For all of you that have been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for “wellsplaining” you.
—
Depression Suppression.
It’s a term I made up about the desire to hide depression and it’s underlying symptoms. While it’s ok to be “sad” sometimes, there’s a stigma to having mental illness or depression and I am acknowledging the part I played in keeping anyone feeling suppressed. I’m so sorry. I didn’t see it.
I realized I “wellsplained” an entire group of people.
This apology is to all the people with depression I’ve spoken with, written with, worked with, met, and all of the lovely souls dedicated to helping us spread the word on depression and mental illness at the University of Colorado Depression Center:
I’m sorry. I didn’t get it. I owe you an apology. A huge one.
Please accept my sincere words.
How did I “wellsplain?” I offered a platitude or simple answer for a very complex group of symptoms.
For every time I said, “get more sunshine! Laugh more. SMILE. Get exercise. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins help alleviate depression. Choose to be happy. Eat more whole foods.”
Every time I hear myself saying those things I shudder now. I’m so sorry. They seem so pat.
I didn’t get it. You were so gracious you didn’t even yell at me when I said those things. I disease-shamed you and you were still nice to me.
And yes, each of those things offer help. But one thing alone isn’t the simple answer, I understand that now. Depression is a myriad of symptoms.
The Good Men Project has AMAZING articles on depression, some really courageous people stepped forward to help others understand. I hope to acknowledge them with my apology. This. This too. And this. And oh yes this.
Positive thinking is an excellent tool, which also promotes longevity but it’s not the only tool. Choosing to be happy is great, and it alone won’t necessarily be the only action required (see others here). Getting therapeutic help (professionally I’m a fan of CBT:Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), meeting with a great doctor, increase sunshine, increase sleep, decrease junk food, and increasing serotonin-enhancing foods* (list here) all “help”.
After a car wreck injured my brain last year, I found out a thing (or 200+ things) more about brains.
One thing I learned can happen in concussed brains: there are neurochemical changes that didn’t exist prior to the injury. Neurochemical CHANGES.
(I think I’ve got this science right): The myelin sheath surrounding the axions on the dendrites are commonly sheared in concussive impact. The ones affected are the ones that produce three REALLY IMPORTANT neurotransmitters: dopamine, melatonin, and serotonin. Calmness, happiness, and sleep. All gone. I started to get it. From the inside this time.
Sure I studied neuroscience as it related to motivation, thriving, development, behavior and happiness before the accident; but from the outside. I knew with the training and all the up-to-date research we had (since we taught Suicide Prevention (QPR) at our martial arts studios through The Depression Center), someone with depression had lots of options for treatments. Right?
And for 15 years I’d been working with kids (and adults) on all ends of the spectrum of learning styles and abilities which helped me see how differently brains are abled and wired. From the outside.
But nothing prepared me for the day that I woke up and I was gone. I would have defined myself as happy for no reason. Positive. Energetic. Vibrant. I just woke up that way. I didn’t even have to think about it, I was just bubbly. Effervescent even. I was a Bright Sider. “Well look on the bright side….”
Until I wasn’t.
About a week after the hit and run car accident that totaled my SUV, I woke up confused. Out of it. Simple things didn’t seem so simple anymore, like how to use a microwave. (Which my brain has decided is not good for us anyway, by the way. Same thing as whatever is emitted from my cell phone, thank you Pong case.)
And that natural happiness I had felt all my life seemed like a distant memory. A loop in time. It was almost as if Happy lived at an old friends house. I knew I’d been there, I remembered being there but I couldn’t figure out how to get back there.
And believe me when I tell you this: no amount of sunshine or laughing or choosing happiness was going to suddenly fix my neurotransmitters. No amount of walking was going to help me suddenly find the directions to Happy. Positive thinking couldn’t suddenly un-shear my neurotransmitters and the law of attraction wouldn’t attract newly formed lobes.
I owe everyone with depression (and anxiety) a huge apology and I get it. Please forgive me for being so blasé with my answers.
I really get it from the inside out.
You have my full respect. And I’d love to know what works for you. Because this isn’t easy, by any stretch of the imagination.
Did those things I knew about help? Yes.
