So many articles make relationships out to be these complicated things that need countless tips and tricks to make them work. There are millions of words written on communication, sex, fighting, loving, and all the other things that go along with relationships. But at the end of the day, the bottom line is, you must always choose your partner.
Now, this isn’t a novel idea. If you have seen the new Netflix show Bridgerton, the entire show focuses on the basic relationship advice we all already know. However, even in the show, the main characters have a tough time following it. Even I have a challenging time following this advice and I am the one writing about the topic! But I have also spent a great deal of time reflecting and practicing the art of choosing my partner.
“What does it even mean to choose your partner?” you ask.
Yes, you are dating your partner (or married), so obviously you have already chosen them on some level. But this goes beyond that surface choice of whom to spend our time with. Sometimes we get into fights with our partners. We don’t agree on something or we are just feeling neglected or emotional and a conflict erupts. It is important to remember that this is natural. There will always be conflict of some sort that can arise. It is only normal for two people to not agree on every single thing. However, if you and your partner agree on each other and the future of your relationship, then these conflicts are just a conflict.
The conflict doesn’t mean you start thinking about breaking up. You don’t reactivate your Tinder. You don’t give ultimatums or corner your partner into choices they don’t want to make. Instead, you acknowledge the conflict. But you recognize that it is a small conflict, and it can be resolved.
How is it resolved? Does that mean I am right?
Good question! No.
Being right and being wrong are devise concepts. Obviously, someone can be right on the color of the sky, but in terms of opinion, there is no right or wrong — just two different perspectives. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be able to appreciate their partner’s perspective. When you can appreciate your partner’s perspective and they appreciate yours, who is right or wrong is less of a priority. Instead, the two of you grow in your relationship because you understand each other’s perspectives more.
The benefit to this is that the two of you will grow stronger in your relationship and you will develop a greater understanding of your partner. The other benefit to this is that you will have less conflicts in the long run because you will both be able to appreciate each other’s perspectives and understand when a certain perspective may cause a conflict. Future arguments can be usurped because you know when something may pose an issue for the two of you and you can head the issue by addressing it before it turns into an issue.
When you reach this point, who is wrong or who is right essentially no longer matters. Instead, you learn to respect your partner and appreciate their unique perspectives for what it brings to your relationship and how it makes them unique. After all, you love them for who they are, and their opinion is part of that!
But what does that have to do with choosing your partner?
Essentially, amid your conflict you should not be considering whether the two of you should break up because you’ve had this disagreement. Instead, you take a step back and you realize that no matter what conflict arises between the two of you because of differing perspectives, you love your partner, and this is the person you want to be with.
That becomes your motivation as opposed to fighting because you are motivated to be right. When you are focused on trying to be right or them being wrong, that is divisive. However, when you focus on the fact that this is your partner and this is who you want to be with, the two of you will learn how to move through your conflicts together.
The other benefit of this is that it does create a feeling of relationship security. When you and your partner both agree that you have chosen each other and are working towards a future together, no matter what conflict might arise because of differing perspectives, ultimately you guys have the same goals in mind. You are on the same team.
Personally, the worst part about conflicts in my relationships is that I worry that this will mean that we are not compatible or that they want to dump me because of my perspective. And because of this, insecurity develops and when other conflicts arise, no matter how small they are, it erodes at the foundations of the relationship. When this worry is eliminated because both partners have agreed to always choose each other, the foundations of the relationship continue to grow stronger.
So, you choose your partner and the relationship.
Exactly, no matter what conflict may arise or what challenging situation the two of you move through, if you choose each other every day, the two of you will grow stronger and you will be able to overcome anything that arises. This doesn’t necessarily mean that every single day you must be together or that you won’t need a break sometimes. But, if the two of you are secure in the knowledge that you are both working towards the same future goal, your relationship will flourish. There will no longer be a fight between them and you, instead, it will become us. The two of you will be on the same team and you will know that conflict is just the two of you trying to be better together.
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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