My 16-year-old son is taking biomedical sciences in high school. The other day he told me that he learned how to extract Ecstasy from a solution. He also learned the basics of DNA testing. Those two don’t have anything to do with each other. At least, not yet.
He is also in his third year of taking German. Every Christmas I sit down and make him watch Die Hard with me. My hope is that he can translate what the bad guys say. He always says that the only real word they say in German is “hurry.” I think he’s lying to me.
My son helped me write my latest book which is currently with my agent. We would spend hours plotting or developing character arcs. When I told him I needed a “philosopher who is a total jerk,” he came up with Diogenes the Cynic.
The point is, my son is smart as hell and is well on his way to becoming a supervillain. All the signs are there. Intelligence, knowledge of biomedical sciences to create terrifying creatures, an affinity for languages, and an insane philosopher to base his world view on. I should probably go ahead and buy him a monocle and start putting money away for a secret lair.
And I couldn’t be more proud of my son. Not that I want him to become a supervillain, but if he does choose that route and turns the human race into zombies, I want to be as supportive as possible. But more than that, I want him to hear me say to other people how proud I am of him.
That’s the part that is important. Overheard praise is a parenting technique that we all need to use more.
Recently, I read a book called Nurturing Boys to be Better Men written by Dr. Shelly Flais. There is a lot of good advice in the book such as modeling and getting involved with our kid’s activities and hobbies as a way to create moments of communication. But one of her best suggestions was overheard praise. It’s something that I had not realized before reading her book and sitting down to talk to her about it.
The basic idea is that our kids will replicate positive behaviors when they hear their parents bragging about them. It sounds so simple, after all, which dad hasn’t pulled out a wallet of pictures, but it’s really not. It’s parenting with intention.
The trick is that I think we need to make that overheard praise, those moments when we know they are listening to us to talk to other people, need to be specific. It’s not just that I think my son is smart. It’s that my son is doing well in biomedical sciences, speaks German, and communicates well. And even though I tell little funny stories because who doesn’t like to laugh, it’s more important that he sees me encouraging those activities he has worked so hard at.
And he has worked hard. I’ve seen him march up to his room to do homework without me telling him. Before he comes to me with a question he doesn’t know, he tries to find the answer himself. He is learning to be self-reliant. Probably because he wants to overthrow my reign one day. I imagine he will do it with sharks with freaking laser beams attached to their heads.
So much of our parenting relies on negative reinforcement. In my youth, as a Gen Xer, that often involved a belt. But we often tell kids “no” more often than “yes.” We set boundaries that they will push against. We tell them things are not possible instead of explaining what is possible.
With overheard praise suggested by Dr. Flais, we can get better results that reinforce those positive habits throughout our kids’ lives. Even if that means that the rest of you schmucks may be held hostage by a supervillain living on the moon.
Of course, maybe my son will instead choose to cure cancer, solve world hunger, or get rid of people who buy scratch-off tickets at the gas station and then proceed to not move as they get their pennies out. All those things would be much better for humanity, and I should spend more time letting him overhear praise about the good things in life.
The future of the world is truly in my hands, and we should all feel thankful that I think a lot about fatherhood.
Unless you want your children to be an evil henchman. If that’s the case, my son says that he will have a great health care policy, livable wages in the apocalypse, and reasonable work-from-home policies. If that is the case, then we should get together and plan our bunker.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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