You can always tell if a potential partner isn’t interested in dating you. They might be happy to chat — or more like text and message — but the date isn’t happening. This is when many people start looking for ways to explain such behaviour.
“They’re just busy! They work long hours.”
“It’s tough to work around your schedule; it may take some time.”
“Well, they are talking to you, aren’t they? They will meet you eventually.”
“We’re in a pandemic; you can’t expect to see someone in person right away.”
OK, the last one is valid. Refusing to meet a new connection in the middle of a global pandemic is quite reasonable — some of us are barely leaving our homes to get groceries, let alone meeting almost a total stranger. But in my case, the pandemic isn’t an issue — the guy’s lack of interest is.
I Had to Make the First Move
I don’t have a problem asking someone out as a woman. However, I cannot do all the work. When you seem to be the only interested party, this relationship is a bust even before starting.
We met through a dating app. After we started texting, the guy made a few jokes about going on a date but didn’t try to plan anything yet. Shortly after, he complained about his friends cancelling on him on Saturday. I swiftly replied:
“Well, it means you can meet me for a coffee that day.”
His response?
“Oh! I actually have to work Saturday.”
I know, I know. I should have ended it there and then, but I’m not an impulsive or emotional person. I decided to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, even though his story didn’t seem to add up. He also didn’t make an effort to reschedule the date for a different day, such as Sunday, or to meet during the week.
If a man didn’t make an effort to see me within 14 days, I conclude a complete lack of interest.
I Had to Make the First Move Again
He was too busy the next weekend as well. I have a two-week rule, which dictates that if a man didn’t make an effort to see me within 14 days, I conclude a complete lack of interest. Therefore, once he came up with a “too busy” excuse for the second week in a row, I wrote him off.
But I had to continue for research purposes! I’m also sometimes too kind and too understanding, so I decided to give it a small chance of becoming friends. The goal was to see him the next weekend, and then decide if I wish to have him as a friend — if he agrees to it, of course.
Guess what? I had to make the first move again. He mentioned meeting me on the weekend but didn’t present me with a firm invitation. Since I already decided this isn’t going to work out, I figured I could take charge one more time.
“10 AM this Saturday? There is a nice coffee place not too far from you, and it’s a short drive for me as well.”
His response?
“I don’t know if I can wake up that early.”
Great. The motivation to meet me was off the charts! Waking up a little bit early to meet the girl who will drive to you is too much to ask. Sure, let’s meet up later. I already sensed that I might collect some material for an article.
Are you interested in dating someone? You should make an effort.
He Cancelled for the Third Time
You already know what happened, right? The evening before our date, he suddenly had to go to another city to rescue his car. He couldn’t meet me in the morning and go there an hour or two later. I chose not to present him with this option, and just see if he makes an effort to salvage the “date.”
It’s been three weeks and three failed attempts to meet each other. And after I made a move again, on my own, the fellow came up with a new excuse. This is why I have a two-week rule to filter out people who don’t want to date me.
If they aren’t interested, there will be someone who is.
There Was an Attempt to Save the Date… Or Not Really
I was graciously presented with an option to see him at a later time that day, under the condition that he fixes his car and gets it home. How? He didn’t know. When? The man didn’t know that either.
“I don’t know if someone can help me with the car, or when I’ll be back. But I can let you know as things progress. I don’t know what time it’s going to be. I can also bike to you once I’m back!”
No, thank you, I don’t feel like going out on a date with a sweaty dude. I also had to change my plans a little bit to make a date happen in the first place, and I’m certainly not interested in letting my entire day go to waste. If he has no respect for my time on top of having a zero motivation to meet me in person — too bad, so sad, I’ll take a wild guess and say he’s not the last man on earth.
Is the Guy Completely Clueless?
I don’t know if he’s clueless, and it doesn’t really matter. He is an engineer, and I don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype, but maybe he’s a nerdy kind of guy, who doesn’t have much experience dating.
To be completely honest, all this seems more like a common-sense type of thing. Are you interested in dating someone? You should make an effort. The girl asked you out? You should ensure you don’t cancel on her for the second time. She’s being patient and giving you another chance? Well, if you cancel for the third time, you clearly have zero interest. At least this is how it looks from my perspective.
The Conclusion
You should always value yourself and your time. It can be hard to admit that someone isn’t interested in you, but it’s better to be honest and face reality. Someone’s opinion doesn’t reflect your value. If they aren’t interested, there will be someone who is.
There is plenty of fish in the sea, and the goal is to find your fish. The fish that’s truly yours will make an effort to meet you and won’t come up with “I have to work” excuses.
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Previously published on medium
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