My Wife Said She Doesn’t Feel Safe

hey brother it’s Dan with good guys to

Great Men again thanks again for

watching today I wanted to talk a little

bit about safety and about the effect it

has on your relationship and how much we

know about that or don’t know about that

someone said to me in a call this week

when animals feel safe they play and it

stood out to me because I think we don’t

really understand that when we’re

talking about an intimate romantic

passionate relationship between two

humans between a man and a

woman we don’t understand that there’s

instinctual reactions that are going on

all the time so much communication is

happening constantly between the two of

us we think it’s all about the words

that we use right and yes the words that

we use have a lot of impact but there’s

so much other stuff going on at the same

time you’ve heard us talk about body

language to heard us talk about facial

expressions the look in your eye can

make a huge different difference to how

somebody perceives what’s being

communicated from you the tone of your

voice you know intonation all this stuff

is information that is being used by the

other person constantly to determine a

meaning from whatever it is that we’re

communicating how we’re being with them

and so this instinctual reaction is

feeding into their response and the same

goes the other way so when we talk about

when animals feel safe they play what

really talking about is when she feels

safe she’s playful or wants to play

right so in this kind of situation we’ll

be talking to a guy and he’ll be saying

well the relationship is strange we’re

arguing a lot or we we aren’t being U

affectionate we’re not being sexual with

each other we’re not flirt being

flirtatious we’re not having fun

together right we’re not doing that

stuff so that points to a lack of safety

right a lack of safety and the only

other thing I’d add to that is a lack of

feeling understood and cared for so if

there’s a lack of safety and a lack of

feeling understood and cared for what

you generally get is somebody who is

seeing you with a lack of high regard

you know not giving you the benefit of

the doubt coming from that place of

self- protection because when we’re not

feeling safe we are in self- protection

make no qualms about it that’s where we

are it’s a

natural it’s a natural state for us to

go into biologically we’ve leared how to

go into this because we’ve had to learn

how to be aware of our surroundings how

to be aware of the way somebody’s

communicating us that might indicate

we’re not safe in some way or another so

we had to learn that stuff and it’s

going on in the background it happens

before we’ve even realized it the most

important part of that is

okay if somebody somebody is being a

certain way with me if their tone is

short if they’re sharp if they’re

critical you know if they’re belligerent

whatever I’m interpreting from their

behavior what if I was to change my

perspective and say okay that’s an

indication that this person doesn’t feel

safe all right that changes again my

perspective of what’s going on if the

other person doesn’t feel safe then how

do I create some safety because what

normally happens is one person acts a

certain way and we react act we go into

you know some kind of reaction which is

you know why does she have to be that

way why is this relationship you know

never this relationship never feels like

it’s going to go anywhere what’s the

point why are we even in a relationship

together why does she have to say those

things why does she have that opinion of

me all of these things why should if she

were just you’ve heard us talk about

these things many times you’re in a

state of not feeling safe at that point

you’re in a state of self- protection at

that point so if we can just not notice

when we go into that place of feeling

unsafe and use that awareness to say

okay if I’m feeling unsafe pretty much

guarantee you that the other person is

feeling unsafe so what if I was to step

out of feeling unsafe right now am I in

any danger no I’m okay you know I’m

going to be okay so even when the other

person is acting in a way that feels

aggressive

you know feels condescending whatever

can I step out of my own lack of safety

and create an environment of curiosity

of intrigue of safety for the other

person to be able to relax and join me

in a safer place and at that point we

can relate on a very different level so

this is what we do in coaching we help

you understand this stuff we help you

understand the nuances so that you can

create the safe environment in which the

play the fun the enthusiasm the passion

can return that’s all I have for you

today guys take it easy bye