Many people around the globe were raised and learned from experience that being nice to someone is the right way to go.
The thing is, that this attitude (as with almost anything in the whole world) has its limits; we can’t exaggerate its usage both to various people and in different situations in life. And the same goes oppositely, of course.
It can lead unavoidably to being valued and respected less in the relationships we create and hold with other people; be it love, friend, or work-related.
As stated, this piece is the first out of the three-part series called “Low self-esteem issues in romantic relationships”. The series will provide insights into managing your attitude in a relationship where its scales have shifted against you.
Here we will focus on differentiating niceness from true kindness and determining when and how to act kindly in loving relationships. Now, with no further ado, let’s dive into it.
Kindness and Niceness
Most of us can’t get around these 2 words and split them up. Their usage and translation point to the same thing, but in our minds, there’s a small gap between them.
You have never heard anyone telling “X acted in a spirit of true niceness”, right? It sounds kind of off, not entirely wrong, but it’s like something is amiss.
That’s because niceness is oversimplifying things. It doesn’t point to anything more precise about the human’s character; it’s rather blunt. Kindness, on the other hand, is on a whole other scale.
As a test to that, try to define niceness and then kindness with as many words as you can. Now, as you finish, look up their possible translations on any site of your choosing and see the results.
Niceness has to its utmost 5–6 possible meanings, while kindness has 15–20. We are talking about 3–4 times more possible usage of 1 word to another. Probably you had already figured it out though since you wouldn’t be able to translate niceness to more than 5 different words.
This right here, tells us the whole story of being too nice. When someone (or yourself) thinks you are too nice, it transcribes to feeling that you are acting simply in a good way. Not in any specific or kind way.
Just, good.
On the other hand, when one is telling us that we are truly kind, it can lead to all these multiple things you saw or thought about previously. Nevertheless, the one word that stands out the most in translating kindness is benevolence; and that, cannot be true when we feel or be just nice.
Saying that you care about someone you love and don’t want them getting hurt is good; it’s nice.
However, it’s a whole other thing feeling their anxiousness and nervousness, hugging them tightly and emotionally when they need it most, or making them breakfast every morning with a big bright smile on your face.
Now, tell me, which type of meaning would you rather instill into your actions and hence get called as? Benevolent or nice?
Niceness and Our Boundaries
Since we differentiated the 2 aforementioned states, we will proceed in the practical ways of regulating niceness and understanding how being too nice affects our loved ones and ourselves.
First off, boundaries are the psychological (and sometimes physical) limits we impose on others to keep our lives in line with our current values and ethos as well as be satisfied with ourselves overall.
As long as we understand ourselves we can create firmly established limits on how we like others to treat us and treat them in return, making our lives easier in the process by limiting the unsatisfying scenarios we might stumble upon.
Moreover, we will have the necessary confidence to make both our wants, needs, and dissatisfaction apparent to the other person and inform them of the possible consequences when our boundaries are overstepped.
1. Taken for granted
This is the most usual case and happens when you constantly give to your future or present partner with a minimal amount of things asked back.
This of course isn’t limited to physical possessions but it’s true for psychological aspects as well.
For instance, when you are always ready to go out for a walk, but the other person is more often than usual not, this might form on their mind the perception that no matter what they do or how many times they deny a walk, you will be there if there’s a change in their mind or when they have the time.
Having not formed boundaries as to when you can and how important it is to go out for a walk for you, the other person will possibly act with minimal effort towards you.
That’s because it’s clear for them that they don’t need to input a specific and measurable amount of effort to satisfy your wants and needs since you seem satisfied with this minimal effort they are inserting into their actions.
“The key is to keep company only with people that uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best”
– Epictetus
2. Suspicious of your nice attitude
This is relatively easier to understand as it is connected with the former, but it’s not occurring as usual as the other ones.
The simplest form of this is when you are acting nice towards another person you aren’t acquainted with and they start getting suspicious of your behavior by thinking among the lines of: “What is this person trying to get from me to act this nice to me?”.
In romantic relationships is a tiny bit more complex though. Being always nice to another person will make some people succumb to that relationship since it’s easy for them to be in that one; they take everything they need for a small cost.
Now, this may get these people suspicious of your attitude after you might ask for something and as long as they have perceived your attitude of not taking anything back as a given.
Their line of thinking might go among the lines of:
As it seems, it’s an anxiety trigger that their subconscious is sending to their conscious mind out of fear of losing the relationship they have built for themselves with a seemingly nice person.
3. Make it harder for them to be with you
This is the hardest to comprehend and simultaneously to recognize happening in your potential or current partner.
When you are consistently nice towards another person that cares about you and loves you can have an opposite effect on your relationship with them.
They might care so deeply about you that they would want you to take everything you might need which can lead to them feeling sad when you are acting nicely while they feel that it might be just a preface.
As you might suspect, it’s related to both aforementioned aspects; they might take your attitude of niceness for granted and simultaneously sincerely hope for your happiness.
When they figure out that this isn’t true for you, they will feel immense pain for them not being able to provide you with that; and that’s because they will think that it’s their fault (which in some cases that might be true).
So, not having specific limits as to what you like and dislike might hurt some people that wouldn’t dream of seeing you in pain for not getting what you want. Plus, it hurts their ego for them not to be able to provide these for you.
Note: While the last two scenarios might be possible, never make assumptions about anyone without trying to understand them first. The information provided is not a generalized model that applies to some people.
Final Thoughts
As we dove deeper into the subject of niceness and what it procures to us and the people around us, it has gotten a bit more complicated to process its effects on us and others.
However, it’s essential to understand that establishing firm boundaries is the perfect means to escape the consequences of exaggerated niceness.
We should always try to act in a spirit of kindness in our romantic relationships, as long as the other person respects and values the limits we have proposed and shown appropriately to them.
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This piece is part one of the series “Low self-esteem issues in romantic relationships”.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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