They helped me find Peace. I took supplements (27). I used meditation daily with Levity (meditation & brain support product) and Holosync (Brain Entrainment). Used a gratitude journal per Dr. James Rouse instructions. I followed sleep hygiene protocol, meditated, and ate serotonin/dopamine-enhancing foods; lived a low stimulus environment for a year. And after four months of hardcore insomnia I started taking Amilitriptiline.
Peace has become my new Happy. Peace has become that feeling I can hang onto, the one I can aspire to have. Happy is still a glimmer, a distant memory. I know I was happy but I can’t remember what it feels like. It’s Out There. And I still make the conscious choice toward positivity every day. I’d love to “Choose Happy”. But my brain literally has no idea WHAT that is now.
For all of you that have been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for “wellsplaining” you. Me with my positive thinking and law of attraction and sunshine and green smoothies. While I still believe in those things wholeheartedly, especially the smoothies, I know they aren’t going to “fix” everything. It takes a plan. A strategy. And I understand that now. It takes rigorous actions to hold the high watch (and sometimes I get exhausted from all that rigoring). It takes self-care strategies beyond what I ever imagined and a strategic plan just to stay in Peace.
Peace is my new Happy.
One day I hope that my brain will find her way to Happy again, or maybe I’ll make new friends along the way.
—
Photo: Getty Images
I admire so much how articulately you express this despite your traumatized brain and through the fog of depression. You may feel dark on the inside still but there sure is a light that continues to blast through you and gift the world. Thank you!
Yes, you have it right. What so many have eventually learned is that you don’t know what someone else is going through is like, until you have to deal with the same thing… and even then you only get your own perspective on how YOU feel about something similar to other people’s experiences. Everybody is different, everybody reacts differently, everybody needs to find what works for them, and it would be nice if others stopped judging people like they know what’s going on inside them. I have done many of the things here, for years, and my counselor tells me… Read more »
Thank you Robyn! I only hope that no one I ever talked with felt judged but if they did I’m definitely apologizing for THAT! I’d share what I learned, but again, it wasn’t from personal experience. Not like now. I love what your counselour said “shoot for the neutral zone”. And you’re right, good enough has been Peace for me. Maybe happy will come but for now I’m pretty satisfied with peace. Your comment remind me and validated what I’ve been feeling. Thank you again.
Dysthymia. Chronic mild depression. My Sisyphean endeavor to achieve bliss continues. They tried pre-SSRI’s (like Tofranil) on me while I was in the service (Nam days). Depression was really not a thing of note then as it is now. I’ve run the gamut with numerous medications since but keep getting off them because they all have undesirable side effects. Everyone’s chemistry differs. There’s no one-size-fits-all. Most recently, I decided to dive into my untreated depression and explore it, following its paths, looking into my dark crevices and corners. I wrote about it each day. One thing I attempted to do… Read more »
Mark,
Wow. Thank you, what an amazing description. Poignant and so descriptive. I hope that you’ll share what you’ve written because I’m betting it’s all just as equally enthralling! I can’t imagine what this journey has been like in your life. I’m honored that you’ve shared some of it. Thank you again for your support. It means a lot to me. And if you’re ever ready to put your experience into an article I can think of a great place to start.
Be well my friend,
Theresa
Wonderfully written-thank you. Your positive, optimistic spirit and empowering model always has contributed to my healing so do not minimize your part- but understanding the complexities as you do now emphasizes that we all need our own recipes for healing and living with depression. I also highly recommend as part of that recipe EMDR for those who have depression linked with trauma. EMDR is a rough ride emotionally but fro me highly beneficial that helped many things shift.
Thank you Lindsey, and thank you for commenting here. It’s all about the RECIPES. Very well said. It’s a perfect metaphor. I love EMDR! Great suggestion. I always think of it for anxiety. I didn’t mention as part of this article (it will be in one coming up where I talk about panic/PTSD) but EMDR has helped me through this as well. I haven’t used the light or sound stimulation (my brain misinterprets signals) but I’m using a type of it. I learned it several years ago, and it helped with an awful divorce that brought up old trauma. When… Read more »
Thank you Theresa for sharing your message. What a gift you are and this post is. I will be sharing and referencing your eloquent words with friends and family for years to come. We so need more conversation about how depression works on all the areas os our lives and I’m so grateful to you for continuing this important conversation. Love you beautiful. xxoo
Rick!
