Disabilities, especially hidden disabilities, have long been prone to their fair share of stigma, misconceptions and misunderstandings. One thing that I have noticed is that whenever someone with a disability is around able-bodied people, those able-bodied folks miraculously gain all of the knowledge, wisdom, and expertise of that disability. Suddenly, they know everything there is to know about your disability and they find the urge to bestow their wisdom upon you.
“Oh you stutter, have you tried taking a breath? That might help.”
“Oh, you have ADHD? You just need to focus.”
“Oh, you’re in a wheelchair. Try getting up.”
I myself have not been immune to this phenomenon of able-bodied strangers feeling able to single-handedly cure one’s disability.
In 2011, I ventured to Fort Worth, Texas for the National Stuttering Association conference with my mom. We stayed at the Worthington Renaissance Hotel, where we were talking about stuttering. A man must have overheard because he walked toward us. He had his own thoughts on what we were discussing and he was apparently overwhelmed with a sudden urge to voice his opinions to us. Basically, he blamed my stuttering — and stuttering in general — on bad parenting. Naturally, my mom took huge offense with that and she ripped into him. And my mom is one of the most gentle human beings I’ve ever known. I’ve never seen her so angry.
The list of people who have tried to explain, diagnose and treat my stuttering continues. During my days of working in journalism, one of the articles I was writing for a magazine was about hypnotherapy — the emerging trend of using hypnosis as a therapeutic tool. I was interviewing hypnotists who use their practice to help people manage their anxieties or fears, such as smoking habits or fear of flying.
After I interviewed one hypnotist, he said something that caught me off guard.
“You know,” he said. “I bet I can help you fix your stuttering problem.”
Notice how he conceptualized my disability as a problem. But also, his confidence in his own abilities was pretty admirable. He offered to give me a free consultation and he said that after one session with him, I wouldn’t be stuttering anymore. I didn’t really know how to respond so I told him I’d consider it but I never followed up with him.
A few years ago, I was at a job interview and I disclosed my stuttering. This was after I started to open up about my stuttering more. The employer smiled and said, “Oh, I just thought you were talking that way because you were nervous.” I was nervous, but it’s the other way around: I don’t stutter because I’m nervous, I’m nervous because I stutter.
>Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad my disability is out there in the open. Plus, the way I see it is that these able-bodied, self-appointed experts are only trying to help. But, let me ask for help when I need it. On my terms, please. Not yours.
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Previously Published on Medium
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