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In the introductory article of this Ultimate Courage column, I wrote that we will be exploring 5 vital questions for men:
- Who am I?
- Where am I going?
- What influences or inspires me to go there?
- How am I going to get there?
- What could stop me?
While all these questions are interrelated, we’re going to practice being orderly (not my greatest strength) and begin with the first question: “who am I?” Know that my intention is to be practical and direct as we probe a subject people have philosophized about throughout human history. The purpose of exploring and developing self-awareness is that increased self-knowledge contributes mightily to living better and thriving more: feeling confident and fulfilled, making better choices, creating more optimum outcomes, and generally enjoying life more.
At the same time, I question the usefulness of the term self-awareness. Doesn’t selves-awareness make more sense in that we all have a host of different characters (characteristics) that live within us? These varied selves have been called diverse names by psychologists—including subpersonalities, inner characters, aspects, self-parts or parts, disowned parts, introjects, and schemas. To simplify, we’ll use the word part. The reality is that we all have many different parts that make up the whole of who we are. At times, these parts interact together seamlessly. We’re in the flow; maybe even in the zone. At other times, not so much. These parts can be quite at odds with one another.
These parts are reflected in and through our various moods (happy, sad, anxious, angry, or peaceful) as well as the more nuanced shades and colors of each mood. Obviously different parts of us come out with different people at different times in different circumstances. I may be spacious and loving with my wife on a relaxed Saturday night but abrupt and short with her during a stressful Monday morning. My wife has her dry way of speaking about the categories of Daniel that may (and do) emerge. Know that she’s saying this tongue and cheek (I think): “There’s the good Daniel and the bad Daniel.” Guess which she prefers?
Our parts are always reflected in our behaviors. For example, you want to get into that bathing suit with pride or, at least, not shame when summer rolls around. But days later you’re at a party that just happens to have a large yummy looking chocolate cake. Sure you know that chocolate cake is not on your good food list. But, you say to yourself, what the heck? It’s a party. People eat chocolate cake at parties. I’m a person. I should eat chocolate cake at a party. Simply put, it’s easy to rationalize. Behaving in disaccord with our healthier values often leads to self-judgment; if not in the moment, then the next morning: “I’m such pig. What’s wrong with me for not resisting the cake?”
Oftentimes, we dislike a part of ourselves so intensely that we don’t explore the underlying desires and intention of this part: “What about that guy in me who tells me I’m a nothing, that’s just trying to push my face in the mud. Accept him?” This is where the conversation gets juicier. “Well,” I might begin with, “I can appreciate how loathsome this character must be to you. But what if you realized that, at heart, this character is trying to keep you safe. For example, by telling you that you’re stupid and have nothing worthwhile to share, he may be trying to protect you from speaking out and risking humiliation.” His purpose of trying to keep you safe or give you pleasure (think chocolate cake) can get lost in the negativity of his messaging.
It’s extremely helpful to appreciate the positive intention that lives in every annoying and frustrating part of us. Highly developed selves-awareness is when we face all different parts of ourselves—beauty, warts, and all. When we truly face, we are more likely to embrace. Selves-awareness often leads to selves-acceptance. It’s much easier to embrace when we look at the positive intention behind these “traitor” characters. We will explore this more in-depth in future blogs.
On the other hand, when we reject parts of ourselves and wish nothing more than to do them it, we’re actually committing a kind of emotional suicide. While this doesn’t lead to physical death, it does lead to a kind of inner deadening. One problem is that these parts have a gnarly tendency to get worse after they’ve been thrown out on the street. They become like those weird people who must exact revenge because they can’t handle being ignored, humiliated, or rejected—only they’re directed inwards. Research shows that it makes better sense and pays stronger dividends when we’re more inclusive of all of our parts. We must expand to include all the different parts of ourselves.
Understanding the wants and needs of different parts of ourselves can be extremely helpful in impacting our decisions and actions. I worked with a man recently who was experiencing selves-criticism and shame about continuing to work a job that he wants to leave. Yet, he had taken no appreciable action to make this happen over a long time period. He didn’t look for a new job nor even follow up with potential opportunities when people told him they may have a job for him. Even with the decision to stay, he hadn’t ever placed better boundaries on his current job. Saying “no” to requests was not in his wheelhouse. This led to lots of extra work and hassle.
He judged himself harshly for failing to take action. I pointed out to him that it may not be so clear about what to do. While he was totally focused on the infeasibility of having a job that led to driving six hours a day, he hadn’t really considered the positive side of the ledger that led him to stay:
- He feels deeply appreciated and acknowledged at work;
- He feels competent and capable there;
- He actually enjoys the work and receives meaning from it.
On the negative side of the ledger were:
- The long commute;
- Interviewing for a new job would put him out of his comfort zone;
- A new job triggered anxiety and uncertainty.
Getting a more nuanced and accurate understanding of the various forces living within him led to immediate action. He responded to a request for a resume the same day that he became aware of these various influences.
Oftentimes, conflicting values leads to procrastination, frustration, and helplessness. My next article for this column will focus on the underlying values that influence our behaviors. We’ll dig into how to become more aware of the values that underlie our behaviors. We’ll see that squarely facing our various parts of self, even if they’re in conflict with each other, can help create a sense of inner calm and ultimately selves-acceptance. When we peer below the visible ping pong balls on top of the table to the hidden bowling balls beneath the table, we are in a much better position to live thriving, healthy lives.
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