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She is family and/or friend oriented.
Before I get heat from people who say that not everyone is close to their family and that doesn’t make them a bad person or whatever – that goes without saying. Let’s keep in mind that I speak from my own perspective and to me, a woman who values both her and my family is important when considering a long term future. Of course, no one should be penalized for coming from an abusive family. But the ability to make strong, healthy connections with others is critical.
She is kindhearted.
I’m not quite sure how to explain this one. I feel like just the word ‘kindhearted’ in itself gets the point across. A woman who is thoughtful. Loving. Caring. Who does small things for you for no other reason that she loves you (as you do for her). A woman who, when she smiles at you, gives you no choice but to smile back. A woman who radiates warmth from her heart. That is a woman a man would want to marry.
She is intellectually challenging.
There is no denying that someone’s looks are what initially draws us to them. It’s difficult to spot a great personality from across the room. Many a fling was built on physical attraction alone, but how long can it last?
When conversations lack depth or intrigue, we often fill our time with physical activity together, but it is impossible to build a real connection or lasting relationship with someone on that alone. Being intellectually challenging and having the ability to hold real discussions about meaningful topics, will always trump shallow beauty in the long run.
She is understanding and empathetic.
Being compassionate, supportive, and encouraging towards your partner is a huge part of building a successful relationship. Nobody wants a person who is a “Debbie Downer” all the time and will not support them in their endeavors or their times of need. Life is full of challenges that any couple will face together, particularly a married couple. Sometimes men need a shoulder to cry on, too.
She is ambitious.
In addition to supporting and encouraging you pursuing your own goals and dreams, she will have her own as well. A mature woman has a vision for her future and chases after it with voracity. It doesn’t have to be a career, just something your partner is passionate about.
A mature woman will be someone you can take on the world with. A teammate in your relationship—and in life.
She is consistent.
Being consistent is a valuable virtue because it lets your partner know that you really are who you are. You haven’t sent your “representative” to get to know them during the first couple of months of dating, but then suddenly transform once they’ve committed themselves to you.
To clarify the point, think of consistency as the opposite of volatility. If someone is unpredictable and volatile, it’s difficult to know how they will be acting towards you on a certain day, and that gets old no matter how aesthetically pleasing she is.
She is willing to put in effort for you.
I am all about giving in relationships. I believe seeing your significant other happy should also make you happy – but it is important to understand that it goes both ways.
Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as slipping the waiter her debit card to pay for dinner. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it – and neither should she.
If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.
Side note: Equally as important is to make sure both teammates always show the other their appreciation for this effort. Feeling taken for granted can easily lead to resentment and other negative results in a relationship.
She holds similar values as you.
This is often an extension of the family-oriented point in the beginning, because many times our value system comes from our upbringing. The things we find important (or not), the things we believe in strongly (or not), the way we treat others, and ourselves. It doesn’t matter how attracted you are to someone or even how well you get along, if your values don’t align, you will always be clashing in the long term.
She is friendly and sociable.
I know, at least for me, I enjoy being social and I love having my girlfriend by my side. So, naturally, we will find ourselves together out at events or even just bumping into people at a restaurant or bar. No man wants to be worried about the attitude his girlfriend or wife is going to give to the friend he is trying to introduce her to. He doesn’t want her to turn up her nose or be short with them – it is important that as his teammate in life, she is his teammate in all areas of life.
Of course, needless to say, he should possess the same qualities and extend the same courtesy to her friends, family, coworkers, and anyone else in her life he gets introduced to.
She has a sense of humor.
We know how important it is to women for the man in their life to have a generally good sense of humor, but I’d argue it’s equally as important in the other direction as well. Particularly if a man has a great sense of humor, it will be lost on a woman who is too dry or stiff. Furthermore, it could cause tension if he is often funny and joking, and she is always serious and becomes annoyed with his lighter personality.
It is important for a couple to be able to be playful and joke around with each other. It helps lighten the mood, makes extended periods of time together more fun, and laughing together never gets old.
She is loving and affectionate.
This is more of a bonus point. It may not need to be said, because a few of the points above just direct back to someone being loving in general, anyway. But, I think it’s important to state just the same.
For me, affection is important. Holding hands, hugs, just being physically close together. It symbolizes a connection. It’s a warm, loving feeling, and I would have a hard time building a long-term relationship with a woman who shrugs off your arm when you put it around her or always feels ‘separate’ from me.
The qualities she is looking for are the ones you have.
Needless to say, every man likely has a different ‘checklist’ for what he is looking for in the woman that he would consider potentially. But don’t forget, for a partnership to work, both people have to see value in the other person. It’s not all about your wants and desires.
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This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog
Photo by Joanna Nix on Unsplash
These points apply to both sexes. (Most women would also like these qualities in a man too.) However what men and women desire on a deeper level is very different. There’s a brilliant guide by James Bauer which demonstrates what men REALLY want. Here’s a clickable link to his guide: http://www.WhatHeWants.info
From an overall healthy relationship perspective, I agree with the author that sharing similar values is crucial.
Fantastic article!!!!!
I was really hoping for something deeper. Where is the originality, dear writer?
There is nothing here that we don’t already know. Disappointed.
Were you seeking some magic “unicorn like” answer? Men aren’t that complicated, we keep it simple and to the point.
