out and angry but people don’t understand why because they haven’t been through every issue you have that day. So you explain and they respond… ‘it could be worse’.
This phrase really doesn’t help solve any of the problems, first of all, it simply brushes them under the carpet and attempts to change the subject.
Secondly, the thought that the problem could be worsened doesn’t help and stresses you out even more — you start asking yourself the ‘what ifs?’
It’s also highly unlikely that the person that you’re talking to knows exactly how you’re feeling so comparing them to someone else and saying that ‘it could be worse’ only belittles and undermines their experience.
NUMBER FOUR — ‘But you always seem happy’
Take yourself back to your birthday — the one where you opened a gift that you really didn’t like. After you’ve opened it, you pull a fake smile and say how much you love it. So basically you’ve faked an emotion and it was easy.
Now take this scenario and imagine it inside the head of someone with a mental health problem. Sometimes when you’re struggling it’s easier to fake happiness than it is to face all the questions about why you are unhappy or going through a difficult time.
So to think that a person is always happy is completely unreasonable. The last time I checked you do not spend every second of every day with anyone, and the majority of people you don’t know well enough to be able to understand their struggles.
So when you say ‘but you always seem happy’ chances are the person is rolling their eyes because you don’t know the whole situation — and let’s face it, you’re never going to meet someone who is permanently happy because that’s just not realistic.
‘Stay Positive!’
Positivity is an amazing thing and we should all try to encourage and spread it wherever we go. If you are trying to spread positivity then that is a great attribute and characteristic.
But, to suggest to someone that a simple alteration of their attitude will solve all there problems is completely unrealistic.
“I lost my job”… “oh well, stay positive”
“I’ve broken my leg”… “okay, just stay positive”
“I’m having a really hard time at the moment” … “just try and stay positive”
After reading them mini conversations, ask yourself: how does that change or aid the situation? The answer is simple, it doesn’t. Whilst a positive outlook is great, it merely suppresses the situation without a solution and allows it to build up. So instead of telling someone to stay positive why not help them through it — that way they will receive positive results in the end.
Sometimes before giving advice or making a comment, it’s important to place yourself in someone else’s situation and try to understand what they are going through. But simultaneously understand that you will never completely understand how they feel and how the situations are affecting them. Before jumping to give them your advice or witty phrases, try to help them out and find what you could do to truly help.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Aliyah Jamous on Unsplash