Some years ago, I’ve read an article about how many people are actually not narcissists, but depressed. Depressed people tend to focus a lot on themselves, which might be perceived as self-centered and selfish.
Later, I came to have a deeper understanding of why we often hurt each other the way we do. I came to know more about how our human conditions work, as I learned how to observe my inner states through Vipassana meditation.
Suffering, self-centeredness and selfishness
Many of us go on in our daily lives carrying some degree of suffering, without even realizing it. Our body carries so much stress and anxiety, and yet we go on auto-pilot, disconnected from how our body actually feels.
Many of us have to gaslight ourselves from all the unprocessed pain and hurt, as a survival mechanism. To carry on with our daily lives, we often have to be strong and stoic, pushing aside our emotions and wasting no time in negativity.
And yet what we repress still expresses itself. Our body, carrying on with the chronic stress and anxiety, becomes chronically ill.
Mentally, we go through burnout. We become helpless victims of our lives and circumstances.
Slowly, helplessness, anger and resentment would build up.
But day by day, this repressed suffering becomes louder and louder. The less conscious we are of it, the louder it expresses itself in many unconscious ways.
And it tries to grab our attention. At some point, it becomes so unbearable that all we can focus on is our own pain, leaving no room for caring for other people.
If we have a chronic physical pain, any small touch on the skin might trigger strong pain. This is true when it comes to mental/emotional pain, that people become really sensitive to any potential trigger on their own pain.
This is why many people might seem so self-centered that they can’t pay attention to what others might feel too. Not because they are naturally uncaring, but because their own pain screams so loudly they can barely have the capacity to hear others.
The danger of over-mislabeling people as narcissists
In the past years, I’ve read a lot of books and articles on relationships. One of the trends I’ve noticed is that other people are often described as narcissists or manipulative, as if they have the conscious intention to hurt the reader.
Many people actually hurt others not only because they can’t see beyond their own triggers and pain, but also because they are unaware of their own toxic patterns.
Personally, I’ve experienced both being hurt and hurting people. When I was hurt, I realized that it wasn’t because I deserved it, but because the other person was really in pain and that’s their unhealthy mechanism of self-protection.
A partner might react defensively and critically when I reveal my insecurities or needs, because it might trigger his insecurity of not being enough. And I might seem manipulative by not being direct with what I want, as it is a way to protect myself from being criticized while getting my needs met.
In a past relationship, I’ve been perceived as uncaring sometimes as I didn’t show proper care toward my partner. This was because I didn’t really know how to do so, as I never received proper care myself before. We can’t really give what we don’t have or don’t know.
Most of us desire connection and yearn to be seen and heard. And yet we are often so starved and lost that we learned that we have to fight against each other to get what we need.
When we use labels such as “narcissism”, we create an invisible assumption that others are intentional in their infliction of pain on others. We also disassociate ourselves from the possibility that we might be capable of hurting others as well.
How to start changing unhealthy dynamics
We often hear how we must forgive and be compassionate towards others. To do so, we have to first give ourselves what we yearn for the most: to listen, validate, and be compassionate to how we feel inside.
Anger comes from a part of us that loves ourselves enough to say “I deserve respect and care too”. When you can finally sit with yourself, and have the time and space to actually listen and be compassionate about what you truly feel, this anger can slowly dissipate as you are honoring and acknowledging the validity of your experience.
When you can strip away all the conditionings imposed on your inner experience, when you can change your inner voice from “I shouldn’t feel this way” to “given the circumstances, I did my best and it was normal that I felt this way”, you begin to truly see the nature of your inner world as a human being. Because you no longer repress what you are conditioned to not feel, you can truly see and integrate the entire experience as a whole.
When you can embrace your shadows and your whole human nature with compassion and unconditional acceptance, you can finally feel compassion toward your fellow humans who are each going through their own human experience, at their own pace.
Feeling compassion and unconditional acceptance takes time. I still struggle with this practice, which probably takes a lifetime (or lifetimes).
Unconditional acceptance doesn’t mean a lack of boundaries. But because we are more compassionate with others and especially with ourselves, we have healthier boundaries that protect each other from propagating more hurt toward each other.
After understanding this, I feel more accepting of myself and others.
I began to see how each of us is just going through our own journeys, at our own paces, doing our best given the circumstances.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
 |
 |
 |
 |
—–
Photo credit: Makruf Al Hafiz on Unsplash
