Sometimes, all you need is one person, to restore your faith in all of humanity.
Life-changing love is not something you experience very often. Most of us go through most our lives wondering why it all just doesn’t work for us. Until one day, it does.
One day, this beautiful soul walks into your life and turns it upside down. They are nothing like anyone you’ve met before. They are what the books and movies said soulmates are like. They light your face up with smiles and make your eyes sparkle with joy. They stand by you through the good, bad and the ugly. Not only do they love you, they make you fall in love with yourself too.
With them, you begin to believe that love exists. You finally understand how nothing had worked so far because it was all supposed to work with this person. You let your guard down, opening yourself up to embrace all that love has to offer. Then, they leave and your world comes crashing down.
You can convince yourself to move on from a toxic partner. But how does one possibly detach from the non-toxic ones?
Acceptance is where it all begins or so I learnt.
The aftermath of every painful situation ever follows the same pattern. You undergo the Five Stages of Grief. You go into Denial, get furiously Angry, land up at the Bargaining stage where you hang on to shreds for a way to make things work and finally the wave of Depression hits you. The last stage of Acceptance is generally the longest and the hardest.
Accepting the end of a toxic relationship is comparatively easier. In little moments, you see how you’re better off without them. But it hits home when a seemingly perfect partner leaves you or worse, discards you (potentially replacing you while your wounds are still fresh).
It takes time and consistent effort to accept the absence of a significant person. For a long time, you’ll barely function. You’ll feel like you’re not even in your body anymore. Believe me, it gets better. Slowly, you learn to see past the pain. You grow as a person, the realizations keep awakening you. And I’ve found this to be the only way to truly move on from a person who did no harm.
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Pondering over the Million Dollar Question: Does running make them a horrible person or does it just make them human?
When it comes to breakups with partners who’ve been really good to you, it can go two ways. One, they can let you down slowly and be on their best behavior to avoid the mess and chaos. Two, they run. From the mess and chaos. From you. If they chose the latter, it is natural for you to feel hurt and betrayed. But yet it doesn’t feel like reason enough to demonize them.
So now, your conclusions keep oscillating. You wonder if they ran because they gave you no pain and very likely, couldn’t see you in pain. Or if they showed you the best of them because they loved you and now that they don’t love you anymore, they don’t feel the obligation to give you their best?
All things considered, it may be a turbulent time for them too. They might have a side that you do not know or understand. But it doesn’t matter because they left. Irrespective of their side of the story, your story now is a life without them and that is all you should focus on.
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Develop a distraction pattern for when you’re at your lowest
The aftermath of separations include a sudden void that presents itself time and again. Throughout the day, tiny things remind you of them and you keep brushing them away. And at night, you feel the excruciating pain of their absence with every breath.
My sore point was nightmares. I’ve had them, all my life. Apart from when I was dating my ex. When he left, they resumed. Only worse. Because now, he was in my nightmares. The residual feel of him lingered long after I had woken up. It was the most sinking feeling to wake up to. Initially, I would lay in bed, fighting it for hours before I could even walk again.
With time, I learnt it doesn’t go away. You have to chase it away. You need to distract yourself and keep distracting till the longing fades. Later, I would instantly get out of bed and find my dog or talk to someone or open Instagram and start scrolling. A distraction pattern prevents those feelings from festering. On the good days, they pass almost immediately when I shift my focus. On the bad days, I remind myself, healing comes in waves.
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Let go of ‘If you were here right now’ and distance yourself.
The most toxic thing we do is living with the ghosts of our partners. Letting their shadows loom over our heads. Every time you think, if he was here, he would say… Stop yourself right there. They’re not there. They are no longer the same person they were. Not in a way that matters to you.
Distance yourself from the thoughts and reminders of them. The breakup wasn’t expected, so every memory is a good memory, bound to bring out emotions. As impossible as it may feel, please don’t indulge. I know it’s hard. But it’s also necessary. Avoid everything that has attached sentimental value including clothes, gifts, songs and places. Stop yourself from rereading old conversations. The pictures and voice notes might momentarily comfort you but they’ll eventually deepen your wounds.
Most importantly, don’t keep tabs. Their happiness and unhappiness will both affect you. You don’t need to know what their life looks like now. The only thing that matters is that you’re not in it. Think of them as wonderful people you once knew, being their wonderful selves, away from you.
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Reconciliation fantasies will do no good. You’re separated because it wasn’t working.
If they wanted you, if they wanted to stay, they wouldn’t have left. The good ones don’t play games. They’re black and white about their intentions. And you know that. Which scares you more. You know it ended but your fragile little heart just does not want to give up. Because connection is rare. Losing that rattles your entire sense of self.
You have to remind yourself that they had you and chose to let you go because it wasn’t right. For either of you. You know in your heart that they must’ve thought of all possibilities to salvage the relationship before ending it. No matter what the trigger, people grow apart only when they fail to meet each other’s needs.
Walking away may not be what you wanted but love isn’t forced. It shouldn’t feel so hard. For anyone. When a person becomes a choice out of obligation and not out of desire, there’s no real love left. Let it go.
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The good ones show you your worth. That is yours to keep, even after they’re gone.
Out of all the people we come across, very few truly value us and treat us like we mean the world to them. Almost all my life, I loved people who couldn’t love me back in the way I deserved. I thought love was overrated. I made peace with people’s mediocre treatment of me because that was all I knew.
In most of my previous relationships, I was terrified of being left. But in my last one, I wasn’t. I felt secure enough to believe that the worst isn’t gonna happen. I didn’t even know that feeling existed. Past experiences had shaped the belief that I wasn’t capable of loving someone or of being loved by someone. So when I was treated well, it came as a shock. It took me time to unlearn that love is messy and chaotic. It’s that too but for the most part, it is extraordinarily wonderful.
I finally saw my worth because my someone showed it to me. Irrespective of him leaving, this is a gift that’s mine to keep. One good relationship taught me something I wouldn’t have known otherwise and for that, I’m genuinely grateful.
You cannot always have what you want.
Sometimes you get what you need.
― Linda Berdoll
There are people you miss and then there are people without whom your world feels like all the color has been drained out of it. This is that kind of pain, I won’t tell you to forget and move on.
To be honest, no one ever really forgets anything. Even after the love has worn off, even when you’re over them, residual affection and longing might present itself every now and then. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to feel all the pain you feel. You loved, you lost. It ain’t the end of the world but it’s a pretty big deal.
People and relationships are not math equations. There is no formula that will get you the correct answer.
Quite often, what we think we want in a partner might not align with what we really need and the idea of people does not always align with the reality of them. There are times when things just don’t work and it has a lot to do with who each of us is, outside of a relationship. Losing a partner you saw potential with might actually a good time to introspect because compatibility is so much more elusive than love.
Sometimes, we lose what we love most to realize what we need most. Other times, we need someone who can show us just how much we’re worth. To show us the wonderful possibilities the world has to offer when the pieces finally fall in the right place.
Human emotions and connections don’t come in a hue, they’re a complete spectrum. So let them off the hook, for leaving and remember them as people who changed you, for the better.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash