Standing in the supermarket aisle, frozen to the spot:
“What am I doing here?
Oh, yes. Spaghetti.
There are a million types, which one shall I get? Just buy the cheapest one.
The cheapest one? Won’t that be hard and disgusting, remember the last time we bought the cheapest one?
Oh yeah, O.K., well, get the next most expensive one.
Cool.”
Ever had that conversation with yourself or another?
I thought so.
A prime example of the adverse effects of choice.
There are two main reasons why choice can screw you up:
paralysis and satisfaction with the results.
Western culture presupposes that the most important motivator for any human being is freedom.
What’s the way to ensure freedom? Choice.
The fast track to welfare, they say.
The assumption that leads to the marketing models that we have.
Of course, this is true, to an extent.
If you can make the necessary decisions, more choice means more individuality, means more actualisation of self, means more fulfilment to your goals.
If you can’t make decisions, then it can lead to crippling anxiety, distraction, and overwhelm.
It turns out Barry Schwartz has researched this area, all because of an experience of buying jeans.
He mentions in his TED talk that in his youth you could only buy one pair of jeans; they were uncomfortable, and they also didn’t fit very well.
Now jean shopping is littered with choices; fits, lengths, styles and so on.
Schwartz comes out of the shop with a pair of jeans, a pair that fits better than any other pair that he’s ever tried on.
Yet, he’s unsatisfied.
The paradox of choice.
. . .
Here are five ways that affect our body-mind around choices:
Choice paralysis
We have millions of choices every day; there are thousands of options to make in the supermarket alone.
It’s no wonder we put off the significant choices in our life; choices around our dreams.
Inertia comes from putting off these decisions.
It’s the state of an embodiment when you say: “I’ll do that later.”
Then later never arrives.
When I think of making a difficult choice, I’m always present with an option of doing it later, and it’s the easy way out because it defers the need to make the actual choice.
Except, you don’t receive any of the satisfaction that way. The stress of the knowledge of the choice stays with you.
That stress builds up until force makes you make a decision.
It’s a curious and typical cycle.
Why do we put off choices thinking that we won’t have to do it later?
You will, and, most of the time, it’ll be more challenging.
Main experience this leads to: inertia.
Less satisfied with results
Relating to the choices that you didn’t make will lead to less satisfaction in the choice that you did make.
Partly because it’s a fantasy; you can’t know what the other meal at a restaurant would’ve tasted like, or the other pair of jeans would’ve felt.
Fantasy is a way for the mind to become burdened in suffering.
Dan Gilbert explains this in his TED talk when he says:
One of the things we know about comparison: that when we compare one thing to the other, it changes its value.
Main experience this leads to: regrets.
Choosing; not choosing
With every choice, there has to be a ‘no choice’.
The things you didn’t choose, leave you continually thinking about what they would have been like, had you chosen them.
It isn’t particularly relevant to our everyday experience of life; we’re never going to know; it’s a fantasy.
It keeps the imagination going, and it’s a way to subtly self-sabotage yourself.
People who live in critical states of shame use this tactic.
They are subtly shaming themselves for every decision they make.
Allows them the rationale to be a ‘bad’ person.
“See, because I should’ve chosen the healthy option, but I went with fries.”
In reality, it only matters that you are stacking decisions towards a long term goal.
Main experience this leads to: dissatisfaction.
Expectations went up
Choice automatically lifts the expectations.
If you have to choose from five options on a menu, that look equally delicious, then the thing you choose better be spectacular.
It’s such a regular experience to have food envy.
Having other options makes us perfectionist.
You judge other people’s things in comparison to your own, even though they’re not compatible.
Main experience this leads to: perfectionism, unrealistic expectation.
FOMO
Am I right?!
I really want to do x, but I don’t want to miss out, I’ll go out instead. It’s just one drink.
Next morning:
Oooooh, my head. Why did I go out?! I’m late. I’m hungover. Why?!
You’re likely to pick the choice that motivates you around some of the deepest needs of humanity: community, safety, security.
The challenge is that they don’t always take you to long term gain.
Anything that is motivated by fear tends that way.
Social media is built on this model.
That person is cute or crushing it.
You want to be like them.
Who knows what they’re like! It’s just a picture or a minute video.
We’ve forgotten that most of that content is a marketing strategy. Even if you have a particular image of how you want to come across on socials; you have a marketing strategy.
Main experience this leads to: Instant gratification.
. . .
Ways to step into a present knowing state around choices:
You are exactly where you need to be
Life is a journey, and you are where you are supposed to be.
You cannot choose outside of your current consciousness. If you knew about it in the past, you would have chosen it!
Be present with your current reality, and make choices within your realm of experience.
If you need to learn something, then you will recognise that, and you’ll move towards it.
When you do something, if you fix your mind on the activity with some confidence, the quality of your state of mind is the activity itself. When you are connected to the quality of your being, you are prepared for the activity.
~ Shunryu Suzuki ~
You make the best decision available to you at each moment
Know that the decision you make is from your present moment, it is the only decision you could make, because that’s the one you made it.
Any thought of having chosen another idea is an ego state, which is useful information, but not related to your fulfilment.
Your heart chose for you
If you can connect in with your intuition, then your heart can start telling you what to choose.
As Sadhguru says:
“Learning to listen is the essence of intelligent living.”
To a certain extent, our heart chooses in every scenario, based on our ability to experience our full nervous systems; or sensory experience of life.
Make a decision. You can always decide to take it back
The key is to make a decision and stick to it.
The next moment will present you with another opportunity to make a decision.
In the case of the jeans, if you’re unsure, decide to go and try a few pairs on, and know that you’ll make the best choice based on how you feel.
Take the next logical step forward; that’s all you can do.
If it’s a meal, and you feel regret, start to learn how to sit with the disappointment of the choice. Another vital aspect of life, you won’t get everything you want.
Notice the things you feel gratitude for; the aspects that are rewarding about your choice, then decide on the lessons you learned from the experience, that you might change next time.
Sitting in indecision is way worse for you than making the wrong choice.
“Krishna says in the Gita, “The worst crime in the world is indecision.”
Self-enquiry
I enjoy Stoic philosophy because they promote a self-enquiring mind which is deeply related to your values, and purpose.
No action performed in emotional reactivity.
Tim Ferriss describes his process of ‘fear setting’ in his TED talk, in which he allows himself to analyse why he’s stalling.
. . .
Integrative thoughts
Of course, choice is mostly beneficial.
It allows us to be who we are more fully, it raises the quality of what’s around us, and it’s lead our society to be one of the safest and securest societies in the history of humanity; yes, even amongst the current craziness!
Not much attention is directed to the fact that choice can be paralysing, and lead to dissatisfaction.
Enquire into when you’re putting off a decision, lean into it, and come to a place where you can move forward.
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This post was previously published on Peter Middleton’s blog.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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