The DJ had the dance floor packed. The bass was pumping and the music had people dancing all night long.
I was mostly a people watcher, I enjoyed the dynamics of watching others hooking up. There are so many stories I could tell from my bartending years. There was never a dull moment on a Saturday night.
. . .
It always started the same way… boy meets girl, girl meets girl, or boy meets boy… they have instant chemistry and get to know each other over the blaring music.
Chemistry and physical attraction come into play.
I remember one woman, in particular, Sharon, who has two men interested in her, both traditionally attractive, both quite similar in personality and success. However, she doesn’t hesitate to go out with bachelor number two.
What made her choose him over the other guy?
. . .
Isabella came into the nightclub with her date a few times, they were both super attractive. He looked like Johnny Depp… they ordered drinks and occasionally had steamy make-out sessions at my bar; it’s always a front-row seat for a bartender, whether we want it or not!
The couple seemed happy and came in regularly.
Then one night Alex showed up. A charming stranger who had his sights set on Isabella from the get-go. He was a smooth one who started ordering expensive drinks for both Isabella and… her date. Isabella’s date was getting drunk and Alex made his move.
The following week it was Alex and Isabella having steamy make-out sessions at my bar. Johnny Depp still came by and took the loss quite well.
What was it about Alex that enabled him to so blatantly lure this beautiful woman’s attention away from JD and directly toward him?
It’s one simple word; chemistry, and a sneaky, manipulative disposition I might add!
. . .
An article in Psychology Today by psychologist and relationship coach Linda Young, Ph.D., explains a little more about lust and chemistry. She sees chemistry as simple lust for someone that is their type.
But where does this ‘type’ come from? Dr. Young further explains that our type is derived from two possibilities;
- Societal cues and expectations about what is attractive
- Childhood experiences
To further explain, it’s no surprise that media and society shape what is considered attractive these days. We subconsciously decide exactly what our type is by following these cues.
Further cues come from brief childhood moments such as noticing a nice scented perfume to an attraction to glittery jewelry, or even the comfortable familiarity of their grandfather’s beard. All these examples can set the foundation for what we find attractive in the future.
Harvard published an interesting article that discusses the three phases of romantic love;
- Lust
- Attraction
- Attachment
Lust is the first phase of a romantic attachment. It’s an evolutionary necessity for reproduction which is a stimulation of sex hormones such as testosterone and estrogen. Our brain’s hypothalamus releases these hormones which is the root of our desire, and obviously important for reproduction.
Testosterone and estrogen work together to create attraction while dopamine is released during activities with this other person. Oxytocin is released during sex, and a combination of all these chemicals keeps us sexually attracted to our special person.
Attachment is then formed after a period of time with a significant other. This is often found in long-term relationships.
. . .
Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW; in his article about healthy and unhealthy lust believes that lust occurs “when we assign a sexual quality to someone else”. He describes lust as a sexual objectification; solely viewing someone for their sexual qualities, rather than the whole person.
Lust, although evolutionarily necessary appears to be a superficial entity. A deeper relationship can form once the lust turns into an attraction for the person as a whole.
On the flip side, lust can diminish pretty quickly if you find an unattractive quality in the other person.
Lust is a tricky little thing, it gets us into all kinds of trouble, but it is also an essential step for us to form an attraction to someone else.
Without that attraction, we would have a difficult time forming romantic attachments of any kind.
. . .
Then we come across infatuation. That painfully real problem will keep us obsessed with our object of interest. Infatuation is a fantasy, where we imagine all kinds of scenarios with this other person, possibly even the first dance at our wedding!
Oh that sneaky infatuation, I’m definitely guilty of an infatuation fantasy from time to time.
Lust and infatuation can sneak up on us at both convenient or inconvenient times. It’s evolution’s little way of saying “Hey you! That sexy individual at the next table wants you!”
Allow those chemicals in your brain to do their job, let yourself desire someone, and then turn that into an attraction. You never know when that attraction will develop into an attachment-type relationship… or if you’re not looking for an attachment-type relationship, just have fun with that sexual attraction and infatuation!
And to think, it all just started with a little chemical in the brain.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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