A client told me this recently. Apparently, the way they train fleas for a flea circus is to put them in a jar with a lid on. The fleas jump, hit the lid, and quickly learn that this is as far as they can go. When the lid is removed, they still stay within its bounds, having learned to limit their jumps.
One thing that folks who haven’t been through narcissistic abuse often have a hard time understanding is why the target complies and acts so cowed when the narcissist appears to be fairly benign. From the outside perspective, it can look like the target is overreacting, or even that it is their failing, and not the impact of abuse.
And targets as well may question themselves for feeling limited and constrained. What’s wrong with me? they wonder. Why can’t I just stand up for myself? After all, I am an adult and responsible for my own choices, right? Well yes, in theory. And in theory, the fleas could jump away. But they don’t.
What I have seen in narcissistic relationships is that the narcissist often creates a “lid” early on, reinforcing it as needed to keep the target in line. This can be done by raging about something and threatening or demonstrating physical violence, and/or more subtly through put-downs, accusations, the silent treatment, pouting, or even consistent lack of interest in your life and pursuits.
All these strategies “teach” the target to behave, because hitting up against the narcissist’s lid is generally painful. In my own case, about three months in the X went off on me, yelling and storming around because I simply asked for more connection. I was accused (loudly) of being needy and insecure and not understanding him. (His actual bizarre words were “you have no craft in understanding me.” WTF? This came out of nowhere and my nervous system was so jangled and disrupted that this statement is actually the only clear memory I have of the interaction.)
The impact? While I did not completely stop asking for what I needed, I became much more cautious and careful about how and when I did it. From then on I never brought up something I was not happy about without first making sure he was calm and in a reasonably good mood. Then I would sort of “tiptoe” my way in, with lots of “I’m sure it’s not your intention….” and “I’m sure it’s just me…..” etc. Ugh.
I’ve seen others act as if they are on an invisible leash, constantly checking phones, leaving events early, going above and beyond to anticipate the toxic person’s needs, and so on, as they do their best to avoid hitting the lid.
The benefit to the narcissist? Once they have the target trained, they don’t need to expend the energy to keep them in line. The flea won’t jump away, and it will do the tricks it is supposed to do.
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Want to get rid of your lid and live your life with more freedom and self-expression? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
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This post was previously published on BUTNOWIKNOWYOURNAME.WORDPRESS.COM and is republished on Medium.
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