She is as fit as I am, and makes me feel desired and appreciated. It’s an outlandish expectation, I know.
Ya you are right as a girl I too like these qualities should a man possesses with his women too
There are men who hesitate to put their arm on the shoulder of their wife on public places
Right. Email me when you find someone like this.
I’m skeptical about “family-oriented”.
I do realize that it probably lands on the list of many, even if I don’t give a hoot, but I think several of Jules’s suggestions would take precedence. “Trustworthiness” in particular.
Iben, the word I think you’re looking for is ‘homemaker’ and I think this could be a cultural difference in terms of being an important quality, but I’m interested to know what the men here think.
What about ‘appreciation’?
Rosy, you are right,
Homemaker is the correct word .
And maybe men ask, “will this relationship, and our home and her will help me recharge my batteries , and be a soft place to rest.”
Iben, that’s rather beautiful. And perhaps women could ask that too?
Yes Rosy, I think we should.
Is ‘homemaker’ an American thing? Or have I been living under a rock?
This is intersting to read…..
I had expected men look for women that are clever in create a home(I am not sure how to express this in English) , and where I live women own their own home from an earlly age. I have always thought of that as an asset,or something important
. I was wrong,or maybe it is a cultural differance here.
Economy , how you use money,plan,invest or spend .
I think we may have a slight cultural difference, Iben. While owning your own home is certainly lovely, I haven’t seen most men I’ve dated in America put it at top of their list and neither have I. I’ve dated men who rent and have a roommate. Can I ask where you are from and how women own homes very early in life?
Hi Erin I am Norwegian Here it is very very expensive to rent . Our taxation system favours thise that buy their own home. You can get rich here if you invest smartly in homes . And we kind of have no choice…. Up until few years ago you could borrow 100% the cost of a new home. But that caused problems of course. Now we can only borrow 85% . Still there are many different options and ways to own,and it is the smartest thing to here. Most parents will help their children if they can. Since economy has… Read more »
Curious, Iben
“I had expected men look for women that are clever in create a home”
With the state of the society in the Scandinavian countries, why would you expect that to be high priority for men?
Flyingkal I really don’t know,so I can only guess. In Sweden and Denmark many people rent their home and the most lovely homes are available. At least that is my impression . Here we buy. It is a tradition and the home is one of the most important status symbols here. And your address matters for those that value others based on material success and class belonging …. So one of the first question people ask her is ” where do you live”. My experience with men is that alway ask where I live. It never fails . And somehow… Read more »
Hi Iben, Interesting. I didn’t know the Norwegian housing market was all that different from ex. Sweden or Denmark. Most people as they move out from their parents, I think would get a small cheap rental flat, before they really know what they want to do with their life, where they are going to live, or who they are going to spend (most of) their life with. Yes, it’s mostly more expensive to rent in the long run, but before you are established with job, it’s practically impossible to get a bank loan for a home. Of course there are… Read more »
Hi Flyingkal
I need some time to answer,your funny comment.And I feel guilty about all the meals men have prepared for me!
It is true,men here cook for women they court. Women not so much…….
But look at this article about how difficult it is to date in Sweden.
Do you think the observations are correct?
http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20161005-this-might-be-the-loneliest-country-for-expats
Hi Iben,
You are talking to a person who doesn’t know the first thing about dating, remember…? How could I even begin to value the article?
(Although it was a surprise to see that Sweden has the highest divorce rate in EU, considering that I thought we had a pretty low marriage rate to begin with.)
I just read through that bbc article and I have to say it was a surprising read. I didn’t realise Sweden had such problems.
Flyingkal It is hard for me to believe what you say here “So me and most guys I knew then, were or became proficient in cooking (and other things) because it seemed to us that at the same time the women had been told they weren’t supposed to be able to take care of anyone, not even themselves. ” So parents raised girl so that they could not take care of themselves ? Only disturbed parents , rais children into adults that can not take care of themselves Flyingkal. But maybe you mean parents expected the girls to get married… Read more »
Part two of my answer to you Flyingkal .
Maybe I misunderstood your question ?
Maybe you ask why should a man be interested in a woman’s economic assets of cleverness in a society with good economy and well developed social security network ?
Or why would a man be interested to know if a woman is a good home maker, has a clean,tidy,well kept and beautiful decorated home.
I think I misunderstood your question.
This is a woman we are taking about right…..!!!!!!!!!!!!
You MUST add these to the list, otherwise……
Trustworthy.
Honest.
Initiates sex.
Respects her man.
A sense of gratitude.
True points.
Yeah, I’d say so, in my opinion. I’d add strength to that, but I guess that is sort of tacitly understood within some of the others. I like that under, Ambition, there was no talk of ultimate career, mad money, or anything beyond following her dreams (whatever they may be). Would also add that I’d assume that these are what many guys seek, but that we don’t (well those of us with a modicum of common sense) expect such to be mastered, our women to be perfect, or to expect without giving in kind (before you get hammered the way… Read more »
Thanks for the comment DJ. Appreciate it. I think most like to see their partner passionate about something and pursue it, which I believe is what you mean by ‘ambition”. I personally don’t consider myself ambitious but I do consider myself passionate about my goals in life.
great.info thx