One of my past relationships was quite intense. It was a crazy rollercoaster in which it was really great when things were going well, and really horrible when things were going down.
Because of the unstable dynamics between us, I suddenly found myself doing things I would have never done before, and for a while, it was quite destructive for my self-worth.
It was only after going much deeper with my understanding of relationship dynamics, masculine and feminine energies and the science and psychology behind it, that I could finally have a better understanding of what happened, why it happened the way it happened, and how I can actually change the story for my love life.
The deadly sin: controlling the situation
That relationship caught me completely off guard and vulnerable, as I was hungry for a deep connection, and we connected in ways I’d never experienced before.
We would spend hours intimately sharing so many things dear to each of our hearts and souls.
However, as we met in such depth, our deeply rooted traumas started to get triggered by each other. and it didn’t take too long before everything started to fall apart, due to our lack of experience in dealing with this level of intensity.
As we bond deeper and deeper with someone, our female brain wiring starts to take over and can get really triggered by potential disruption in the connection. It drives us into fixing mode, trying to harmonize any potential conflicts.
One of our dominant hormones, estrogen, often drives us to seek out connection and protect its harmony. This can lead to much more sensitivity towards subtler signs that can potentially show threats in connections.
In other words, women are often more in tune with what might be going wrong in relationships, simply because throughout our history of evolution, women’s survival has often depended on how they could foster proper connections with others.
And the less stability and safety she feels in a relationship, the less she can trust her partner to fix things, which makes her more and more compelled to take the fixer role instead of allowing the masculine energy to lead.
The problem with this dynamic is that it becomes a negative downward spiral. The less a woman can trust her partner, the more controlling she becomes. And the more she attempts to control, the less her partner is compelled to step up, which leads to even less stability, safety and trust.
Eventually, either the relationship falls apart from the culmination of conflicts, or the constant cortisol in the woman’s body affects her estrogen and oxytocin levels, blocking her capacity for bonding and eventually leading to her disconnect from her partner.
How to flip the script: implementing boundaries as the feminine
How to properly implement boundaries is perhaps one of the most powerful things I learned.
I used to stress about being understood and fighting for what I felt I deserved. This often led to frustration and negative blows on my self-worth, as I often felt rejected by the other person.
Trying to argue and convince someone else of our perspective often leads to defensiveness and competitiveness, and no one would actually feel heard as both sides are too busy trying to be heard instead of listening.
I realized that the most powerful thing I could do was to actually turn inward and ask my heart, “does this really feel good to me?” If not, then it’s up to me to express how I feel, and if nothing changes, to simply walk away.
In this past relationship, my ex-partner used to break up with me whenever we argued. I used to try to convince him that we could sort things out together and I stayed with him even if it didn’t feel right.
Eventually, I learned that I didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t sure about me anymore, so I decided to simply walk away if someone was not deciding to choose me.
Doing so led to two scenarios in my relationships: the ones who weren’t sure, would be gone. And the ones who were, they chose to work things out together.
All I needed to do was to respect both my desires and the desires of the other person. I would be understanding of their feelings, but show them what I desire and how I’d prefer to let each other go and walk away if what we desire is not aligned.
It would still hurt, but it’d hurt less than the long, slow death full of frustration and hits on our self-esteem.
Besides, this can be a powerful opportunity to see if the other person would really choose us. Because if they do, we will know that it’s not because we had to convince them, but because they do choose to. And that feels a thousand times more fulfilling.
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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:
How to Have Boundaries that Really Works in Relationships
3 Feminine Principles That Improved My Relationships
4 Important Aspects That Changes Our Perception On Relationships
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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