You have to act as if it were radically possible to change the world. And you have to do it all the time.
~ Angela Davis, Feminist Political Activist, Philosopher, Author & Revolutionary
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Way back, I had my first romantic dream with a woman. It was innocent — lying on the bed beside one another, I gently stroked my fingers along the outside of her thigh.
That was it.
When I woke up, I remembered thinking ‘That was so weird.’ What made it even more so was the fact that the person in my dream was Daisy, my then-sister-in-law (my older brother’s wife). She and I had had our differences over the years, but we eventually smoothed them over.
Still, I don’t know why that dream entered my subconscious. Of course, we all know that had I conjured up Freud’s spirit, he would’ve clarified things for me right quick, with his —
Dreams are unfulfilled wishes in disguise.
While I do remember having a strange feeling after that fantasy-in-sleeping, I can’t recall if something, in particular, had happened between Daisy and me. She was (is) of petite build, very fair-skinned, with green eyes — not at all my type.
What was all of that about then? I’d never had so much as kissed another femme. Of course, I’d had a few close relationships with women, but mostly, my friends were male — I tended to get along better with men. Though, that’s another story.
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Change of Scenery
I never told Daisy about my dream — not even so much as hinted at it. She and I had lost touch, then met again at a family celebration for her son’s born-day celebration. My nephew was turning 25.
Now that I think about it, I know why I never said anything — fear of being shamed or laughed at. The majority of my family holds conservative-leaning religious views. Couple that with the sad fact that our Puerto Rican culture remains largely against anything other than heterosexual unions.
Keeping quiet back then was just a way for me to avoid rocking my family’s boat. It would’ve been a big deal — at least that’s how I figured it to be.
Fast forward two decades later.
Much has changed in my life. I am no longer living in New York City, I’ve been married (then divorced), I left my cushy corporate life behind, and I moved back to Borikén, my ancestral motherland.
Being here and experiencing the all-too-common aversion of many to relationships other than cis-gender-oriented is reminding me of that dream again. To be clear: there are open-minded people here in Borikén, ones who support all types of relationships, regardless of labels.
I’m less a fan of labels; however, I understand that some prefer to use terms like lesbian, gay, non-binary, and queer (just to name a few). I respect that — no question. Of course, I also realize that while being accepting of a ‘non-traditional’ romantic lifestyle can be difficult for some, it is also liberating.
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The Non-Desire
Leaving the States in November 2021, I already had started a relationship with a man here (in Borikén). He’s a cis-gender male and though he claims to be fully open-minded, he’s got a bit of machismo, old-school, a pinch homophobic mentality.
That too, is a conversation for another post.
I will, however, give him credit for not reacting overboard when I told him about my dream about Daisy. Honestly, I can’t even recall his exact words. But, I know that during our relationship (one I recently ended), I had begun to consider my own sexual fluidity.
Largely, I still remain attracted to men — physically, but sometimes I wonder about being with another femme. Is it my cultural upbringing that is stopping me? Am I afraid of the rejection of those few family members I’m close to. Or is there something inside of me that is giving me pause?
Many questions, unanswered. And I’m comfortable with it being so. At 55 years young and beautiful, I’ve had so many lived experiences and have seen what harm the world can do to non-conforming persons.
For now, I’m content with simply considering the possibilities of experimenting with my feelings and thoughts. When and if I’m ready to start a romantic liaison with a femme, it won’t be because of how said person identifies — it will be because of what their heart offers.
Because truly: Love Is Love 🤎
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Gracias for reading my story.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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