Mainstream media says that a beautiful face or hot body is what makes someone desirable and attractive. But have you ever found yourself with a partner with beautiful physical qualities, yet just not desiring them as much as you wanted? Or not as much as you did initially? Attraction and desire in a relationship is a complex interplay of unseen dynamics that can make it at times difficult to sustain.
So if it’s not physical beauty, what is it that attracts us to someone?
When applied to feminine energy, what truly attracts a someone to another is their radiance – their joy, their love, their smile. This is the essence of what shines through everything else. When applied to the masculine, this attractive quality is presence – their solidity, their purpose, their vitality. This article is about how to cultivate the radiance in your partner, regardless as to whether your partner is a man or a woman. We all have feminine and masculine energy within us. This information applies to both hetero- and non-heteronormative relationships.
I have heard David Deida, a respected author and teacher of sexual intimacy say that it’s “the light in their eyes.” This radiance is the blooming flower of the feminine energy. It is the most colorful and enticing part. It draws our attention. It increases our desire to look, touch and smell. Just as a bee is drawn to the sexual organs of a flower by the beauty of its petals, the beauty of radiance catches the attention of and creates an irresistible desire in the partner.
Sometimes their radiance just isn’t shining bright. To fully bloom, a flower needs a unique amount of water and nutrients. To bloom, your partner also requires a unique blend of physical touch, lovemaking, dancing, words of appreciation, gifts, quality time with their partner, and a multitude of other unique ways of receiving love, appreciation, and adoration. This is the nourishment that feeds radiance at its fullest bloom, season after season. A flower blooms just long enough to pass on its pollen. But for their lover to maintain desire, the flower of radiance must be protected, cherished and nourished so that it continues to bloom at the fullness of its beauty, beyond the honeymoon.
I once heard a woman say that her life was so full that having an amazing partner would just be the icing on the cake. That felt so liberating to me, and attracted me so much more to her. In the past, I did not want my adoration to be needed to make my lover happy. I equated my partner’s deep desire for adoration from me as neediness. The desire for my lover to be “whole,” kept me from expressing my adoration in ways that would more fully honor, serve our relationship and grow my desire. The concept of wholeness is irrelevant if my intention is to support the blossom of my lover’s radiance. Now, I hold the view that I have the responsibility to understand how to nourish my partner and her radiance. This is the focus of my energy and my adoration, and supports more of what I desire in my relationship.
In reflecting on what reduced my desire for past partners, I have realized how sensitive the flower of energetic radiance can be. The blooming of flowers also requires extreme care. If the nutrient mix you give it is off just a little, or you water it too much, or not enough, the petals of the flower may become spotted or wilt, even die. Flowers can be so sensitive to just the right blend of nourishment that missing the mark even a little can do grave damage to its ability to ever fully bloom again.
The same is true of energetic radiance. Each person has a unique expression of blooming radiance. Each has their own ways of loving and receiving adoration that supports the blooming of radiance. The moments here and there when love and appreciation are felt by a partner, but not expressed, can leave the tender petals of inner beauty spotted and wilted. Or a partner may think he/she is expressing it, but it’s not done in a way they can feel. Over time, the flower of radiance may eventually die.
I desire to be deeply attracted to, and in love with my partner. I also desire to have that attraction grow with time. I have seen a few rare couples that have sustained this connection over a lifetime. Many people believe that it must inevitably fade and you should just accept that this is part of the process.
I want to offer you another viewpoint. Desire does not have to fade. Our level of desire is influenced by changes in the fullness of the bloom of our partner’s radiance. Knowing this, I vow and call you forth to vow to support your partner in being the most fully in bloom as possible. Not just because you love them and enjoy experiencing their radiant energy, but because what is created through the bloom of their being will keep your desire for burning strong. I call you forth to learn how to uniquely nourish your partner and do so with the full extent of your being.
The following suggestions are simple, but may take practice:
Giving love and praise does not have to be a production. Just notice what you are enjoying about your partner and say it. Maybe you appreciate something they did for you. Tell them what they did and how you felt when they did it. Maybe you are enjoying some part of their physical or inner beauty. Name that part. Describe it with words of appreciation as well as what you feel when you are enjoying it. The key here is to name the specific thing about them, or what they did, and express how it impacts you with the intention of giving love and appreciation.
Give yourself time to get in the habit of expressing appreciation regularly and with sincerity.
Even if you think you are doing it well, your lover may not receive your appreciation fully. They may have trouble receiving praise. They may have wounds around trust or being praised or there may be unresolved issues in your relationship that block them receiving your way of expressing love.
Trust your gut. If you sense that what you express is not received well, it likely wasn’t. Make a note of it. If they are triggered, you may want to leave it be for the moment. If this is the case, just do your best to love and accept their response without taking it personally. Then, maybe later that day, or the next day, when they are feeling open, let them know that you care about them and desire to express your love in a way they will best receive it. Gently ask them how they were impacted by what you said previously. If they say it was challenging, ask for another way they would prefer to receive your expressions of love. Again, avoid taking what they says personally. Whatever they say is really more about them than it is about you.
Do your best to understand how to give to your lover in the ways they best receive, rather than how you are accustomed.
If you want to feel more attracted to your partner, stop expecting them to do something different. Instead, I challenge you to look at the ways you have or have not been providing this nourishment. The level of the desire you feel for your partner is in your own hands. What would you give or do for them, knowing it will increase your desire of them to the full extent possible?
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