I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my marriage since my husband abandoned me while I was in the bathroom one night a week before Christmas. Many people have asked me if I ever noticed any red flags during our marriage/relationship.
My initial reaction to this question was puzzlement. What red flags? What did a red flag even look like?
Sure, there were things in the last year or two that were off, a period of time I have since come to dub “the decline.” But it took a lot of reflection on our past before I saw earlier issues for what they were: red flags.
“Where were you?”
The earliest red flag occurred while we had been dating for only a couple of months. We were both in school full-time, and I worked grueling shifts at a local diner. My husband worked on the weekends, free during the week to do god knows what.
On the day in question, I had just completed a busy lunch shift and was pretty darn tired. I had made plans to visit my husband (then boyfriend) after work. Naturally, I got held longer than I was scheduled for, a common occurrence at that diner where few rules were observed.
I got to his apartment as soon as I could, forgoing eating lunch since I was already late.
When I got there, he was clearly miffed. “Where were you?” he asked accusatorily.
Where was I? How about busting my butt slinging greasy food for hardly any pay! Of course, I didn’t say this, I was afraid he would get angry, so I explained I had had to work longer than my scheduled shift. He didn’t talk about it further. At the time, he only worked weekends, and probably didn’t understand how challenging it was to go to school full-time as well as perform physical work 20–30 hours a week.
But it was his accusatory tone that bothered me. The way he asked me where I was was like he owned me or my time. He acted like I was out having fun with another guy when I was really working to pay for tuition (his tuition was fully paid at the time…)
It bothered me so much that I’ve remembered this instance, and can still hear the inflection in his voice sixteen years later.
I Ignored His Need to Control. I Shouldn’t have.
I brushed this episode aside, like so much during our relationship. But just like a bundle of rubbish that leaves a bump under the rug, I could never forget it. The memory of his behavior was always there, lingering in the back of my mind.
It wasn’t until he admitted during a couples therapy session that he had been purposefully manipulating me for years that I realized the importance of this episode so early on in our relationship.
He wanted me to feel intimidated. He chose not to (god forbid) express sympathy that I had had to work overtime. For him, all that mattered was how my tardiness had affected him. From that point on, I fell ever-so-slowly under his control.
Want to read all my Medium articles? You can become a member here:
Join Medium with my referral link – Diana Pearce
As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…
medium.com
Want to show your support and buy me a coffee?
https://buy.stripe.com/4gw7u57yK6nK0W4eUU
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
—–
Photo credit: Dan Meyers on Unsplash