—
How many of us men have met a woman and once she gets “comfortable with you, she wants to critique and change your clothing” Change your look. That jacket (which you probably love) is no longer “right” for you. The sweatpants you are so comfortable in all of a sudden…suck. And your jeans? They should be designer jeans. Personally, just give me Levi’s or Wranglers. Since my Calvin Klein days, I have no desire to have a designer on my bum.
When you have been in enough relationships or marriages, you begin to realize that these things she wants to “change” about you are the very things that you thought may have attracted her to you—well, not the stinky sweatpants. But seriously, those minor changes…no worries, you needed a new jacket anyway.
What if she wants to change, well you? The core of who you are? Things in your personality (some of which you hold dear, or have provided some sort of protection for your psyche) then do you allow that change, if possible to take place?
It depends on the kind of man you are. Are you open to being a better man for yourself and are the improvements beneficial for you in health or well being? Or do you feel as if she is making you over into an image that just isn’t something you wish to attain?
When you do truly love someone, you love them for who they are. Not who you wish them to be. Depending upon your hopes for the relationship, if she is making suggestions that may be real clues to something she see’s in you that requires improvement, then maybe, it could be wise to see if you can attain them. Not all change is bad. In fact, it’s generally good to embrace the change and not give in to the sometimes stagnant nature of our habits. It’s not always easy for men to change (even when the change is important to health or well being) as many of us are creatures of habit.
Personally, in the last year, I have changed a lot. Some of the change was instituted throughout some of the interpersonal relationships that I had, and upon some of the other things that tread through your life: the death of a parent, the death of someone you once loved, business fluctuations (successes and failures), illness in the family and the realization that some of the things you once enjoyed as a rambunctious NYC dweller—the bars, the rich foods, the parties—all require that at a half-century, you need to chill, especially if you want to see the next quarter-century. So, the changes I have adopted have been at the urging of someone whose opinion at that time mattered and it was a catalyst for other changes I implemented myself.
◊♦◊
In my previous life, I tried to change someone whose life depended upon her changing. Even the doctor told her if she didn’t change, she would die. My ex-wife was a functional alcoholic who suffered from anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. As a dark-skinned African-American woman, she felt the sting of racism and lack of acceptance as a Black woman far more than she could emotionally bear and self-medicated through the pain. The pain metastasized into our marriage and, needless to say, she died from renal failure. The great loss? She had an exceptional talent: in my opinion, she was one of the best chefs professionally trained in NY and worked in some of the city’s finest dining establishments. Her talent was unparalleled.
I believed that I could “love” her back to health, but…she didn’t love herself enough to want to meet life half-way. She lost her battle, with so much life and promise ahead of her. With addictive personalities . . . Chang,e however necessary, can be difficult if not next to impossible if the person doesn’t embrace their need to change or admit that change is necessary. I could not change her and, as a result, I could not save her and she lost her battle with life.
◊♦◊
Is it possible to fix the one you love? The question I ask is, “Why would you want to?” Life dictates that we need to meet people where they are on their journey. Not where we would want them to be but where they are at this very moment in time, which includes their mindset, their own desires for themselves, and their ability to adopt changes that they feel are purposeful and enhancing their own lives. The best change in individuals comes about through example and invitation. None of us is perfect and sometimes, in our desire to change others, we want them to adopt ways and attitudes that we don’t necessarily see that we also have to work on ourselves.
For example, a mate could have gained some weight in a relationship. How do you approach that issue? You start by making exercise and healthy activity as a part of your own routine. You offer to implement parts of your routine into the other person’s life in a thoughtful manner. You do not badger, threaten, embarrass, or attempt to cajole the other person into the need for weight loss. Simply put you just lead by example and you invite the other individual to join you.
Sensitive topics require tact and if you are empathic enough and the individual is someone you care for deeply you can find the right words to gently voice your concerns about health, the longevity that you would like to have in the relationship with that person, your desire for a healthier sex life perhaps and enter into an honest discussion as to why you would like to work out together and make it a part of the goals you seek to achieve together.
It is possible to fix someone in the context of working together to improve upon what is already good about the both of you. Doing so takes some honesty and soul-searching to talk to someone you love about the things that they need to do to better their own life. But the one who desires to change the other should also look deeply at themselves or prepare themselves to ask the other person what they may see in their personality or lifestyle that could require some improvement, some extra care, or some attention in order to alleviate a possible area of strain within a relationship sometime down the road. A discussion such as this requires compassion, honesty, tact, care, and respect. How you say things are as important as what you have to say or your message could be irrevocably lost. In some instances, we can come across as arrogant a know-it-all or perfectionist because we desire something from someone that we aren’t willing to give ourselves.
This is especially true in regards to issues that pertain to health and well-being. Sometimes the issue—such as weight gain, habits such as smoking, or other addictive parts of an individual’s personality—can be traced back to events of the past that have deeply affected them. Those events may invite certain behaviors that may be detrimental to maintaining a long-term relationship with another individual.
If you truly believe that you can be compassionate, loving, and supportive in your delivery you may be able to convince an individual to change or in the alternative, help them work through the issues that may be of concern to them even with a professional if you both agree that type of help is required. In some instances first having a discussion about yourself and what requires additional work with you that you may have noticed in yourself could be helpful in assisting another and implementing change in their life. But that sort of self-sacrificing care requires a level of honesty and trust that some people are not willing to exhibit in order to “save” another for lack of a better term.
If there is something truly bothering you about a mate or something in your heart that you feel they should change in order to be a better person then it’s important that you start the dialogue in a loving manner. You may even have to repeat yourself a few times or have the same discussion a few different ways in order to drive the point home. The real barometer as to what you decide to do depends on how much you really care for the person. it seems that when you truly love a person you sometimes develop the capacity to understand and withstand some of the personality quirks or issues that may have come to light throughout the term of the relationship. The only question you have to really ask yourself is, is this battle worth it? What are you trying to achieve by trying to change this person? and in the action of changing this person would you would be willing to make the required changes yourself in order to make yourself a better person?
In having a desire to fix someone you first have to determine if they are broken or if they feel they need fixing and for some of us that’s a conversation that we are unable to have because we may be too blunt on what could be a sensitive subject with someone that we care for. The problem ideally could be within your own head and your desire to fix someone could be based on a certain level of arrogance that may reside within you or over a perception that you have of an individual that tells you they need to be fixed, neither of which I believe is very healthy in developing a relationship with someone whom you desire to care about.
If the desire to change another is that deeply ingrained in you, then are you being realistic about the person that you love? Before you desire to change someone else look deeply in the mirror at yourself. Be honest with yourself to see where you can improve first or be honest enough to ask the person that you desire to fix what they have noticed about you that could be potentially problematic. A certain amount of humility, honesty, and the desire for an authentic relationship with another human being should be the driver for your desire to fix someone and in the process fix yourself.
********************
If you liked this essay,
subscribe to Franklin Madison, Author, In Memoriam
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please support our mission and join us as a Premium Member.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
********************
Photo credit: Shutterstock