When you’re freshly in love, relationship red flags can be notoriously easy to miss or ignore.
Sometimes, you end up actively choosing to ignore them because you’re so attracted or in love with the other individual.
On rare occasions, certain red flags can be worked through communication depending on what they are and how you genuinely feel about them, but there are many that should be considered deal-breakers.
So with that being said, here are a few universal toxic behaviors in modern dating that should set off alarm bells.
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Small acts of disrespect towards you, others, and strangers.
I was listening to a podcast of a woman (we’ll call her Alice) who was in a fresh relationship with a guy she met at her local church. She was excited because she felt like him being a churchgoer meant he must be a really great guy, and overall their phone conversations had been extremely positive.
Their first date was at an outdoor concert, and as they were making their way to the park, a group of young teens knocked over a chain fence post in an older couple’s way.
While it wasn’t his responsibility to help the older couple, multiple strangers ran over to help clear the area and help the older woman who got hurt; meanwhile, Alice’s date scoffed and said, “quick, let’s hurry before they drag us into helping them.”
The rest of the date went by in the same fashion. He was quick to cut her off throughout their conversations, he didn’t ask any questions about her and he only talked about himself.
On top of that, with every musician that went on that evening, he’d laugh and tell her how terrible they were and how they should pick a different career (despite the majority of them all being quite good actually).
Alice thought he was having a bad day, so she decided to give him another chance.
Their second date was at a wine bar, and unfortunately, it went the same way as the first. He was rude to their server the entire night, picked up a phone call, and had a full-on conversation in front of Alice with a friend, and while he did pay for the bill, Alice noticed he left a few cents for a tip.
. . .
Guys who are assholes and make you feel like crap about yourself.
There’s absolutely zero reason for you to ever get involved with someone who acts like a jerk and insults you or makes you feel like crap about yourself.
And yet, a lot of women out there are attracted to assholes. They like the chase; on top of that, as women, wired to believe we can make a bad guy go good, so that makes them even more appealing.
If you ever find yourself in a position where you’re dating someone who insults your thoughts, opinions, or how you look — drop them.
When I first started dating, I didn’t really understand what could and couldn’t be said in a relationship, which is why I dated a guy who insulted my weight on a very consistent basis.
He was my first “serious” boyfriend, and despite that happening nearly ten years ago, I still hear his words in the back of my mind sometimes when I look in the mirror. It’s honestly a long healing process, and it’s better to just avoid guys like that.
As women, it’s already hard enough to go through the day without being hard on ourselves. We don’t need someone else to pick and poke at us.
. . .
Someone who tries to actively change the way you think.
There’s a huge difference between someone educating you and informing you of various topics vs. someone who actively tries to change your mind on those things.
For example, if you’re religious, and your partner constantly tries to change your beliefs or the way you think — this is wrong.
I’m passionate about this topic because when I was younger, I dated someone who did share a different religious belief than me, and he constantly tried to change my beliefs. Our coffee dates would often end up in fights because he would pull out his Quran and start reading to me.
I grew up in a Christian household, and I’ve always believed that everyone has a right to do and think whatever they want; it’s okay to have a difference in opinion on serious topics, but it’s not okay to try and sway the other individual into your way of thinking. It’s okay to talk about it, but it’s not okay to belittle someone else’s beliefs or mindset.
I heard another great example in another podcast that didn’t have anything to do with religion, actually, and it was purely lifestyle stuff — her boyfriend actively tried to change her way of thinking on everything.
She liked chick-flicks, and he hated them and tried to convince her it wasn’t okay to watch them; they could only watch documentaries because that’s what he liked.
She liked Italian food, and he said Italian food was the worst thing you could consume, and he would try to convince her to eat something else.
You are your own individual; you’re supposed to have your own taste, preferences, desires, etc. — if you find commonalities within those things with your partner — fantastic! But, if you both have different opinions, that’s 100% okay.
What’s not okay is if they actively try to change your opinion and turn you into someone you’re not.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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