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What is toxic masculinity? I read about it in the latest issue of “Cosmopolitan” at my dentist’s office. I’ve read about it on countless blog posts on the Internet.
Much of the toxic masculinity is associated with the repugnant behavior of men in the #Metoo reckoning. To be completely transparent: The men, who abuse and assault women from their status of power or not, are entitled, arrogant assholes. Bottom line: Don’t be a dick. Really, don’t.
I come from the honor culture of martial arts. I’ve trained in Aikido for nearly 30 years. I’m a 4th-degree black belt and Sensei. I’ve had the privilege of being taught by great Senseis in Dan and Bobby. O-Sensei said, “The Way of the Warrior is to give life to all things…” I train to use my powers for good, not evil. In O-Sensei’s teaching, the strong must always protect the weaker. That’s my fucking job as a human being. That’s your job as well, whether you train in martial arts or not.
I’m not great in Aikido. I’m good enough. I can hold my own—I have a chance in physical conflict. Some dude can challenge my “masculinity”, my manhood. He might win. I really don’t care. If it’s on, I will enter the attack and die with honor. Hopefully, he is willing to do the same or not. I’m guessing, for the most part, he’s not, because he’s only about winning.
Toxic masculinity has nothing to do with being a man. Toxic masculinity is all about winning, dominating, being a bully. Toxic masculinity is void of honor, respect, and compassion. It’s not what it is to be a decent human being. So what is it to be a man? What makes a good man?
When I was in 8th grade I was the short fat nerdy kid who wasn’t good at sports and not at all popular with girls. Granted, my not risking in asking girls out in high school had more to do with sentencing myself as not good enough. I wasn’t stereotypically ‘masculine’ being short, fat, and bookish. Not exactly a winning combination. Though on the upside, I learned humility.
I continue discovering my masculinity in the dating world, my experience on Match dot com. In my profile, I describe my passions like teaching Aikido: helping others discover becoming greater than they know themselves to be. I describe my love of movies and writing. Clearly, handsome is not my strong suit. I believe what I have to say from inside of me defines me. I’m good with that.
I’ve met some amazing women on Match dot com. I get that many women check my profile, and dismiss responding to my messages. Yet, I still have hope, not like an attachment. I see the possibility of falling in love. I think that’s part of being a man, too.
Way back when I was about 10 years old, I was playing softball with my Dad in the back yard. I did something. I don’t exactly remember, and my parents ended up fighting. My Dad yelled at me, “You’re just like her!” WTF? In context, that was not high props coming from Dad.
Previously, I anguished over my parents fighting. My Mom would comfort me that I was fortunate, “Jon, you’re sensitive.”
So was “being a man” supposed to be like the man who terrified me by yelling at me? Maybe not. Yet, becoming not something, or not being like someone has little direction. “What is it to be a man?”
Fortunately, Sensei Dan became my father on my Aikido and life’s journey. Sensei saw and listened for the greater me within that I had yet to accept. I had nothing to prove to Sensei or myself: “Just train.” Just do my best. Aikido training exposed my strengths and imperfections.
I learned from Cheryl that there is beauty in accepting my imperfections – wabi-sabi. I also got from Cheryl that I needed to be kind to others, and to be especially kinder to myself. That’s what it is to be a man.
My “spiritual twin” actor martial artist Dolph Lundgren and I share the similar experience of the abusive childhood where we’d freeze and ball up our anger deep inside. Unfortunately, that anger will have to release sometime. That does no good for anyone.
Outwardly, we couldn’t be more dissimilar. Dolph is the handsome, 6’ 5”, movie star, and man’s man. Although, we both worked to heal ourselves from our respective childhood trauma. Dolph is a 4th black belt in Kokyushin Karate. We both go to therapy to resolve childhood fears. We meditate.
We believe in the power of compassion and forgiveness. Dolph said, “You have to love yourself.” Amen, my tall blonde Brother. That’s being a man. That’s being human.
More than relabeling masculinity, look within yourself and ask, “Who do I become that honors me?” Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true.” I believe my masculinity is being true to me. I choose who I am.
Instead of discussing toxic masculinity, choose to become the “greater than” version of yourself. Heal thine own self. Love thine own self. Listen and see others and yourself as greater than you know yourself to be. Above all be kind and have compassion for others and yourself.
There are a lot of “dickheads” pretending to men. Be greater than that. Become your greater than self, who honors you and everyone else.
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Photo credit: Pixabay
Lisa – I love the mushrooms.