There are a lot of factors that go into happy relationships, true.
If you’re in an abusive marriage, or a marriage with other serious problems, then this article’s not for you.
If you’re in a good marriage, however, keep reading.
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When I first got married, I was full of insecurities. I was recovering from prescription opioid addiction, and my self-esteem was at an all-time low.
On the flip side, my husband was full of confidence. I let him take the lead wherever we went, since I figured he was better at talking to people anyway.
As you can imagine, this didn’t help my lack of self-confidence.
I eventually started to feel resentment toward my husband, as if it was his fault that my self-esteem was so poor.
But, as I continued to heal from the havoc opioid addiction wreaked on my brain, I started to put myself out there more and more.
My mind went from a dark place, one where everything was negative, to a place where light could enter. One where I started to see the good all around me again.
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We all are in dark places at some point in our lives.
But do we project that darkness onto others?
Do we let our lack of self-esteem take over, and let our attitudes become increasingly negative?
When you struggle to see yourself in a good light, it’s hard to see anyone else in that light, either.
And unfortunately, that can include the people we love the most.
When I was struggling early on in my marriage, I had a hard time seeing what was good about myself. That led me to picking out faults in my husband, real or imagined.
I had so many faults — he must have some too. Right?
It was easier to see things that way than choosing to believe good things about myself. Finding the good in myself back then was hard — I was full of self-loathing and self-doubt.
But projecting your insecurities onto others never helped anyone.
Have you ever seen a couple where the wife nagged the husband for every little thing?
Where she criticized him in front of others every chance she got?
Or maybe you’ve seen a couple where the husband berated the wife publicly. Maybe she forgot something or did something he didn’t like — it doesn’t matter what.
Sadly, this happens more often than you’d think.
People struggle with all sorts of things, and sometimes in relationships, they project their struggles onto the other person and make them suffer.
And they do it in front of other people.
There’s never a good time to criticize your spouse in front of other people.
People in happy marriages don’t tear each other down in public.
They don’t complain about things that bother them about their spouse in front of them, and they don’t try their best to make themselves look better than them, either.
No, instead they build them up. They talk about all the great things their spouse does and don’t mention any mistakes.
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But what happens when you do struggle with something out of your control? When your self-esteem takes a nose-dive, and you’re having a hard time?
It all starts with your thoughts.
Like it says above, when your self-esteem is low and you think negatively about yourself, it’s easy to see negative things about your spouse as well.
But when your thoughts go in that direction, re-direct them. Tell yourself that while you may be having a hard time, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
Look for the good in yourself and look for the good in your spouse, too.
So if you want to have a happy marriage, develop this habit.
The habit of looking for the good in yourself and in your spouse. Of choosing to never criticize them publicly, no matter the circumstances.
This quote by Carl Van sums it up perfectly:
“You will see what you are looking for, therefore, look for what you hope to see.”
For many of us, happiness in married life doesn’t have to be elusive. We don’t have to let the struggles and pressures that surround us take over.
We just have to choose to look for the good.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash