—
We all know how important it is to have a safe word. Okay, jokes aside, safe words are actually a great tool to use during a heated argument.
My husband and I have been married just over three years. Our honeymoon phase seemed to last forever, until one day we had a major blow-out of a fight.
Thankfully we didn’t fight like that again for another six months. But during that second emotionally raw fight, I thought to myself, I don’t want to be the couple who forgets how to respect each other just because we are unable to see eye-to-eye.
I’ve been married before but for my husband, this is his first marriage. The emotional baggage I carry with me causes me to feel afraid when we fight because I know where it led. The last time I was married, it led to divorce. We could never figure out how to maintain respect while disagreeing on something. Because of this, big, blow-out fights give me anxiety and make me feel unsafe in my current marriage.
I entered this marriage promising my new husband I would not lose my cool when I got emotional, even when the things he said or did triggered painful memories for me. He agreed to do the same. But sometimes emotions get the better of us.
My husband, never having been married before, had a bit of a learning curve. He was so busy training for his career, he didn’t even have much experience with long-term relationships.
After the third huge blow-out fight, we both agreed to go to therapy. We both really love each other and these fights scared us. When we said our vows, we agreed that divorce was not an option. I didn’t want to be divorced again, and he comes from a family with an excellent track record for long-lasting marriages. I was finally starting to feel safe in this relationship until the third aggressive fight.
Our honeymoon was over and the disillusionment phase had scared us straight into the therapist’s office. As expats living in Southeast Asia, we are lucky to live in a place where therapy is more affordable than the Western world, where sometimes therapy isn’t an option simply because of the cost.
What we learned in therapy is that whenever we are getting to the point of no return in an argument we say our safe word. If I use ‘that tone’ my husband feels is my attacking-him tone, he says the word. If my husband gives me ‘that look’, you know the one that makes you feel like he’s disgusted by you? Say your safe word.
Our therapist told us to pick something ridiculous to really jolt us out of the moment and of course, all I could come up with is ‘banana’ or ‘keep going,’ (thanks Pazuzu from the movie, “Sisters”).
It doesn’t matter what word or phrase you choose as long as it snaps you out of the high tension, raw emotion tirade that can drain you and your relationship. This technique will help you remember each other outside of the argument you are having. The person you agreed to respect and love for a lifetime.
We have used this technique successfully and our fights are starting to get less volatile and more productive. Moving through the disillusionment phase brings about the stability phase. Something I’m looking forward to, given my history and the anxiety it has created in my life.
I’m so thankful to have been taught this technique and hope sharing it can help other couples work through their hard moments.
They always say marriage is hard work but with the right tools, it can be meaningful, respectful work.
—
◊♦◊
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Are you a first-time contributor to The Good Men Project? Submit here:
◊♦◊
Have you contributed before and have a Submittable account? Use our Quick Submit link here:
◊♦◊
Do you have previously published work that you would like to syndicate on The Good Men Project? Click here:
◊♦◊
Got Writer’s Block?
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
♦◊♦
We are a participatory media company. Join us.
Participate with the rest of the world, with the things you write and the things you say, and help co-create the world you want to live in.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all-access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class, and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group, and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Vera Arsic on Pexels