Men and women have misunderstood each other for centuries.
It’s no surprise considering the two sexes are so different in the ways we think, process, reason, and experience the world.
But the one thing that men often don’t understand is — how unsafe it feels to be a woman in today’s world.
…
Women never know when they’ll encounter danger.
It may sound like an exaggeration, but I am always hyper-aware of my surroundings.
Whenever I walk through a public park, you best believe I’m aware of who is walking behind me or watching me as I go by.
I won’t go into elevators alone with men unless I know him, or if I’m certain that the building has high security and cameras everywhere.
I try my best to be home before dark, but when that’s not possible, I am hyper-alert. I know every alleyway, shortcut, and darkened garage entrance along the seven-minute walk from the train to my apartment.
And that’s just physical safety.
There’s also emotional safety, intellectual safety, and safety within relationships to consider.
If you’ve read any of my previous work, you know that I am strongly against hookup culture and its adverse effects on women, specifically. Women are more sexually vulnerable. We are more prone to emotional trauma in broken sexual relationships.
We are emotionally vulnerable in a lot of other ways, too. Oftentimes, we have a wider range of emotional fluctuations throughout the day, with higher highs and lower lows.
Women have a much harder time “compartmentalizing.” I couldn’t tell you the number of times that something bothering me stayed in my mind the entire day, filling any cracks of my “resting” mind with the same troubling thought or feeling.
For a lot of women, we never get a break. Not even from our own thoughts.
…
I can’t say that every woman has these experiences but I would be willing to bet that many do.
Women are pre-programmed to be cautious and on guard in virtually every environment where something could go wrong.
(Or every environment period.)
I have yet to find a man who has the experiences that women have.
I have yet to encounter a man who feels afraid to travel somewhere at night, get into an elevator with a stranger, or walk through a park on his own.
I have yet to encounter a man who suffers years of emotional trauma from losing his virginity to the wrong person, or from being used for sex and discarded.
I have yet to encounter a man who would feel uncomfortable in a meeting room full of women. I have yet to encounter a man who is routinely afraid of being sexually harassed.
Maybe I don’t know enough men, but I have observed that for women like myself, we go about our lives “on guard” as the default.
“Relaxed” mode is a rarity.
Men generally are the opposite.
They are relaxed until they’re given a substantial reason not to be.
…
This is not to minimize the struggles that men face in society.
And, boy, are there many.
From false accusations to always being painted as a perpetrator…from reverse sexism to unrealistically high expectations…to more dangerous jobs and social responsibilities…from “toxic masculinity” to “end all men” and other radical feminist notions —
Men have their fair share of struggles that women will never understand, either.
I won’t pretend that I have firsthand experience with the difficulties that many men face in our modern social climate.
I am not a man and I do not.
But from a woman’s perspective, the male and female struggles are different.
I can only speak to my experiences.
My words of advice for men looking to have meaningful relationships with women is this:
Make her feel safe.
That is the single, most important thing that women wish men in their lives understood.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com