It finally caught me and then my wife. A thing we have dreaded; a thing that has pursued all of us for over 3 years and has touched everyone in one way or another in multiple times and ways. That has caught most of us. That we hoped and might have imagined was over. COVID.
In 2022, the CDC did a study of Americans 16 and older and found 77.5% of us had antibodies from infection. Clearly more of us have been affected since 2022, at least two more, and all the people we all know who have been sick in 2023.
It was said, over and over, we’re all in this together. And that is the most fearful thing, and the most hopeful. That maybe we will wake from a collective sleep and realize our mutual relationship, or that it’s not even a relationship but a continuum, or web of interrelations.
In the most basic way, someone passes the illness to us. We may pass it to someone else. Which gets to another part of this I had nightmares about: getting others sick. My spouse as number one. I couldn’t stand the thought of her sick, especially from me. She tested negative Thursday. But this morning, Friday, a sniffle, a cough, and a positive test. And I was scared all over again, but for her. When we realized I was sick, we had started sleeping in separate rooms, wore masks, etc. But at home, with only one bathroom and kitchen, isolation proved impossible.
The symptoms started for me on Tuesday. My wife and I were in New York City, on one of our few vacations since COVID. I was climbing the steps to go into The Museum of Natural History, a museum I knew well in my youth but not in recent years. And I tripped. One foot seemed to fall asleep on me. Then it happened again when we took stairs down from the fourth-floor dinosaur wing. And again, descending from the third floor. I realized something was off. I feared a stroke, but everything else in me was working perfectly⎼ or so it seemed.
Then at night, after a wonderful dinner, we returned to our hotel. And my head started feeling too heavy to sit on my shoulders and was spinning from the weight. My throat was absurdly dry and scratchy. My stomach a bit queasy. Most of you know the signs. And now I knew.
When I turned out the light, I realized that lying with me in bed was something so big it had become myth sized. Larger than any one human. Darker than night. A myth that felt very modern but in one form or another has been with humans forever, or maybe more so once we moved from grassy plains to enclosed spaces. To big groups instead of small ones. A possibly deadly illness that we could catch and pass on from one person to the next.
And I was frightened. Here it was. And I knew not what would happen to me or to us. Suddenly, I was not in my own hands. I realized we were never totally in our own hands.
And just as I fell asleep, someone knocked on the door of our room, The noise woke us up, and was repeated again and again. I yelled out in response, “Who is it?” “Me,” they answered. Was this a puzzle posed by the universe? “Who?”
I got up and went to the door. I looked through the peephole. A young woman was standing there, apparently alone, but my view was obstructed. I opened the door. Once she saw my face, she knew she was at the wrong door, apologized, and turned away.
It took a while, but finally peace and quiet replaced the knocking.
The next day, I tested positive. And we drove home. I called my doctor, texted anyone who might have been infected by me, cancelled appointments. And, in a way, I felt relieved. I was sitting with my dread, and I was still alive. My wife had no symptoms. Then….
One thing I thought about since then and was constantly asked was “where did you get it?” Of course, this is an unknown. We can’t know for sure. But my guess, what felt right, was that I caught it the one time since the pandemic began, that I was indoors at an event without a mask on. The timing was right. The conditions were right. But I could still be wrong.
For many people, especially those vaccinated, COVID lately has been no worse than a complex cold. But considering my age, other medications, and recent medical history, my doctor thought I should be careful and prescribed a lower dose of an anti-viral alternative to Paxlovid. Later, another healthcare worker and a neighbor advised me not to take the anti-viral. They argued it could be harmful. Instead, I should take Ivermectin. This drug was, they claimed, totally safe and effective.
However, the research I found, with the help of a retired county health commissioner familiar with analyzing medical information, and 2 other friends showed Ivermectin would not be effective and safe. It is used to treat people with intestinal parasites, or lice and such. It is also used to treat medical issues in other animal species. But according to the CDC and FDA, etc., it is not a proven and safe treatment for humans with COVID. Also, like most drugs, it can interact with other medications and cause disturbing side-effects, including death, and make certain medical conditions worse. And I have one of those conditions and I am on one of the counter-indicated medications.
Misleading, possibly harmful, and even divisive misinformation has, as we all know, become an almost expected reality in our nation today. In a civilization as populous and as social media consumed as ours, lies and distortions, as well as verifiable facts about life-saving treatments, can pass through us as quickly and powerfully as waves in an ocean. Or as mythical stories.
Myths and lies about COVID treatments were spread by a former president and a way of thinking that puts his and his supporter’s own power and position as more important than anything or anyone else, including the health of our people and the safety of the nation. Ivermectin joins hydroxychloroquine as examples of ineffective or possibly dangerous treatments pushed by DJT, Maga GOP ⎼ and others ⎼ instead of scientifically validated vaccines and medications. Incredibly, DJT even suggested injecting bleach might be a helpful treatment.
One reason I wrote this is to remind us of one of several reasons why over 81 million citizens, a clear majority, voted DJT out of office in 2020 and must prevent him from taking office in 2024. He maliciously mismanaged the COVID crisis. Even though he pushed for speedy research and development of a vaccine, once it was developed and tested he and other GOP lied or spread false information which interfered with implementing an effective national vaccination plan.
This frightening history made the dread that had been seated beside me even more menacing. Our response to any situation is a large component of any pain, or joy, we feel. The worst times for me were Tuesday, in New York City, before I even knew I had the illness, and Thursday just before bedtime. And the times during the day when the whole universe seemed drained of color. At night, I could feel so stuffed up by fear, questions, or post-nasal drip that breathing was difficult. I yearned for morning.
The best help for me, besides naps, were provided by tea, soup, and other liquids, the anti-viral and supplements. And, if and when I was able, to just sit with myself without coughing or falling asleep. And feel my breath with my mind and heart open a little, even to my fear and dread. And realize⎼ I can do this. This moment, I can do. And hope and pray my wife and I, and all of us together, have already come through the worst.
It was healing for me to feel that even though something like a pandemic could and did separate us, it could also, maybe, bring us together, or teach us something. To show us we are all distinct people, but what makes us distinct, our senses, mind, experiences, etc. allow us to feel, or to better understand others.
Philosopher Ken Wilber discussed in his book No Boundary: Eastern and Western Approaches to Personal Growth, our skin constitutes a border that makes touching possible. To be me requires not only a border but others. My neighbors, doctors, and friends who offered help; my wife, cats, and people I’ve been physically or emotionally close to; political figures, the FDA, researchers, and maybe humans throughout time, all helping me create borders so touching was made possible. We appear like two so we can be one.
So, when we reach out our hands or we speak, it would be helpful to notice with awareness and care who and how we’re touching.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Scarey, Ira. An outdoor event!! We’re still wearing masks at appointments and have relaxed in open air settings too. Now I won’t!! I hope you and your wife heal well, and soon.