Wow, I’m honored first by your words and second by your commitment to get the light shining on all the things that can go into depression. I had no idea everything that could go into it.
You have my full respect and love,
Theresa
Theresa, Thank you. Thank you for your understanding, for your strength in admitting you were wrong, even though that ‘wrongness’ came from a place of truly good intentions. This was a really touching article, and one I found obscurely hopeful as well, because your story is ‘proof’ that it can happen to anyone. I’m sorry, that sounds so….harsh, so utilitarian. I am coming from a place of first wanting to die at age 13, genuinely wanting to just Not Be. And for a lot of that time, I was made to believe I was simply lazy, that I was an… Read more »
Julia this was such a terrific thing to read! Congratulations not just on what you’ve accomplished and done, but who you’ve become! Have you considered writing on-line? What you wrote would make a great article.
You really summed it up when you said what “worked” stops working and the journey is figuring out what works next. I’ll keep on my journey, and I’ll remember your words.
By the way, I believe everything happens for a reason so maybe this happened so I could fully understand the journey so many others have taken.
Peace to you!
Thank you, again, so much for this Theresa. It’s a beautiful reminder to stop minimizing things that other people (or ourselves, for that matter) are going through. I also really connected with the section on how you helped your concussed brain. I had an intense horse accident over a year ago that left me with bleeding brain and a concussion. I did many of the things you mentioned, with great results. Over the last six months, I have gradually become a brain-care slacker, and I can tell. I can feel my brain mis-firing sometimes, like a car that can’t start.… Read more »
Crissi, The PLAN!! I can’t thank you enough for touching on yet another point: The Plan! We must stay on the plan! I’m sorry to hear you suffered an injury to your brain as well, (and a nasty one at that), it’s something I wouldn’t wish on another living soul. But the reminder that self-care MUST be the first priority can’t be understated! It was one of my biggest lessons too. Self care was no longer just an option. When our brains aren’t being taken care of, other symptoms worsen. For me as well. My accident was July 2014. What… Read more »
“Until I wasn’t.”
thank you.
Thank YOU Jennifer. You really really get it. Thanks for reading and taking time to comment.
Peace.
Theresa
Thank you for writing this. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 16 years old. I was told by multiple people that I needed more sunshine, a better diet, more exercise and so on. Like you said, while those things are true, they’re not necessarily the answer. It is ok that you believed all of those things. It is ok that you gave that advice. Honestly, I would rather hear that advice because then I know know that the person advising has never had to fight this battle. I am sorry about your accident and I am sorry for… Read more »
Oh Adrienne! Wow. Sixteen. I can’t even begin to imagine how that felt as a teen, and I am really honored by your gracious comment. I never meant to belittle anyone with my suggestions so people were very nice. Much like you. But now I understand so much more.
I’d never wish what I’ve gone through on anyone either, and it’s really nice to read your thoughts.
Thank you so much. I wish you well (and Peace) in your own journey.
Theresa, I applaud your vulnerability in this article. It’s not easy to say, “I was wrong.” But it means so much when you realize that you may have said or done something that was hurtful to others. As the daughter of a depressed father, I am sensitive to the way depression is spoken about. I have ‘sensitized’ those who are lucky enough to have not been touched by chemical depression. This type of depression doesn’t respond to positive thinking, serotonin rich foods, or gratitude journals. It’s elusive, insidious, and it sucks. It sometimes responds to meds and sometimes doesn’t. It… Read more »
Oh Sandy! Thank you for opening me up to yet another understanding. I didn’t know there was a type of depression that changed what worked on it but it makes sense. I can’t even imagine what that must’ve been like, the “sometimes” it works would be confusing. Myriad of symptoms.
I’m glad you “sensitized” people because you certainly helped me.
I’m with you Sandy. I’m personally blown away by this post. What a beautiful gift this is. love. peace. xxoo