Dear Rachel,
This year I was supposed to find you.
And truth be told, I tried.
The two situationships I had were a dead end. The few talking stages I went through were dreadful to say the least.
I don’t wish them to have turned into something more either because if I knew it wasn’t right, why prolong it?
I’m not one to force things anymore. And I know better when it comes to what I want.
When I looked for you, I thought I shouldn’t be. For love comes naturally and if you look for it, it’ll be anything but love when you eventually find it.
When I wasn’t looking, I felt guilty for not trying.
All I wanted was a cozy holiday season spent next to you.
Silly laughter and ticklish nose kisses unwillingly traded for a quiet room that’s too big for just myself.
Room in which, for the time being, there’s no one to celebrate the good moments with.
No one’s side to fight along.
No lap to rest my head on when I’m tired. No one’s tummy where I can forget anything else exists but us.
No delicate feet to massage underneath the table when we play board games.
No one to worry about when they’re away.
No one I can cherish.
No one to surprise with flowers and thoughtful gifts that are worth remembering. No one to see smile and tear up when I do.
No one to ask me how they should get their nails done, so I can say French almost all the time. No one’s nails running through my hair and scratching my head — my favourite thing ever.
No one to mindlessly sing and dance with on our signature songs.
No one’s random thoughts to listen to late at night.
No one’s head laying on my chest when we enjoy our favorite movies, TV shows and anime. No one’s fingers that brush my hands while I do the same to yours.
No toes to curl around when we’re wrapped under the covers. The skin’s heat we touch and feel inside our safe and loving arms. A feast for feelings, your heart pounds on top of mine. Two bodies lost together, they get lost but treasure find.
No one I can spoil.
No one to comfort when times are rough. No one to comfort me back.
No one to train with, so we can then share the most copious of meals, and the most lustful cardio sessions after that.
No one’s thigh to hold when I’m driving or when we’re out having dinner. Always sit next to each other, never across.
No one’s tender heart to warm with lip, cheek and forehead kisses.
No one’s innocent soul to look after.
No one to experience new things with. Think of all the places we ain’t been. All the things we haven’t seen.
When arguments arise, no one I can stay mad at for long.
No one’s lingering scent to become my favorite smell in the world.
No lower back to hold and pull close when we passionately make out each time we see each other.
No one’s fallen hair strand to place behind their ear. No one to call gorgeous, pretty, beautiful and stunning, as I show you off into the mirror.
No one to laugh so hard with that we both can’t breathe.
No one’s eyes and smile to fall in love with every moment that I live.
Love hasn’t been very kind to me lately. But self-love has.
And, for now, I’ll take that deal because I’ll stand a better man when you arrive.
Some clips I like:
☔ Here, have this umbrella for a rainy day. If you would like to support me, please share my story with your friends and loved ones.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Lance Reis on Unsplash