Jesse Kornbluth personally reviews the hangover preventative, Never Too Hungover.
Taxes are due on Monday, April 18. This may drive you to drink. If so, you may come to value this product as much as a carry forward stock loss. Call it a “business expense” and deduct it.
I drink so rarely that, when pressed, I tell a joke. (I am Jewish. I can tell it. If you’re not Jewish, you really can’t — though you can laugh or smile.).
Why don’t Jews drink?
Because it dulls the pain.
So how can I recommend Never Too Hungover?
I assembled a panel. And we drank.
J. is a career drinker with a philosophy that supports his alcohol consumption: “Food fucks you up.”
H. is a professional woman who unwinds after the trading day with what she likes to call a “beverage.”
P. is thin and athletic. Alcohol hits her fast and hard.
And me, who nurses a shot of Bulleit Bourbon for hours. In 2003, I took possession of 9 cases of 2000 Bordeaux. I still have 5. (For my New York Times piece, “Turning Hard Assets Into Liquid Options, click here.)
What we drank: 2.5 bottles of 2009 Chateau Plince Pomerol, with some shots of Bulleit as a nightcap.
What we ate: Explorateur, a soft, creamy French cheese. Chopped liver mousse. Baguette.
Why none of us felt the pain in the morning: Never Too Hungover, a “hangover prevention drink” described as “the official drink before you drink.”
Why it works (according to the company): “The primary cause of a hangover is a toxin called acetaldehyde, which is produced in large quantities by the liver when alcohol is ingested.”
What it contains: amino acids, antioxidants, nutrients, and minerals. Key Ingredients include Vitamin B, Potassium, Milk Thistle, Green Tea Extract, Aloe Vera, Electrolytes, and Gotu Kola. It is sugar free, gluten free, 7 calories per 3.5 ounces, has no added caffeine.
The creation story: “Parrish Whitaker’s sister was diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disease where the body’s immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal body tissue. In an effort to help save her, Parrish’s father donated his kidney to her. Both of their recoveries were enhanced by a nutrient-rich antioxidant formula prescribed by their family’s holistic doctor. Parrish was impressed by this formula due to it returning both family members back to full health, leaving their organ functionality to recover faster than expected. He became curious and experimented with other uses of it and found out that it was incredibly effective in helping prevent a hangover.”
How you take it: one 3.5 ounce bottle per 4 drinks, best taken before or while drinking, but not more than 2 a day. You can drink it straight or in a drink. And it doesn’t hurt to drink several glasses of water before you go to sleep.
What it costs: $23.99 for six 3.5 ounce bottles. [To buy Never Too Hungover from Amazon, click here.]
Comsumer report (millennial reviewer, because she’d know, right?):
Consumer reviews on Amazon:
I wonder if I could buy a 55 gallon drum of this.
The greatest thing ever invented.
A must-have for any seasoned binge-drinker.
It definitely helps me not feel completely useless the next day. Still just tired and dehydrated but not that awful hangover feeling or worthlessness.
Reduces hangover by about 75% -85%.
I don’t drink without it.
It beats feeling like crap for two days, or having to spend the day in bed wishing you were dead.
Negative factor: “The only downfall is the taste of this stuff…it is electric green in color and tastes like a lime vitamin drink and even burns a little when you drink it. But it’s only a few ounces, so it’s not so bad.”
Recipe for a Bloody Maria, a drink that masks the taste and delivers alcohol at the same time:
2 shots of Tequila
1 3.5 oz bottle of Never Too Hungover
Bloody Mary mix
Pepper + hot sauce (if you’re feeling spicy)
BONUS VIDEO (with women in low cut dresses)
This article originally appeared on The Head Butler
Photo credit: Getty Images