James Michael Sama admits that if he’d only been looking for the physical, he wouldn’t have found real, lasting love.
In an age of photoshop, social media, and impossibly beautiful models, we have found ourselves living in a society that seems to value sex over substance.
When relationships that work out in the long term are actually seen as a surprise, and serial monogamists or people who are adamant about staying single because they think a relationship will “hold them back” are the norm, it’s clear that there are some questionable societal trends at hand.
While men are wondering if there are any “good women” left in the world, there are millions of good women who are wondering why they aren’t being recognized by these same men. Men can relate to this if we put it in the terms of being in the “friend zone.”
It leads us to ask, are men really looking for a woman to wake up to, or just one to sleep with?
I don’t usually write about myself, but a personal experience may be able to shed some light on this subject. In November of 2012, I met a young woman who would become the first girlfriend I committed myself to in a very long time. She is beautiful, well-traveled and educated, intellectually challenging, funny, witty…the whole package.
In July of 2013, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Needless to say, everything in our relationship changed. Chemotherapy is akin to bombing an entire city in order to wipe out one single building. It wreaks havoc on your body, and two intimately active twenty-somethings quickly transformed into a couple who more accurately resembled “just friends.” (Side note: She is healthy now, thanks to fantastic doctors).
The point is, never once during this journey did it even cross my mind to end the relationship, or not be there for her. My love for her comes from the person she is, not the nights that we spend together. Had I valued a physical act more than the emotional connection with and totality of an amazing woman, I would have walked away.
Some men are just not ready for, or looking for, a relationship with depth. For a long time, I wasn’t either. But I do believe that as a whole, we secretly wonder (hope) if each person that we meet could turn into a happy relationship. Strictly physical intimacy is a great short term solution to a loneliness or a primal urge, but it is not fulfilling over time.
Eventually, the act itself will get old. Waking up alone will get old. Not having someone to share your life experiences with, will get old. Some people say that no man will enter into a monogamous relationship if he is still able to go out and court multiple women. I think this is nonsense because a fleeting physical act cannot replace a deep emotional connection.
Plus – a true connection with someone will actually increase your intimacy, making the experience more enjoyable as a whole, over time. Building a healthy relationship brings happiness in multiple areas of life, whereas being a player will be fun for awhile, but will eventually be found seriously lacking.
Is this to say that men don’t want sex? Obviously not. But is that the only thing that they want? No.
Of course, a multi-faceted relationship with depth needs to be built between two multi-faceted people.
So to the women of the world who are working to improve their minds as much as they’re improving their bodies, to the women who pride themselves on their ambition and success, to the women who have more to offer than just a pretty face – don’t give up hope.
Stay strong, stay positive, and most of all, stay true to yourself. There will be someone that comes along who appreciates you for you.
“They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, but you also don’t know what you’ve been missing until it arrives.”
Originally appeared at JamesSama.com
Photo: scatto_felino / flickr