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You’ve found someone that you can stand being around. You’ve met at a mutual friend’s, at bible study, or at the supermarket. You’ve giggled at the appropriate time, and have done enough investigation to determine that you both like long walks on the beach. So clearly you’re a perfect match.
Time to take it to the next level! But there’s something in your way…
Back in my day, things were a lot simpler. No, I’m not 104 years old, I’m 39. But they were simpler decades ago. Boy met girl, they liked each other, went to a movie, he did the old I’m yawning, gonna stretch my arms and throw one over her shoulder routine, and they then got married. I mean, it’s a time-honored classic for a reason, right?
Those sonsabitches at the seat design company are killing the sexy time potential of men and women of every culture, religion and creed that visit a modern movie cinema.
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Nowadays, there’s a whole lot more involved. And let me state that for the purposes of this article, we’re going to assume it’s not just because I’m back out on the road 20 years later with no clue. Just stick with me.
I’ll tell ya the problem.
It’s those high backed seats in movie theatres nowadays!
Those sonsabitches at the seat design company are killing the sexy time potential of men and women of every culture, religion and creed that visit a modern movie cinema. How is someone supposed to yawn and get an arm over their date’s seat with the seat backs up so high? It’s an outrage!
No longer can our necks be relied upon to hold up our heads. No, sir-eee, they need a high seat back to do that.
This means that if someone were to attempt this move, they’d need to run an arm from between the top of someone’s head and the chair, burrow down oh so gently towards the top of the shoulders, all the while not pulling her hair. Or slipping and bumping her in the back of her head, forcing her head forward and stabbing her with the straw of an oversized soft drink she was just about to take a sip out of. AND of course… ya know… keeping it casual! Which is the whole key to this move!
These fiends have a lot to answer for!
Understand, this is an intergenerational crisis. If this situation is not remedied, relationships have no other way to flourish. How else is the first move made? If this critical first step is removed, how else do we get to loving relationships? I have to talk? Come on! Why do you think I suggested a movie in the first place? Man eating dinosaurs or college a Capella groups are waaaay more interesting than most of the women I’ve been out with of late.
If we don’t get to loving relationships, how do we procreate? If population levels begin to fall at precipitous rates, sure the environment gives a “Hip Hip Hooray”, but who the hell is gonna make my decaf chai latte with almond milk?* Because I’m not doing it!
“It’ll be great,” they said. “Enjoy your movie in greater comfort.” Sure, but they didn’t think through the ramifications did they?
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This forces me to do a thigh move. But nowadays there’s an arm-rest six inches wide that I’ve got to deal with. Ok, I could manage that, but thigh work seems a little more complicated than a yawn to stretch to shoulder move and frankly, the distance I have to cover, coupled with the height of the armrest, and the resulting arm angle, means I could put my shoulder out doing it. Too risky.
Now, there is a counter-argument to this. Because they have also developed seats that go all the way back. They’re lounges. They are practically queen sized beds with room service, akin to a first class cabin on a top flight airline. Just with worse food! This is a bridge too far on a first date. If you’re pulling this out pre-first move, I think it sends the wrong message. I’m not even sure what that message could be, so far removed is it from acceptable early date moves!
I mean, if you’re gonna shag in a theatre, you don’t need a bed! Do it the old fashioned way, for god’s sake and keep it classy!
Progress. That’s who we’ve got to blame. The ever increasing need to innovate, change, renew. “It’ll be great,” they said. “Enjoy your movie in greater comfort.” Sure, but they didn’t think through the ramifications did they? For shame.
Somebody needs to change.org the crap outta this one! Lobby the cinema chains to stand up to the chair designers, so that I don’t have to stand up to throw an arm over!
Good luck!
Ben
* I’m an equal drinkist. I don’t drink this, but if you do enjoy a decaf chai latte with almond milk, you’re still A-OK in my books. No, really, Go you!
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Uhm… most girls these days won’t let you get away with that anyway. They freak out at the slightest touch. So yeah… you DO need to talk to them first. Take her for dinner after the movie. You’ll have a subject to discus too.
You could just take her hand…… Worked for me as I can only vaguely remember the low back chairs, but I was only a kid. I also learnt to book the seats right up the back in the aisle as one of my exes would actually curl up with her head on my lap when watching the movie (so long as it wasn’t sold out).
You had me hooked with your first sentence!
I’ve yet to go to see a movie at an actual theater in forever, but do know the seats are huge and rock.
(undoubtedly), I’d be nervously rocking, & making someone crazy for sure! Now I have another worry if I ever do go on a date or find someone I can stand! They’d have to meet my dog first. If that’s not a winner, there’s no point in leaving for a movie or anywhere else!
Great, fun, story! I laughed all the way through it! Thanks for that! ?
I like the high back seats at the cinema!
oh man… I hear this. I tried this on my very first (actual) movie date waay back when I was 15. I figured, hey it worked in the movies, and on TV right?
So I go for it, end up scraping my hand on the back on the chair and clunking her (not hard, thankfully) in the side of the head.
Definitely a mood killer.
Still dated her for a few months, though. Fortunately for me, she liked awkward guys, I guess.
For a moment, I thought this is going to be another “psychosis” of the dilemma we as a generation suffer from but SO refreshing to see your witty take on it 😉 same goes for your almond milk chai latte affinity – Aokay on my books! Thanks for the laughs 🙂