“Misery loves company.”
I’ve always hated this quote.
Usually, the sentiment behind it is that people who are unhappy want you to be as unhappy as they are. They may even go out of their way to do things to ensure that you’re just as miserable as they feel.
It paints people as inherently evil and completely overshadows other components that might explain the real blueprint behind the phenomenon of us “loving” the company of other miserable people when life isn’t giving us its best.
For this reason, I’ve found that this cliche never quite applies.
Does misery really love company?
Or do we?
…
Life has been breaking my heart lately
I’m going through a very difficult and gut-wrenching transition in my personal life and in a very meaningful connection I have with someone.
I could feel the outcome before it got here.
I knew it was going to end.
I knew I was going to have to end it.
And because I had to let this story play out the way it was written I had no choice but to painfully survive the task of accepting what will be while trying my hardest to embrace every moment that is (or was).
A friend of mine has been going through similar changes and interestingly enough whenever one of us has had a blowout in our separate connections the other one ended up having one just a few days later.
We often sync up.
Which means by default my misery has company.
But it doesn’t love it.
I don’t enjoy the fact that she is in pain (when she is).
I don’t feel good about any aspect of her life falling apart, even if it is for a day or two. I don’t love any part of her suffering.
But…
Do I like the fact that my misery has company?
Yes.
But not because I want the company.
Not because I need the company.
(I didn’t even expect the company.)
My misery likes the company because it appreciates it.
…
This is a matter of empathy vs. sympathy
It feels relieving to have someone not only sympathize with me…
But empathize with me, as well.
Because there is a difference.
People who sympathize with you feel for you.
But the people who empathize with you feel with you.
It’s a totally different level of comprehension.
One of the two leaves you feeling less lonely in your human experience.
Those who empathize with us are acutely aware of our pain and are more likely to offer genuine human kindness and compassion.
They’re better at determining what approach might be needed.
They are the people less likely to offer us tough love and a strictly logical point of view when what is actually needed is softness and an unconventional perspective of the situation at hand.
Empathizers understand that.
They get it.
Empathizers are also better at giving us the advice we need, especially if they have overcome whatever we’re currently going through.
Be it recently or further in the past.
Because these are the people who can tell us from firsthand experience the roads available for us to take to journey away from our misery.
However, those who can empathize with us because they’re currently going through similar hardships as us, bring a very specific gift to the table.
Because what they offer us is the comfort of their company.
And that is the point.
These are the moments that we bond with one another, as humans, through trauma. This is one of the many forms of connecting.
Life isn’t always grand.
We will not be meeting everybody we will know at our best. Some connections were meant to form during the shitstorms.
And in many cases, this is how we’re going to pull through.
(And maybe it’s through this perspective we can start to embrace a lesser truth: Our misery doesn’t love company… our misery needs company.)
…
Misery, itself, does not love company
It loves the comfort of company.
Sometimes what keeps us going is encountering people who share our experiences; people who know our pain, and can recognize our traumas without us having to explain ourselves.
Not because we’re sadistic.
But because we’re human and afraid.
We all long to be understood.
Especially when we can’t be loved.
It’s reassuring to know that somebody out there “gets” it. Sometimes it’s even more reassuring when it comes from a total stranger.
I consider this particular phenomenon to be one of life’s little miracles.
A way of throwing us a bone.
Or better yet, a lifeline.
Because we’re all gonna need it.
At some point.
Every single one of us.
So no, my misery doesn’t love your company.
It appreciates the hell out of it.
About Me — Linda Sharp
The writer who has to write in order to stay alive — I am not kidding.
medium.com
© Linda Sharp 2023. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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