Get up, Get up, Get up!
The couch is going to be delivered at any minute! Yes, yes, it wasn’t supposed to come until noon but they changed their mind. Isn’t that fun when you whole schedule gets thrown off? But you are the parent extraordinaire! You are flexible! You are spontaneous! So get the kids up at 8 am on a summer day and let’s get rolling!
There are plenty of things to do! I know, you had planned on having your morning coffee first and easing into the day but where is the excitement in that? This is much better way to reach your anxiety. “Why do we have to get up?” your daughter says but you can’t answer here because the 9-year-old is sad about his turtle.
What’s wrong with your turtle? You’re turtle is right there. No, your turtle isn’t sad because other turtles in the world aren’t her friends. Yes, she will be fine. No, I don’t have time to get more turtles. No, you can’t have a hamster as well as a turtle. Get up!
We have to move the old couch.
“Why are we moving the old couch, Dad?”
“Because we got a new couch.”
“Why did we get a new couch?”
“Because you broke the old couch.”
“Can the turtle get a couch for her tank?”
Ok, everyone. Dad isn’t as young as he used to be. Lift with your legs and just skootch the old couch…and holy crap what is all that stuff under there!! Why is there a banana peel under the couch! This is why we have ants. Whatever, go get dads shopvac. Let’s go, people!
Don’t suck on the shop vac. Don’t suck up brother’s hair. Hey! Don’t put the shopvac there! Remember when we talked about bedroom privacy? This is why. Just vacuum stuff up. Why do I have to explain this? You know how to vacuum. Just vacuum while I move the rest of the couch. Ouch, my back.
Move out of the way when I am moving the couch.
“Why are you moving the couch, Dad?”
I’m going to lose it, seriously. Someone put the dog up, please. The dog is in the way and this couch is heavy. MOVE THE DOG! NOW YOU MOVE! MOVE THE DOG AND YOURSELF OUT OF MY WAY!
No, son, I don’t know why the air conditioning isn’t blowing as cold air. We are in heatwave. What’s a heatwave?
It’s when it gets hot. Pretty self-explanatory. I don’t know if it has anything to do with global warming. I don’t know if we recycle enough. Yes, we can recycle more just as soon as you get out of the way. Ok, go make a recycling station.
Man, it is hot in here. What’s the Nest say? Two hours to cool down? Yeesh, I’ve got to call the a-c repair guy. It’s 84 and climbing already. It’s so hot. The couch is heavy. The turtle is having a midlife crisis.
What’s wrong? Why is everyone yelling? There’s a wasp? Ok, go kill it. Stop screaming. You’re 16. Your brother is 14. Even the little one can help. Just kill the wasp! Ok, fine, I’ll get the wasp. You two move the cushions. The couch cushions. The couch cushions that you are currently standing one! Yes, even the one the dog is eating. Please move them.
To the other room where I put the old couch. Because we are getting a new couch. Because you broke to the old couch. Yes, I’m starting to swear. It’s my love language. Move the cushions! Sweat pit stains are the new drip. Oh, I’m not allowed to use your words? I can’t say drip? I’m literally dripping in this heat.
Why hasn’t anyone vacuumed yet?
Man, the delivery guys called and said they would be here in just 30 minutes. No, honey, I don’t know what we are doing today. We were supposed to go to the hardware store and get some gardening supplies. We can do that after.
Wait, where’s my car? Your sister went to get coffee? Is she going to get me coffee? A donut maybe? No? I guess I can go to the gardening store tomorrow. Oh, that’s right, I’m taking everyone to the waterpark tomorrow. We can go Thursday. Or Friday. I don’t know. Text your sister.
No, you can’t have my phone.
I’m so hot. I’m melting. Give me my phone so I can call the a-c guy. Where is the delivery guy. Why is the toilet clogged! I just sat down.
Cool, you’re sister’s home. Hope she enjoyed her quiet time. I just got a call from the delivery guy. There’s been a mix-up, the couch won’t be here until much later.
Yes, I love being your dad. Sorry, I got cranky. I love everyone very much. Yes, we can go get a couch for your turtle now, just give daddy 10 minutes to calm down a bit. I think the wasp stung me.
This is modern parenting.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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