My soon-to-be ex is not a bad man. In fact, if you were to ask the women in our community about our pending divorce, they would likely tell you that I am completely mad for letting go of such a good man.
When you live in a small, rural farm community, there is no shortage of unmet needs in the families and households across the countryside. It seems the men often work hard and die young or the hardships of making a living off the land drive them to drink or worse.
There is plenty written about these challenges elsewhere. But in a small community with an ample supply of widows, divorcees, and single moms, a man with skills and even a small amount of integrity is considered highly valuable.
So what’s my problem?
Where the Rubber Meets the Road
He shows up for “them.” It doesn’t matter a great deal about who “they” are or what is needed. He will show up to save the day.
Need curtains hung? Or something moved?
He’s your guy!
Did you say you needed a ramp? Or a floor repair? Or painting? Or yard work?
He’s got you covered!
Need a grill? A tool? Expensive equipment?
Borrow ours. And return in whenever you want — or not. In whatever condition you wish. Please. It’s just stuff.
It’s not that he is helpful to others that is my issue. And it’s not that I mind loaning things.
It’s that he always says “yes” to everything for everyone else. Then he leaves things in our shared home undone or gives our things away never to be seen again.
He is exhausted from taking care of everything for everyone else and there is no time or energy for us.
When you live in a small community, his constant “yes” to everything means that the number of people calling on him only increases over time. It would be one thing if he did these things from a place of genuine joy and service to others. This leaves him feeling overwhelmed and like his life is completely out of control.
Helping others is something that I also enjoy, but I realize that I can only give so much. Having healthy relationships with others requires a balance in life. Taking care of strangers while neglecting even the basic needs of those you claim to love is not a recipe for success in marriage.
Consequences on the Abandoned Spouse
The real challenge of this showed up when I realized that his frantic, out-of-control pace of life was unsustainable. It was falling on me to constantly fill in the gaps to cover the things he missed by choosing to live his life in this way.
For example, he prepares a huge meal for some gathering leaving our house a complete wreck in his wake. He “does not have time” for the clean-up, so the kitchen is left a filthy mess of stacks of pots and pans, spills on the floor, and trash cans overflowing. There is no time to properly gather the items needed, so my tidy pantry gets tossed about while he grabs what he needs in a hurried panic often dropping and breaking items that are left exactly where they landed.
By this point, he is angry and panicking shouting orders and often throwing things around. This is when I would get involved to try to establish some order to get him through the chaos he created.
After the event, his need to rest is a top priority so the leftovers get stashed in the fridge and everything else gets piled in the garage for the eventual “later” that never actually comes. So the remnants of events pile and stack until the garage is a nightmare.
To try to cope with the madness, much of my time was spent cleaning up the wreckage from his helping everyone in the community. There has been a bit of everything — stacking lumber returning to our garage from a building project so I could walk through to our car to cleaning the kitchen to create counter space so I could prepare a cup of coffee or meal for our family.
The hardest part in all of it has been the constant buzz of chaos, anxiety, resentment, and overwhelm that this brings into every facet of our home.
Every season is the worst season. He rants that every week ahead will be better than the last but that never materializes.
He is unwilling to acknowledge that he has any control over his life and the use of his time. “Someone has to do it” is his favorite martyr mantra.
When Enough is Enough
For the longest time, my inner optimist believed things would improve. It seemed possible that if I could just offer enough help or support that things would get better.
Nothing could be further from what actually happened.
He continued to take on more and more things. Even when concerns were expressed about his health, my health, and our family’s health, nothing changed.
One of the big lessons learned in the last few years has been that the only thing within my control is my own choices.
If something is not what it needs to be, then there are choices that can be made to address whatever it is.
In this case, it was clear that his lack of boundaries was running all over my poor and weak boundaries. The solution for me was to set firm boundaries that kept his continual chaos from disrupting my calm.
A Small but Mighty Change
After careful consideration, there was only one boundary that was needed to address this matter in my life.
I do not clean up other people’s messes.
That is it.
You make the mess — you clean it up.
It may be a mess in the kitchen. It may be a mess caused by an overscheduling of your time and the inability to meet all the things that were promised. It may be the mess from tearing through the closet in search of something that is not there because it was never put back in place. It may be financial because something lost in the madness needs to be replaced.
It doesn’t matter. I no longer clear up after other adults — including my soon-to-be ex.
It had never occurred to me how many hours picking up after this grown man had taken away from my life. Then we can add to that total a ridiculous number of hours trying to organize his chaos. Keeping my mind on high alert trying to anticipate how I can help when he just keeps piling it on will never happen again.
There have been moments when this has been a hard boundary to hold because it leads to outcomes that were not anticipated. In the case of our home, it is a disaster zone. He willingly leaves a mess in the kitchen for days and I refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen. That impasse leaves me with a choice — continue to clean up after him or have cereal for a third night. Let’s just say there has been a LOT of cereal eaten in my house lately.
It also has caused me to address my own unhealthy choices in the decades that we have been married.
By cleaning up after him in all these ways, he has never fully felt the consequences of his choices the way they have shown up in my world.
I can’t even begin to count all the days I have taken off of work to clean the house and re-establish order in the wake of his wreckage. He has never taken a single day to help with these things. Yet, he consistently takes time off to help others with their needs.
Hindsight is 20/20
What this all really comes down to is a difference in values. He likes his role as the overwhelmed, exhausted martyr who is saving the world. He gets love and accolades from the community for his servant’s heart and willingness to always be available.
This same community believes that I have the same man in my life — someone who will drop everything and show up for anything I need at any time. That is not how I fit in his life. Never has that been my experience in this marriage.
It is clear to me that he does not value what I need and want in this relationship.
My needs are seen as over the top and frequently labeled as “extra.” It is also apparent that he does not value balance and his own health. On occasions that I have not been running at full speed because I am exhausted, his message has been that either I am being lazy or defiant. There is no space in his world to be human with human needs.
Unfortunately, living up to the standards he has for me (and himself, too) is just not possible. I am actually just a human. And as a result of this human frailty, I have needs. I need sleep. I need peace. I need time off. I need calm. I need space without demands. I also have wants like a functional home, access to the things we invest in, and the ability to the attention and efforts of my partner directed towards our home and our relationship from time to time.
Moving Forward
At this point, there is nothing left to do to try to address these concerns. We are adults and get to choose how we prioritize our time and energy.
Since I have made the choice to no longer clean up the messes that are created by his chaos, there has been an incredible sense of relief. I had no idea how much of my exhaustion and overwhelm were not mine at all.
As we continue to unwind this marriage, I continue to walk away from choices that no longer serve me and the life I want to build. My sincere hope is that my soon-to-be ex finds a healthier balance in his life. Whether he chooses that or not, my choices will continue to put me on a path toward a healthy balance in my life and relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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