One of the aspects of my job that I love – probably more than anything else – is when I know I have helped someone to be their very best. When someone comes to see me because they want to resolve a personal conflict or to find a path forward for a more authentic life, I will often encourage them to envision what life will look like on the other side…when they have done the work and can see a different way of being. This is often challenging.
Such is the case that happened the other day. As a sex therapist, I often help many people come to terms with living fully within their sexual identity. Sitting across from me, I had an intelligent, balanced person who was struggling with sexual identity. This person was able to articulate for me the love and acceptance he hoped he could expect.
However, during our discussion, I was presented with a deep resistance to the concept of “coming out”. My client clearly articulated “Why does it always have to be so dramatic? So in your face? I hate the phrase ‘coming out’!” What he was expressing was his anguish of just wanting to be loved without critique.
He was rallying against the social pressure, judgment, and fear of retaliation that he might face. Many people can’t see what the other side looks like…they can only see the mire they are in presently. For some people, due to their unique life circumstances, such a significant change is about so much more than just telling people about their authentic self. There can be real risks of danger that need to be attended to. It is important to parse out where the risk is real or imagined due to fear of rejection.
This was a deep insight for me. It was a reaction that I have heard before but for some reason this person was able to communicate to me in a different way regarding the stress of coming out. Instantly I got it. In a world where coming out poses great risk to so many, perhaps the process could use some new perspective.
The issue is not to come out at all, but to invite in. Choosing trusted and safe people to begin the process of letting others know the authentic you creates a foundation of security and support. My response was “OK. Don’t come out. Invite them in. Invite them in to be part of your life.” The real issue is that when integral people cannot know you in a holistic fashion, they cannot support you, understand how you see the world, how to welcome your loved one into the social circle, etc. This concept changed to conversation dynamically.
I was asked, so what does it mean to invite in? Inviting in means that there are people of value to you that you want to bring closer. You communicate their value and let them know that you want them to know the more authentic and real you. You tell them that you trust them to be kind and supportive. You share that you want to be vulnerable with them and see if they want to be closer to you.
If they are agreeable, you invite them into your inner self. You give them a little bit and allow them to ask for more so you do not overwhelm them all at once. If you choose wisely the people you invite in may hold this experience as a special place of honor. There should be an awareness that they are special as you do not invite everyone in.
It is understood that you can never truly predict anyone’s reactions or emotions. The stepping in may not be immediate and may also take some time as the people you invite in take time to consume new information and concepts. And, not everyone you invite in will want to step in with you. That is okay. The process helps you to begin understanding who your core supporters are. You may not get everyone on your side, but getting some core people should begin to give you enough positivity to take the very next step…and this journey is constructed by a myriad of steps…one at a time.
So, if you are struggling with the concept of coming out, let’s think about this differently. Coming out certainly can feel like you are exposing yourself in a frightening way. Instead of coming out and exposing yourself in a broad way, invite people into your real life….one person at a time until you feel like you are comfortable, living with support and love.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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