My brother reached through the computer screen and ripped out my mother’s heart. He told her that she was manipulative, that she was the one who had sown the seeds of division in our family.
He sent the same message to me, urging me to read it and to recognize the damaging impact my mother had inflicted on my life.
“But dad used to get violent,” I replied.
My brother was ready for this. He rattled off his answer in a series of disjointed paragraphs. Yes, it’s true that he shoved her once or twice, and yes, that’s unforgivable. But mom didn’t do the responsible thing. She didn’t get a restraining order, she didn’t call the police, instead she asked for help from you.
But she’s my mother, and I am her son.
I asked her about it, and her response was serene, if pained. “I couldn’t have done that,” she said. “If I’d notified the authorities, it could have sabotaged his ability to find work. If he couldn’t find work then it would have hurt you kids.”
You can’t win.
When you’re digging up the past, you can’t win.
We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve made mistakes that we’ll take to our graves. We burn with regret every waking day. Our mistakes make us treat the people we know and love with greater care.
We get better.
We improve.
But only if we own our mistakes.
Only if we don’t blame others for everything.
My mother came to visit and I took her out on the lake. It’s serene out on the water. The sun sets on a summer night turning the sky into a work of art.
We didn’t talk. We just floated.
You’ve got to keep floating.
Keep on!
Keep on through the misery and pain and trust that there are better days ahead.
Every half decade or so, somebody stirs up the waters. Just when things are starting to settle, just when people are finding their way, just when we’re learning how to be happy again, it’s time to revisit the past.
“Oh, I’ve figured it out, it was all your fault! Once you recognize it, we can be a happy, united family once again. It was all you this whole time!”
“Thank you! Thank you so much for that insight! I’m so looking forward to Christmas.”
She was hurting, in such pain that I felt it too.
We should be preserving each other’s mental health. People who claim to care about each other should know it’s possible to kill with a word.
A good person, a decent person, can be struck down by a cruel accusation.
People who never admit a mistake don’t understand that power. They don’t care.
To them, it’s just a contest, another conflict that they need to win. But there are some contests that can’t be won by power and control.
But Solomon is not always there. Sometimes the baby goes home with the second woman and the mother gains little comfort from knowing the child is alive.
Some people don’t want to see you happy.
Some people become resentful of your success.
Some people claim to be saviors even as they create the crises they strive to save you from.
My dad divorced my mother twenty-five years ago and he’s still litigating the separation. I hear his words in my brother’s voice now. My dad won’t stop until everyone believes that all the fault was hers. He was blameless, he was perfect.
He’s committed, even if dedicating himself to that message kills his wife and damages his children.
All that matters is the victory.
He won’t stop.
He won’t apologize.
There’s no place in his thinking for that.
The irony is that a father who was truly perfect would willingly take the blame.
Like the mother from Solomon’s judgment, the well-being of the family should be the ultimate objective.
What does your sense of perfection matter when you have to grind your children down to ash?
Whom does twenty-five years of pressure serve?
There’s only one power that knows the whole truth.
Take care that it does not judge you unkindly.
As for me, I know my mistakes.
I’m sorry.
I know the comfort that comes from passing through the pain of regret.
Even though the passage is sometimes long…
It’s not eternal.
There will be better days ahead.
I promise.
Unity will come when you find the courage to take the first step.
—
This post was previously published on A Parent Is Born.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash