It is very rare for me to see a relationship and say to myself, “I want that.” I know a number of couples that have a trait or two that I love and applaud. But for the most part, I don’t want their relationship.
To be honest, I only know of one, maybe two relationships that I consider to be “relationship goals.” One couple that I met in college and the other I know because they are friends of my parents. There is something totally different about them and I think they have a trait that sets them apart from everyone else.
Loving your partner is an important trait, but I’m not so sure it’s the most important. You could love a great many people; you can accept them for who they are and have them close to you, but that doesn’t mean the relationship will flourish or even happen.
We’ve seen one person give love in a relationship while the other person isn’t pulling their weight. We’ve also seen two people who adore one another but are incompatible. Unfortunately, love sometimes isn’t enough.
Perhaps shared values is the most important trait. After all, you’re going to need something to hold onto other than sexual attraction. Plus, this is the trait that really bonds people together because it highlights what they stand for. So even if you disagree, at least you know they are coming from a good place.
As good as shared values are, what would happen if there was no sexual attraction? There would be no romantic relationship. This would render the relationship a friendship of companionate love.
Maybe we’re thinking about this too hard. Maybe the most important trait is good old attraction. It is why things get started in the first place and it serves as a gateway into a deeper commitment and connection.
Attraction, like all of the factors listed and the others that weren’t, is very important. But I still don’t think of it as the most important because attraction obviously doesn’t have to yield a relationship, much less a good relationship. Sometimes it starts and ends in sex. Not much of a relationship there.
So What’s the Answer?
The reason I can only think of two relationships that I would probably want is because the people in these relationships are not primarily driven to get something from their partner.
Most people (and I’ve been guilty of this too) want a relationship for self-gratification. Think about that. You want a relationship to feel better about yourself. You want another person to make you feel good, but you swear that you’ll do the same for them. Honestly, this is unsustainable.
Firstly, this is the perfect concoction for possessiveness. This person is supposed to edify your life; they’re sort of like food for you. If this food were to leave or be unfaithful, that’s your peace of mind torn to shreds.
The “love” you had suddenly turns to hate, which leads one to question, was it really love in the first place? Of course not. The love existed insofar that they were keeping up their end of the deal. And now that they’re not, it is time to replace your significant other with a new one.
When you want a relationship for self-gratification, your partner is really just an appliance. Once they break down or fail, there’s no point anymore. And once you break down, you will be replaced.
Secondly, nothing lasts forever. However, when we seek a relationship for self-gratification, we are hoping that this other person will make us feel good about ourselves all the time. But there will come a point where they will not be available to do so. It’s merely the ebb and flow of life. The only constant is change.
When they fail you, what will you do? Well, you might consider ending things, correcting their behavior or getting your needs met elsewhere, even if that means betraying the parameters of the relationship.
Therefore, the most important trait is for the two people to feed and nurture the third entity — the relationship itself.
When you do this, ego gratification takes a back seat. Pleasure is experienced not because of what you tried to get from the other person, but because of the love you feed into the relationship. This is a pleasure that transcends ego.
Moreover, this supersedes what you stand to gain or lose because everything is for the relationship, which translates into the exaltation of each individual. Your best interest is their best interest, and vice versa — even if it means losing them to someone else.
Because you aren’t holding onto them for dear life, they are free to do whatever they please. Of course, when it comes to one’s boundaries, one is free to do as one pleases. If someone is being abusive, one can walk away. But in a relationship such as this it is hard to experience abuse because to hurt the partner is to hurt the self. If you were to infringe on the relationship, it could only be done because of self-gratification because such actions are inherently selfish.
And any relationship that is based in selfishness is utterly doomed. It’s silly to think you can be selfish and have a good relationship because your partner probably is selfish too. If you’re willing to manipulate them, they’ve already planned to manipulate you.
To be technical about it, a relationship where the people are trying to boost their ego and to feel better about themselves is a codependent relationship. They are using one another to feel valid, secure or better about themselves. A relationship where the goal of the people involved is to feed and nurture the relationship is an interdependent relationship.
If a codependent relationship is fostered by focusing on the self and what one can get, an interdependent relationship is a relationship where the partners focus on the relationship itself and what each can give to the other. But what does this look like?
Partners are encouraged to be who they are because they do not have to fulfill a role in order to make the other person feel good about themselves. Vulnerability is present because there’s nothing to lose or gain. Even if the relationship ends in its present form, the safety felt with one another will never go away.
You are able to detect who can be in this relationship when you put your offering in the relationship plate but notice that the other person isn’t investing the same or at all. You don’t take it personally because you acknowledge that they may have wounds that prevent them from being open and fully committed in ways that go beyond monogamy.
You are also able to identify those who want a relationship because they want to feel better about themselves and for ego gratification. They may be sweet, sensitive and kind, but there is a certain sinister sliminess to their affection. They need you to help them feel good about themselves, but that isn’t your job.
You honor and accept your partner as they are, even if that means they change. You don’t take it personally or feel bad if things end. You want what’s best for them, even if it’s not with you. There is an understanding that to try to boost your sense of self with anything or anyone this will be a recipe for disaster because if you lose it, you lose yourself.
And you will lose it because nothing lasts forever.
But if you can’t help yourself and you need someone to make yourself feel good, you have to get in touch with the person that you’ve been neglecting — you.
Get to know what you like and don’t like in general and in a relationship. Spend time with those you actually like and see how pleasurable it is to simply enjoy the relationship you have without having to use it to define yourself.
Know what you value and put them into practice. By doing this you will put an end to self-betrayal. Do the things you actually enjoy and visit the places you want to go. Essentially, give yourself what you want because no one on this planet can serve you better than you.
And if that’s the case, is it any wonder that your relationships match how you treat yourself?
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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