Who should pay on a date is a hot topic with strong feelings on both sides.
Reciprocity is important in a relationship. And reciprocity can take many forms. This includes egalitarianism and traditional gender roles. “Pay for my dinner” and “Make me a sandwich” are similar sentiments.
What kind of relationship you want matters. My girlfriend and I choose to split things. But we don’t keep score. Usually that means paying half. Sometimes she’ll treat me. Other times I’ll treat her. I usually cook dinner because I like to. She does the dishes. But sometimes she cooks and I clean up.
It’s popular to say that whoever did the asking should do the paying. This would make sense if men and women asked each other out in equal numbers. While this is true for lesbian and gay relationships, gender norms require heterosexual men to ask women for dates – he won’t get a date unless he does. Heterosexual women, however, typically don’t have to ask for dates. So women ask men out far less often than men ask women.
Traditionally a man must pay for dinner, and later spend two months salary on an engagement ring, to prove he is financially worthy of her. A woman must cook and clean for him to prove she can make a home. But that’s just one option of many. There are four basic set ups:
Traditionalism (he pays for dinner and she makes him a sandwich)
Egalitarianism (they share the check and the sandwich making)
Male-centric selective equality (they split the check and she makes him a sandwich)
The complete failure of the 2008 convention made me think for the first time about my place in the political universe.
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Female-centric selective equality (he pays for dinner and they share the sandwich making)
Not everyone is honest about what kind of relationship they want, though, especially when they want a mixture of equality and traditionalism. That’s important to keep in mind when making relationship choices.
There’s no right or wrong answer to who should pay on a date. It’s all about individual choices.
And it’s not about disparaging someone because he doesn’t want to pay for her dinner, or because she does want him to pay for hers. Everyone has a right to their preferences, but no one is entitled to have anyone fulfill these preferences. The key is being upfront about what you want while being prepared for the possibility that the other person might disagree.
But don’t argue if the other person disagrees. You might decide not to pursue a relationship with this person and chalk it up to incompatibility. Or you might decide to compromise.
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I always pay for dinner without any discussion. It is just the easiest assumption to make. I do not argue if a date insists on splitting the bill, however. Most women seem to be of the female-centric selective equality type. I pay for dinner, she buys us ice cream, I host dinner, she brings a bottle of wine, dessert, or most of the time… nothing. The last two women I had short term relationships with (four months and five months respectively) rarely ever reciprocated or showed any signs of appreciation. But then I believe in small gestures… a stop at… Read more »
If the first date is a blind date, before we order, I let the other person know I plan on splitting the check. If it’s a first date where we know each other, who ever asked pays. Since I am female, for the most part, that has meant the guy pays. Which means on the second date, I pay. It isn’t about keeping score. It’s about both people being equal and taking responsibility for paying and planning dates. A good relationship requires reciprocation. Both people need to be participants in the growing of the relationship, both need to be comfortable… Read more »
You’ve touched on an idea that I’ve been mulling around, Winter, something that transcends the current dating format that brings us past, “the man pays” to something more reasonable and realistic.
And good article, Dave. It is something that needs to be discussed not only as a dating format, but how it lays tends to lay out the format for the relationship.