“What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.”
Confucius
I sometimes think that spending too much time on social media is like eating a large fast food meal. It’s tasty and comforting going down, but later, when the burger and fries and onion rings and soda settle, I feel awful. Now I’ve long known the negative physical and psychological reactions resulting from such a diet, but why does social media also, and often, leave a “bad taste” in my mouth? I propose as an answer that the reason lies in motivation – why I, and many others, log on in the first place: to get attention.
Before I castigate the desire to be noticed, let me attest that this is not only normal, but essential. According to Elisabet Kvarnstrom, in an article posted on the Bridges to Recovery website, “Humans are naturally wired for attention. From our earliest childhood experiences to our ongoing well-being, we depend on the attention of others to fulfill both practical and emotional needs central to our survival and our psychological health.”
But surely, the need for attention dissipates as we mature and become adults. Actually, no. Kvarnstrom continues:
“The craving we have to be recognized, heard, and understood is so deeply embedded within our psyches that the absence of these experiences can have devastating consequences. While the damaging effects of being ignored by caretakers as children are now widely recognized and correctly identified as a form of neglect, research indicates that a lack of adequate attention in our daily adult lives can also have a destructive impact on our emotional wellness…and cause us to seek out attention from those around us to ensure that our primal needs are being met.”
Perhaps the problem is not wanting attention, but the means we go about to get it. Thus, I circle back to social media. For certainly, the place most people go these days to get noticed, to gain attention, is on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and other sharing platforms. But given the fantastic number of users on these sites, the competition for this psychological fix is fierce. And while the “Meek Might Might Inherit the Earth,” it’s clearly the opposite on the Internet.
Here’s what Jason Kurtz, a leading psychoanalyst in New York City, award winning playwright, and author of the memoir “Follow The Joy” says on this point:
“On social media, the way you know you have been noticed is by getting friends/followers and likes. How do you get that? There are, of course, people engaged in social media who get noticed by encouraging people to be kind and good and by dispensing wisdom or sharing inspirational stories. But this is the minority. The majority is another behavior that is rewarded by social media – joining one side of a pitched battle of good vs evil. There, on the social media battlefield, if you want to stand out in a crowd of millions of people, all desperate to be heard, you have to shout the loudest. In fact, the more extreme your position, the more likely it is to be noticed. Not only will extreme positions stand out, but the computer algorithms reward extreme posting by broadcasting things put out by extremists. The algorithm understands that if viewers get angry they will stay engaged, and this, this pitched battle, is what makes the social media companies money. In short, the environment created by social media rewards extreme, combative behavior.”
Basically, it does not pay on social media to take time before posting or reposting, to take pause to understand or better understand the complexity of an issue. Nor does it pay, even if you do have a thorough grasp of an issue, to interact on social media in a calm and judicious manner. But man, we need and love the attention. And thus many of us make a Faustian-bargain, a pact whereby a person trades something of supreme moral or spiritual importance, such as personal values or the soul, for some worldly or material benefit, such as knowledge, power, or riches. In this case, the exchange is often our dignity, our integrity, our common sense, in return for that daily dose of recognition.
I say it’s not worth it, not if the attention comes at the cost of not putting forth our best selves. Better to seek out other ways of connection, more healthy, more humane, more positive. As Jason concludes, “The only real solution is to put down the phone and re-engage in a community that rewards good behavior. People will do what the environment encourages them to do. We just have to create more environments that encourage us to be our best selves.”
—
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Talk to you soon.
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
—