A unique pattern emerges when partners grapple with emotional avoidance – a strategy characterized by sidestepping confronting feelings or conflicts directly. This avoidance, sometimes cloaked beneath a veneer of tranquility, can inadvertently create a gulf of distance between partners, both on a physical and emotional level.
Allow me to introduce Sarah and Steven, a heterosexual couple in their thirties. Sarah is a talented musician, while Steven is an analytical data scientist. The couple, now parents of a young child, embarked on a journey with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to mend their fraying relationship.
Dancing in Shadows: Unraveling the Avoid-Avoid Pattern
The heart of emotionally distant relationships centers around an avoid-avoid pattern. This pervasive dance revolves around evading confrontation and steering clear of emotional vulnerability.1 Sarah and Steven found themselves entangled in this web of distance, unknowingly stuck to this pattern. Their unspoken joint endeavor to avoid emotional risks paradoxically led to a widening chasm, leaving both yearning for closeness yet hesitant to express their vulnerabilities.2
As the therapy session commenced, an air of discomfort hung over the room, manifesting the couple’s avoidance-driven disconnection.
Therapist: Sarah, could you delve into your emotions when Steven chose not to accompany you to the event?
Sarah: (gazing at Steven) Honestly, I thought it wasn’t a big deal. We could manage separately.
Steven: I had some pressing work, so I assumed it made sense for you to go alone.
Therapist: Sarah, how does Steven’s explanation resonate with you?
Sarah: (forcing a smile) I get it, work commitments are important. It’s no big deal.
Therapist: Steven, what thoughts arise hearing Sarah’s response?
Steven: (uneasily) Well, it sounds like she’s okay with it, so everything is good.
Peeling Back the Layers of Avoidant Attachment
The crux of the avoid-avoid dance lies in the attachment strategies each partner has woven into their psyche. Attachment theory postulates that these strategies are sculpted in response to early-life experiences, molding how individuals approach and maintain relationships. In Sarah and Steven’s case, their avoidance is an instinctual attempt to protect both their partner and the relationship, albeit through distancing tactics.
Sarah’s Shield of Avoidance
Sarah’s attachment strategy draws roots from her emotional upbringing. Witnessing her parents’ persistent disconnect, she internalized a deep-seated dread of conflict. This childhood experience solidified her belief that discord could lead to irreversible emotional detachment.
As an adult, Sarah adopted emotional restraint as a defense mechanism to preserve harmony. Her intention was to create a haven, where her emotional suppression would shield her partner from discomfort. Her avoidance emerged as an unsung gesture to safeguard their relationship, even at the cost of her own emotional fulfillment.
Steven’s Dance of Distraction
Steven’s attachment adaptation is a reflection of his past experiences. His attachment strategy was woven by his upbringing, manifesting as a strategy for emotional evasion. Growing up, Steven’s family emphasized emotional suppression, crafting an environment where genuine feelings were quickly buried for the semblance of calm. This atmosphere conveyed the notion that revealing genuine emotions might disrupt equilibrium.
In his relationship with Sarah, Steven’s attachment strategy took form. Expressing emotions often resulted in Sarah’s withdrawal, reinforcing Steven’s fear that expressing himself emotionally could rupture their delicate connection. His instinctual response was to mask his emotions, prioritizing harmony over vulnerability to safeguard their bond. Over time, Steven began associating emotional openness with disconnection and rejection.
To preserve their fragile union, Steven sought solace in distraction. His immersion in his work and external pursuits provided a refuge from the pain the emotional distance caused. This preoccupation served a dual purpose – shielding Steven from discomfort and protecting Sarah from perceived hurt. Steven’s busyness was an understated way of contributing to their relationship, driven by the fear that emotional expressions might exacerbate their emotional divide.
Reframing Avoidance as Protection
Through the lens of attachment theory, Sarah’s and Steven’s actions emerge as unconscious strategies to shield their relationship. The avoid-avoid dance, though disconnecting, stems from a place of love. Their attachment strategies, though distancing, are their best efforts to shield their partner and the relationship from pain and disconnection
Understanding this insight reframes their avoidant behaviors. Sarah and Steven can now perceive these strategies as mechanisms of preservation rather than personal shortcomings. Empowered by this newfound perspective, they embark on a journey guided by Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, eager to dismantle their avoidance dance and cultivate authentic closeness.
Embracing Vulnerability: Bridging the Divide
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy becomes a haven where Sarah and Steven can untangle their avoidance patterns and take the emotional leaps required to rediscover intimacy. The therapist’s guidance empowers them to recognize the counterproductive nature of their avoidance strategies and encourages them to embrace vulnerability in order to reignite their connection.
Therapist: Sarah, could you communicate your true emotions regarding Steven’s decision to attend the event alone?
Sarah: (pausing) Honestly, it stung, Steven. I had envisioned us being there together, and when you chose work over us, I sensed a growing gap between us.
Therapist: Steven, what feelings surface as you hear this?
Steven: (softly) I hadn’t grasped that it would affect you this way, Sarah. I thought prioritizing work was the right move, but I now see how it impacted you. That’s not the outcome I desire for us.
Steven: (sincerely) Sarah, I want you to understand that my intention was never to make you feel secondary to my work. I believed managing things on my own would shield us from potential stress. I recognize now that my approach has been pushing us apart.
Sarah: (softly) Steven, I recognize that you were striving to shield us, much like how I’ve been stuffing my feelings to prevent disconnection. I feel closer to you as we talk in this way. Thank you.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeTherapist: (affirming) Sarah and Steven, your vulnerability underscores the depth of care and commitment you both share. Your instinct to protect the relationship is evident, despite how disconnecting it is. Acknowledging this avoid-avoid patterns that maintain disconnection and nurturing open dialogue forms the bedrock of rebuilding your connection, ensuring both of you feel the depth of love and care that is here.
Breaking the Cycle: Fortifying Bonds
Escaping the avoid-avoid dance requires confronting avoidance strategies head-on and taking emotional risks. Here are actionable steps to nurture connection:
- Acknowledge Patterns: Identify instances of avoidance creeping into interactions and recognize their impact. Explore internally why this feels like the best and safest move.
- Make the Cycle the Problem, Not Each Other: The problem is not the avoidant partner. The problem is our attachment strategies based on insecurity, influence us to behave in ways that reinforce the insecurity. Partnering up against disconnection by making it the problem. This alliance makes it easier to share fears and create emotional safety for vulnerability as each partner takes emotional risk.
- Share Fears Openly: Communicate attachment fears and past experiences contributing to avoidance.
- Active Listening: Attune to your partner’s words and emotions, demonstrating genuine interest.
- Validate Each Other: Acknowledge your partner’s emotions and experiences, regardless of alignment.
- Seek Professional Support: Embrace couples therapy to navigate these patterns together.
- Practice Patience: Transformation requires time; extend patience to yourselves and each other. When trying new strategies to connect, it’s easy to believe that success only occurs when our partner responds the way we want them to, but they are not always going to do that. Nor will we for them. The goal is to make space for trying new ways of being with each other emotionally and work together to tweak how we show up so it is healthy for all partners.
- Celebrate Progress: Each step towards vulnerability merits celebration, irrespective of size.
The path to dismantling the avoid-avoid dance isn’t without challenges, yet the reward of a profound, more intimate relationship justifies the effort. By embracing vulnerability, couples like Sarah and Steven rewrite their avoidance-driven dance into a duet of intimacy, rekindling the delight of genuine emotional connection.
—
Previously Published on kylebenson.net and is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock