[This post is excerpted from Why Smart Teens Hurt. To learn more, please take a look!]
Picture a smart teen. She does her homework, maybe even with some enthusiasm, because she is used to doing a good job and getting praise for her work. No loneliness yet. Then, as a reward for finishing her homework expeditiously, she watches an episode of her favorite television series, an episode she’s been saving for this Tuesday afternoon. No loneliness yet. Then she surfs the Internet for a bit, following up on a wonder she had about what it would be like to live somewhere in the south of France. No loneliness yet. Then, all of a sudden, a feeling of intense loneliness comes over her. Where did that come from?
She was doing just fine, relishing her solitude, and then suddenly she wasn’t. What just happened?
Loneliness is a message from the heart. It is the heart sending the mind a plaintive complaint, “We are not okay. We need other people. We need someone to love. We need someone to love us. We are aching.” It is a tug from the heart on the whole being. A moment before, the heart was just beating. Then, out of the blue, it felt bereft, so it delivered its anguished message, a message that is received as loneliness.
This is complicated by the other themes and challenges we’ve been discussing. If, for instance, a smart teen is used to seeing through humbug and doesn’t really trust this species of ours, her heartfelt feeling of loneliness will collide with this counter feeling, that people aren’t to be trusted or worth the bother. Likewise, if she doesn’t really enjoy or respect her peers, if she sees that chitchat among adults as inane, when she thinks about all that it may strike her that solitude is preferable to what’s “out there.” At once lonely and skeptical, she may write in her journal about the pain she is feeling rather than venture out to be with someone.
Further dampening her desire to “do something” about her loneliness is her need to protect her individuality. This sounds like, “Anybody I might be with would only reduce my freedom.” Her quest to be herself and to remain herself butts heads with her desire for love, intimacy, friendship, warmth, and connection. She may not be conscious that she is protecting herself this way, but the thought is likely lurking somewhere in a corner of consciousness.
The ideal? That a smart teen relaxes her reluctance a little for the sake of the heart warmth that comes with sharing a bit of life with other human beings. And, if she is lucky enough to land on this, that she finds one other warm heart, maybe a dear friend or an intimate companion, who supports her individuality, gives her comfort and freedom in equal measure, and in no way acts as an anchor or a drag. This ideal can be described—but can it be found in real life?
Maybe not, in part because the person a smart teen will be attracted to will likely be very much like herself, with his own self-protective need to guard his individuality. Both may be wary, prickly, and fast to dissolve whatever relationship they’ve formed. The first molehill of a disagreement may remind each of them how much they value their solitude, their independence, and the sanctity of their own path.
For most human beings, loneliness is on the menu. It is likely on the menu for the smart teens reading this post. But it is not something to “treat” or to “cure” or to simply endure. Warm connections can be made, since hearts are built to mingle. It may take some time, maybe years or longer, to find the right balance between open-hearted intimacy and staunch independence. But what a discovery that will be!
For parents
It may be clear to you that your smart teen is lonely. But it will hardly work to cheerfully suggest that he go out and be with his friends or that he go out and meet someone.
All of the following may get in the way of him making that effort: his shyness and sensitivities; his fear of performing poorly; his self-indictments and feelings of unworthiness; his preference for solitude; his skepticism about the value of relating; and the challenge we’ve been discussing, his perhaps unconscious worry that other people will deflect him from his path and reduce his freedom.
That is a lot; and some cheerful suggestion on your part is unlikely to make much of an impression. More useful might be a conversation about coldness and warmth, about the perils of icy seclusion and the sunniness of shared smiles and a little hand-holding. Maybe he won’t be able to buy this vision right now, but you will have put a lovely picture in his head, one that may endure.
For teens
You may think that it is somehow practical or wise to opt for loneliness, given your misgivings about you and your misgivings about other people. It isn’t practical or wise. Loneliness is your heart aching and loneliness has nothing to recommend it. Put your misgivings aside and announce, even if in just a whisper, “I want connection.”
Be a friend. Not a dishrag of a friend, not a second banana, not someone obsequious or dependent, and not a boss or a diva, but a warm-hearted equal, someone you would want as a friend. Be an attractive friend and attract someone to laugh with, to go to museums with, to discover a new star with. This is a dance—and you may not know how to dance. But wouldn’t it be lovely to learn?
Guarding your independence, your individuality, and your right to travel your own path is a second-to-none concern. But don’t travel that path encased in a block of ice. You can safely thaw a little. Give it a try!
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[This post is excerpted from Why Smart Teens Hurt. To learn more, please take a look!]
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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