In Sunday Aikido Class, we practiced the bokuto (wooden sword) okuden (advanced training). As the semei, I strike the shite (the one receiving the attack) to the head with my bokuto. The shite waits out the attack, then strikes 3 times to my head. The shite’s first strike to my head makes me draw back. I don’t want to get hit. Yeah.
Once I create space in moving back, I try to attack again. Both shite and semei match the attack in their attack. Taking back the center by placing the kensaki (sword) on the inside is the escape. If I defend, I can be defeated. I invite the attack. I don’t aggress against aggression.
That being said, often I hesitate attacking back after the shite’s strikes. I’m scared of getting hit in the head. That would hurt, a lot. Just saying. Still, I enter the attack and die with honor. Just train.
Ishibashi Sensei demonstrated what to do as the semei, the one receiving the shite’s strikes. He tried to attack after each shite strike until the end. The semei loses in the okuden. I enter the attack and die with honor. That’s the training.
Sensei smiled. He said, “No one cares that you’re scared.” I smiled back. Profound truth, not facetious indifference. Sensei’s ruthless compassion. Sensei reminds, “Apply the (Aikido) technique to yourself.” O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I’m my GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponent. It’s me against me. Oh yeah, no one cares that I’m scared. That’s all on me.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” When the 250-pound man comes to punch me, hell yeah, I’m scared. Still, I wait it out. I match the attack in my attack. I enter the attack and die with honor. I get under the attack; get under what I fear.
I bring the attacker to my center. In the center of the attack, I choose who I am and what I do. I apply nikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the attack with yoko-iriminage (strike to the side of the head) to the attacker I choose to let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker chooses to take the fall or stand down from his attack. Both sides choose.
When I enter the attack, enter what I fear, I let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough. The fear I got from Dad when I was the scared little boy. Although my fear inside may completely disappear, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside. No one cares that I’m scared. I let go of my fear inside. I free me. No one else can.
I loved someone. I feared deep inside that I was not good enough. That was truth, too. I said what was inside me, “I love you.” I dared to fail bravely, dared to be me. She loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. I failed bravely, too. No one cared that I was scared. That was the bravest I’ve ever been. Honestly, I would have rather taken the punch from the 250-pound dude. Just saying.
I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. There will always be someone who’s better than I am. That’s just life. I choose who I am and what I do in every moment. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. My heart is true. Magokoro.
I’m always scared of something. I always have fear inside me. I’m just human like everyone else. In the bigger picture, no one really cares that I’m scared. That’s all on me. If I defend, I can be defeated. I enter what I fear and let go of my fear inside that I’m not good enough over and over and over and over again. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. Just train.
After Aikido practice, Ishibashi Sensei said, “You’re opening up more.” I smiled. I said, “Yeah, I always have something to work on. Every day, I try to be a better person.” Sensei smiled and said, “We work on ourselves. That’s all we can do.” Just saying. Amen.
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