Marriage is a riot.
For some, it’s the ultimate goal, a necessary step in our lives’ natural progression from singlehood to couplehood to having a family of our own. For others, it’s something to flee from.
Your feelings on marriage might have something to do with how you were raised—if you’re the product of a divorce, you might have a jaded view of marital bliss. If you come from a happy home, you could look at marriage with a more favourable, and possibly even traditional, eye.
There’s no denying that successful marriages appear to be on the decline, however, no matter how favourably you may or may not view the idea of married life. People fall in and out of love faster than you can say “I do” these days, and the statistics surrounding the dissolution of modern marriages are surprisingly simple. The chosen career of your spouse is enough to turn some off, while disagreements about roles within the home are the key to disillusionment for others.
Whatever the reason, there’s some interesting movement in the world of matrimony that warrants further exploration. As a semi-old married gal myself, understanding what makes a marriage fall apart is pretty intriguing.
Let’s find out why everyone’s getting divorced, shall we?
Salty stats
What makes marriages fail? What turns a sultry relationship into a salty one?
As it happens, the statistics on marriages that fail are decidedly typical, but the numbers surrounding divorce are impressive—if you can be impressed by depressing statistics. According to my sources, the US boasts the sixth highest divorce rate in the world, with almost half of all married couples filing for divorce.
The real kicker, though? Most divorces are instigated, interestingly enough, by women, who account for twice as many divorces as their male counterparts. Surveys conducted on the topic reveal that women have greater expectations when they get married, which are frequently not met later on, and that they divorce more often because their emotional needs aren’t being addressed in the marriage.
Beyond that very real issue, divorces happen for a multitude of reasons. In my own circle, I’ve seen divorce happen because of infidelity, estrangement, and a previously undiscovered sexuality difference. Outside of those obvious reasons, it seems to me that divorces are most likely to take place simply when two people’s values no longer align.
After further research, however, there’s a lot more to the story than that.
Break it up
We’ve all heard the horror stories: cheating, financial issues, constant arguing, and bedroom troubles. The usual suspects, as it were. There are so many reasons people divorce, and most of them are unsurprising. Sad, but unsurprising nonetheless.
According to the statistics I pulled, however, there are a number of common issues leading to divorce that aren’t so “unsurprising”.
For example, one of the 13 most common reasons for divorce is age, specifically marrying too young. According to the University of Utah, there is a perfect age range for marriage: 28 to 32. After your early thirties, your risk for divorce increases, but your risk for divorce is even higher if you marry in your early twenties.
Another strange reason people split is a lack of shared interests. Have you ever heard the old adage that opposites attract? It might be true, but opposites certainly don’t stick for long. I know someone who divorced her partner because she married a gamer—a harmless hobby she assumed he would “grow out of” and presumably take on her more perceptibly “mature” hobbies.
Like many adult gamers, he’s now in his forties and happily remarried to another gamer. His ex is in therapy. We all move on somehow.
It’s perfectly fine to marry someone with different hobbies than you, but it’s important to find some commonality so that you have something to bind you when your world gets tougher. In marriage, when the going gets tough, the tough stick together.
The trick is finding the right person to stick with.
Careering
Believe it or not, what you do for a living might play more of a role in your chances of eternal marital bliss than you might have suspected.
It’s not uncommon, of course, for exotic dancers or long haul drivers—as a few obvious examples—to find themselves unlucky in love more often than, say, accountants or teachers. Jealousy and long absences are two very real reasons for people to part ways, but there are other careers that cause issues that I personally hadn’t even considered.
For instance, people who work in casinos tend to find themselves surrounded by alcohol and gambling (obviously), and for a number of reasons, likely due to the increased risks associated with the profession, they’re much more likely to divorce than those in other careers.
Although, bizarrely, textile machine operators are also on the list of professions most likely to divorce, despite there being no such risk in that kind of employment.
That isn’t to say that if you are married to a person who is employed in any of these professions, you should run out and get a lawyer. What these statistics do suggest, however, is that if you’re unhappy or unfulfilled in your employment, you might be at a higher risk for divorce.
The key to marital happiness and fulfillment seems to be finding happiness and fulfillment outside of the marriage, too, whether you find that at work or through hobbies. Happy marriages are born from happy people. Maybe you’re married to a bartender, you’re both happy, and your relationship is healthy, so an “unfavourable” career is a non-issue.
Don’t divorce someone just because of some scary statistics.
So how bad is it?
Have you ever looked up any in-depth divorce statistics for your country? Hooboy. The results speak volumes.
Some countries have extraordinarily low divorce rates compared to the United States, but trust me, it’s not because they’re better at relationships. Some sub-Saharan African countries have virtually no divorces because the bride’s family would have to return the “bride price” to the husband’s family.
You know, like a dowry. It’s a dowry. Did you know some countries still allow dowries? I sure didn’t.
I also had no idea that the United States or Canada weren’t anywhere near the top of the list for most divorces worldwide. I mean, I’ve been invited to more than one divorce party, and in my circle, 4 out of 5 marriages ended in divorce (mine is the only one still hanging in there). It just seems so common here that I assumed we were top-tier in the divorce department.
Not so! Apparently, if you really enjoy divorce, the Maldives is the place for you. Divorce there is relatively inexpensive—divorce lawyers must rely on quantity over there—and there is little to no stigma surrounding divorce in the Maldives. It also appears that women are more financially independent, so if they don’t want a husband, they have no need for one.
Unless they’re insanely in love. There’s always room for love.
Choose wisely; be sticky
When it comes down to brass tacks, marriages will fail for reasons we can’t entirely understand. Infidelity and estrangement aside, people seem to fall out of love all the time, and I’d bet top dollar that they didn’t enter into those marriages thinking they would ultimately divorce.
I think the best way to look at unhealthy marriages is to examine healthy ones instead. What do healthy marriages do differently? How do two people—two complete individuals—stay together for decades without murdering each other?
It comes down to stickiness, ultimately—finding someone who is easy to talk to and be open with, and who is easy and open with you, too. Someone you can really stick with through thick and thin.
When you choose to take that long walk down the aisle, your choice matters more than you might realize, especially when you’re bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and utterly blind to the flaws of a lifetime with your partner. When I got married over a decade ago, I had no idea what I was getting into, and together, we’ve been through the ringer.
But we did it together. We stuck together.
I’m not an expert on divorce, of course, having never been through one. But I have managed to stick with my husband through so many issues that we’ve surprised ourselves at our ability to stay in love and together through it all. People change over time—values even change—and someone who is sticky enough to stay and navigate those tricky moments alongside you is truly a treasure.
Hold on to that treasure, and make sure you’re the truest version of yourself you can be, too. Do that, and careers, temptation, or whatever life will throw your way, won’t be strong enough to break through the sticky bond you’ve built together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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