Have you ever thought that perhaps there should be more to your sex life than what you are currently experiencing? You may love your partner and would never dream of cheating or looking for someone new, yet still feel like something needs to change. But how do you tell them?
Discussing sex can be difficult for all of us. But talking to your partner about what you may want to change or do differently in your sexual relationship can be especially challenging. It is a topic that is both welcomed and feared.
Pleasing your partner sexually is one of the joys of intimate life in a trusting relationship, as is being pleased yourself. Talking about new ways and methods to create that pleasure can feel as though you are criticizing your partner, like you don’t enjoy them the way they are. But it doesn’t have to. If you feel like you might want to try something new and different, consider the following suggestions to make the conversation easier.
Pick The Right Time.
The end of an intimate experience is probably not the best time to discuss what you might want to try or have them do differently. Your partner is likely to feel like you are disappointed in what just happened. Instead, try initiating the discussion as an introduction to intimacy. Beginning a conversation with something like, “I love being with you and thought it might be fun to try – fill in the blank.” Or, “do you know how much I love it when you – fill in the blank – could you add/do/try..?” The point is that by initiating the conversation at the right time it is less likely to feel like a complaint and more like an invitation.
Make It About Them – Initially.
If inviting intimacy through discussion seems uncomfortable, try choosing a neutral zone when you are both feeling relaxed and receptive. You might initiate the conversation by mentioning your love and trust, and then inquire as to what they like most about your intimate repertoire and whether there is anything they would like to add or change. Knowing that you are interested in their pleasure and willing to learn more about their desires can create a deeper connection and feeling of trust. And it is likely that upon discussing their desires they will be interested in hearing about yours too.
If you are having a hard time feeling sexually motivated, be honest. There are many reasons that a sex life can wane. Life, kids, age, and health – they all can conspire to make us feel less sexual and/or desirable. These things don’t mean you don’t love each other or desire a more active sex life, they just mean you need to approach things differently. Whether these feelings and circumstances are affecting you, your partner, or both of you – you should discuss it. An active and healthy sex life is one of the great pleasures of a committed relationship. If yours is lacking, communication is the solution. Good communication skills are important and not regularly practiced. Working together you can devise a way to overcome your stagnation.
If your partner seems distant or disinterested in sex, talk to them – and listen. Choose a comfortable time and ask gentle, but leading questions. “It seems we haven’t been intimate as often as usual – do you agree?” “I’m not sure why, do you have any ideas why?” This can be a difficult conversation, but listening without judgment can do a lot for getting you back on track.
Don’t Surprise Them With Radical Changes.
Pulling out a riding crop for the first time on a Tuesday night as you are climbing into bed will likely cause more confusion and mistrust than excitement. If you are interested in changing things up, especially if it is a substantial shift like role-playing, discuss things first. It takes both of you to feel comfortable engaged for things to go well.
Never Blame or Shame.
A lackluster sex life is not the fault of one. A really amazing sex life requires two trusting and connected partners. Blaming your partner or shaming them in any way will only drive you further apart.
Whatever the issue, don’t be afraid to discuss it. Talking about sex can be tough, but living in a constantly dissatisfied state can be tougher. If you love and trust your partner, then trust that this uncomfortable conversation can have a good outcome for you and your relationship.
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