Many years ago, I saw the movie Victor/Victoria. In fact, this is one of my favorite films, given its all-star cast, brilliant comedy, and memorable musical scenes, plus, of course, the romance.
One of the scenes that never failed to make me laugh was the scene where a down-at-luck Victoria brings a cockroach in her handbag to sneak into her salad to avoid paying for her meal. She is so sure of her scheme that she offers to treat her new friend, Toddy, to his meal as well.
The scene includes some witty banter between them and a cynical Parisian waiter, but the highlight occurs when the escaped cockroach decides to climb up a woman’s leg.
Chaos ensues. The woman pitches a screaming fit, and then another person feels the cockroach and starts screaming, and soon the whole restaurant is up in arms. The police end up being called.
This reminded me of a real-life scene which happened very differently.
When I was a child, we were renting a small apartment in Queens, New York.
At one point Mom discovered a cockroach. Instead of screaming and pitching a fit, she crushed it. Then she called the landlord and told him that he had better send an exterminator if he didn’t want to lose a tenant.
That took care of both the immediate and the long-term problem.
Do you see the difference?
In the fictional scene, the various people in the restaurant were reacting to the presence of the cockroach.
In my childhood memory, my mother responded to it.
In the first case, the patrons had a histrionic reaction. In the second, my mother responded calmly.
The only common factor was the roach.
However, it could have been anything — an annoying ex-boyfriend, a misogynistic boss, or a traffic jam. Or, more recently, for me, cancer.
We can choose to react to situations or we can choose to respond to them.
If we react — then the situation controls us. If we respond, then we remain in control.
Looking back at my own life, there have been times I have reacted to a situation. In those cases, I often regretted the results of my actions. At other times, however, I responded. In those cases, I mostly felt positive about the results of my actions.
It turns out, the situation is never the issue. Instead, it is the opportunity. It’s a chance to make a choice. Either choice, BTW, can lead to growth if we are observant. If we make a mistake — it is never the end of the world. Mistakes typically happen because we react instead of respond. However, if we are willing to learn from those mistakes, we can evolve.
Over time, we will learn to be more responsive and less reactive. And our lives will improve.
I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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