When you start wandering back through the connective issues, the point at which you get confused, or cannot answer the question, is the point where the problem lies. It’s a conflict. If you allow yourself to be questioned and commit to not allowing diversion, eventually you may arrive at the door of confusion (epic music here).
At the point you feel confused is a door you can’t open. On the other side of that door is the person really driving the bus. Figure out how to open that door ’cause he got some ‘splainin to do.
For me, it often happens when someone starts going down the road of “why can’t you assert yourself?”.
Through the maze of questions that I have no difficulty answering I feel confident that I’ve got this nailed. Back and back …” well, why can’t you drink your coffee with sugar?” somehow arrives at something like “so what is it that makes you drive too fast?”. Strange twists and turns but at every turn, I’m still fine. I still got this.
But then after some time, we arrive at a question I can’t answer.
It should be something I can answer but there’s just confusion. It’s not a question about string theory or photomodulation effects on mitochondria. It’s something simple like “do you like your potatoes boiled or baked?”
Logic and rationality tell me I should be able to answer it but I can’t. It’s that moment that often “something happens” that keeps me from having to answer it. I “accidentally” drop a fork, or crack a joke, or I decide to take up electroplating at that very moment (that actually happened).
Anything to keep from opening the door. Somehow the question doesn’t register and at times it’s like – midconversation – someone is speaking in a language I don’t understand. Other times it’s like someone just gave me a riddle that is not solvable or a logical paradox.
I feel a little untethered and anxious and that tells me that I’m at the door of confusion.
That’s why we need things like men’s groups. Others – outside our minds – don’t have the same avoidance and can purposefully guide us to the door if we’re willing. They can see the look on our face when we get to that point of confusion.
That’s the moment they sit up straight, then point at us and say “That’s it! Right there! That’s where the issue is.”
They don’t have the answers to the problem. They just helped us find the problem and that’s consistently the biggest hurdle. Once we’re at the door, the big strong adult can take it from there.
It will take trust. You may have to enlist other’s in your men’s group for support or you may be able to work it out yourself. Either way is okay but at least you now have the option to work on it, or not, instead of just letting someone else drive the bus.
What You Can Do
Allow yourself to be led by the hand by someone you trust unquestionably. For me, it’s the men’s group. Allow a man or men to walk you through the building of your mind. Let them know that you want them to be focused on you. Let them ask questions about something that’s bothering you.
Open doors and enjoy some of your memories with them. Feel the feelings as you open door after door going deeper into the building. Some rooms have good things, others have not-so-great things but nothing you can’t tolerate.
It’s all good. Allow yourself to be led until you, and your posse, get to the door of confusion. While you and your posse stand there in front of the door, make a decision, you make it alone, about what you want to do there. If your posse is a bunch of flakey self-absorbed boobs, don’t open the door (and, btw, get new friends).
If you trust them and they will support you, maybe you want to, or maybe not just yet. Your call.
Previously Published on MensGroupTalk.com